How to tell if you actually like the person you're dating
You love to obsess over whether the person you’re dating likes you, but do you ever stop to wonder if you like them? Esme Hewitt discovers the tell-tale signs that you’re the one who’s catching feelings
Photo by Yan Krukau
We’ve all experienced the anxiety of dating someone new – overthinking everything they’ve said, checking if they’ve texted you, posting on socials to see if they comment or reply, searching for any sign that indicates they like you.
While it’s only natural to second-guess if someone else fancies you, we can hyperfixate on this idea of being wanted. Not only can this start an unhealthy cycle that can result in you jumping through hoops trying to impress them, but it takes focus away from the most important question: do you even like them?
You’d think that wondering, “Do I like them?” would prompt a simple yes or no answer, but the reality is messier.
Psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Ella Boynton says: “It’s so nuanced to unpick something with so many different layers that changes with each person's experience.”
“Attraction is about instinct and acknowledging if something feels good”
Your childhood, your baggage and the endless societal pressure to be in a relationship can all cloud judgement – we don’t just fancy someone in isolation to everything else.
Do you actually like them, or do you just like the attention? Are you drawn to their personality, or are you looking for a distraction? Do you feel a connection, or do you just want to rip their clothes off?
Sometimes, it’s not even about them at all – it’s about how they make us feel: desired, less alone, valued. And with all of this spinning around in our heads, how do we separate real attraction from a need for approval or validation?
Listen to your body
A good place to start is by stripping it back to the basics by listening to your body and the signals it’s giving you.
Somatic sexologist Aisha Paris Smith puts it simply: “Attraction is about instinct and acknowledging if something feels good. If your body isn’t responding, then it can usually signal that you do not like them.”
Chloe Evans, 27, a self-proclaimed “retired serial dater”, recalls dating someone who, on paper, was perfect – sexy, thoughtful and kind.
“I felt really comfortable in his presence, so I think I was going off that,” she explains. “But within myself, I knew something was missing. I just didn’t get that giddiness or excitement that you usually get.”
Trust your gut
Photo by cottonbro studio
One of the strongest ways to gauge attraction is through impulse: that gut feeling that kicks in before your mind has time to process.
“It’s faster than our thoughts, it’s non-emotional and it comes before your brain can work out why you feel that way,” says Smith. Sexual attraction is key, she says. If you find yourself wanting to touch them, that’s a good sign. But what happens when you get carried away in physicality?
Learn the difference between instinct and instant gratification
Boynton warns that attraction isn’t always instinctive – it can also be an illusion (as if it wasn’t confusing enough already).
“There are lots of different sorts of chemicals that are going on and you get a big rush of dopamine. All these things feel good, but sometimes you can lose sight of the whole person.”
In other words, you might like the idea of them or the pleasure they give you. Dopamine is known as the “feel-good” hormone and is released any time you anticipate anything pleasurable.
A way to not get tricked by this would be to ask yourself: are you genuinely interested in getting to know this person? Or do you just want to sleep with them? Being able to differentiate between trusting your gut and making a decision that is rooted in instant gratification can be tricky, so even being aware of this is beneficial.
Time is everything when figuring out whether you like someone, stresses Boynton. “This is where it’s important to get to know people in different contexts like meeting your friends or theirs, or talking about topics that are important to you. The more people are open to, and curious of, the other person’s experience rather than judging them against a check list of attributes, the better.”
Question ‘the ick’
The gap between expectation and reality is often where “the ick” creeps in. It’s become an overused term, applied unfavorably to everything, from the way someone holds their fork to how they walk. But, at its core, the ick is a gut reaction to the mismatch between who you thought they were and who they actually are.
Boynton explains it is often a sign of avoidance: “It’s linked to a recoil – people shut off the possibilities of the whole person, and one small bit becomes about the whole person.”
Read more: How to end a situationship over text
Instead of immediately running away from someone, she encourages exploring what the feeling might actually mean. What is it about them that makes you feel so grossed out? Why are you reacting this way? Is it really a deal breaker if you saw them run for the bus, or are you making up an excuse? Knowing whether you like someone starts with knowing yourself and your triggers.
Know the signs
With all this in mind, it might feel overwhelming to question whether you genuinely like someone or if you just want someone. If you’re still unsure, here’s a list of signs that could show you have an honest-to-goodness crush on your hands:
A burning desire to bring their name up at any given opportunity
The idea of doing a mundane activity (like going to the post office) with them sounds… fun?!
You value their opinion
The smell of their skin makes you feral
You actually read their book recommendation
You care about whether they had a good night's sleep
Their feet don’t make you feel sick
You get giddy when you have plans to see them
You check your phone to see if they’ve texted you (but not in an obsessive way, you just want to speak to them, promise)
You want to meet their friends
You don’t mind splitting the bill because you’re there for their company, not for the free food
You get the urge to say “I love you” during missionary
They make you feel secure
You feel that you can communicate with them and not be shot down
You remember details about their life (list all their cousins names, I dare you)
Their needs are important to you
Time flies when you’re together and you don’t want dates to end
You want to snog their face off
You find yourself wanting to buy them small random gifts of things they’ve spoken about
Watching them go through their camera roll is pleasantly interesting
You see things out and about that remind you of them
You feel a teeny-tiny bit jealous at the mention of an ex
Commitment suddenly isn’t such a scary concept