I don’t understand ‘relationship people’

You know the type: constantly talking about their (last/current/next) relationship; impossible to get hold of; always jumping from partner to partner. But why are they the way they are? Charlie Elizabeth Culverhouse explores the misunderstood figure of the serial monogamist

Photo by Italo Crespi on Pexels

As any chronically single person will tell you, there’s nothing more frustrating than loved-up friends asking you, ‘Why haven’t you settled down yet? You’re such a great person, I don’t get it!’ 

They don’t spend their evenings scrolling through dating apps, wondering what you ever did for Hinge to suggest them as your most compatible – yet they feel entitled to comment on your singledom and dish out unsolicited advice as you nod along, your jaw tightening and tension headache growing. 

Throughout my single years, I’ve watched friends jump from relationship to relationship, never taking so much as a month to get over a breakup before delving into the next passionate fling. They’re relationship people, serial monogamists, and could never understand the draw I feel to single life. But what makes us so different from one another? 

How to spot a serial monogamist 

“Serial monogamy refers to the pattern of being in consecutive, committed relationships without significant breaks in between,” Joseph Cavins, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the clinical director at Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center tells me. 

Spotting a serial monogamist is easy when you know the signs. Aside from bolting from one relationship to the next, they probably struggle to spend time alone, and prioritise romantic connections over other aspects of life, like friendships. 

What’s particularly annoying about serial monogamists to chronically single people – like me – is how easily they seem to find eligible people to partner with.

As Sofie Roos, a relationship therapist and sexual-health expert at Swedish sex toy company Passionerad points out, “The main sign of a serial monogamist is that you can’t stay single and naturally always find a new partner to spend time with. You don’t find it difficult to quickly start sharing your life and to invest into the relationship with this new person, but you can also leave that behind quickly if needed.”

Roos adds that serial monogamists often don’t like the dating process and instead get serious quickly, leaving a “rich” relationship history behind them. Roos doesn't mention that they tend to have a complete lack of understanding about why anyone would want to be single, and end up belittling their friends’ choices as a result. But in my experience, dear reader, I can tell you this is usually the case.

As a single person, I can't deny that I have my own prejudices. I can dig deep and admit I often look down on my relationship-loving friends, feeling a smug satisfaction at my superior ability to be alone and the benefits my lifestyle has over theirs, mostly as I’m rewatching any and all Rupert Campbell-Black scenes in Disney+’s Rivals – which I’m know my friends want to do but can’t with partners hovering over them.

“Society tends to glorify relationships as a measure of success, making it more difficult for singles and those with partners to understand and appreciate the choices of the other”

The serial monogamist/single person divide 

The divide between single people and relationship people was prevalent even before Rivals was released. And, as with nearly everything, we can blame the split on one enemy: the patriarchy.

Traditional concepts of what relationships ‘should’ be are embedded in our brains, with the nuclear-family ideal still pushed as life’s ultimate goal. And this contributes to the wants of the relationship person. 

Cavins says: “Society tends to glorify relationships as a measure of success, making it more difficult for each group to understand and appreciate the choices of the other. So often, those focused on relationships may assume singles are lonely or simply waiting for ‘the right person’. But, conversely, singles might view those in relationships as overly dependent or too preoccupied with their partnerships.”

The gap has become more apparent as the number of single people grows. Interest in marriage and relationships is massively waning. Official data recently revealed that nearly 30 million of the 68.3 million people in England and Wales are unmarried, while different survey research shows that the majority of single people are not interested in having a romantic relationship, or even going on a date. But even though singledom is becoming increasingly widespread, my friends in relationships can’t seem to understand it. And, I’ll be honest, I don’t understand them. 

Why are some people drawn to serial monogamy and others aren’t?

Photo by KoolShooters on Pexels

Cavins walks me through the mindset of relationship people. He says that, for some, relationships are the place where security, purpose, or validation can be found. The relationship provides emotional stability, companionship, and a clear understanding of life’s direction. 

Relationship people, therefore, want their friends to feel as stable and fulfilled as they do, and their experience has told them that partnering up is the way to achieve that.So, they pull out the sad-eyes emoji when you tell them about yet another bad date, and try to set you up with their girlfriend’s brother’s friend who’s “actually really nice, I promise”. 

There are only so many blind dates you can go on, so how do you stop the constant relationship talk pouring out your loved-up friends’ mouths? Cavins says: “Just remind them that you love your independence and are good with your choices. Try shifting conversations from their love life to things you both enjoy. If it starts feeling too one-sided, it's totally fine to hang out less and focus on friendships that feel more balanced.”

Is serial monogamy healthy?

During that time apart, the relationship person may want to turn their attention away from their single friends and do some introspection instead because, Roos declares, “Serial monogamy is generally a red flag.” 

She explains that the quick jumping from serious relationship to serious relationship, which she’s keen to point out doesn’t make serial monogamists more likely to cheat, can create a toxic environment for relationship people and their partners. 

Serial monogamists might, in some cases, still be hung up on their ex when they begin seeing the next person, she says, and might use their new partner’s love and emotional and physical closeness for their own sake and wellbeing. 

Delving into the psychological reasons behind serial monogamy, Cavins explains: “On a deeper level, relationship people might associate love and connection with feelings of self-worth,” and adds that being single, for some, is akin to being abandoned, alone, and leaves them feeling worthless. 

More often than not, this need to be loved comes from, Roos says, something traumatic happening in a person’s childhood, like living in a dysfunctional family home that’s left them looking for love and adoration elsewhere. 

Unsurprisingly, this can lead to some pretty unhealthy behaviour. “Relationships can be wonderful, but leaning on them too much might point to deeper issues, like low self-esteem, fear of being abandoned, or codependency,” Cavins explains. “You might find yourself putting your partner’s needs before your own, having trouble setting boundaries, or looking for validation through the relationship instead of from yourself. Over time, this cycle can lead to unhealthy dynamics, burnout, or patterns of unhappiness that repeat with each partner.”

When serial monogamy gets toxic

“Relationships can be wonderful, but leaning on them too much might point to deeper issues, like low self-esteem, fear of being abandoned, or codependency”

Breaking the cycle, whether you decide you as the serial monogamist need to, or your friends cajole you into it, begins with spending time alone. Only then, Cavins says, can you uncover what’s driving your need for constant partnership. Learning to fulfill those things outside of another person will then give you a stronger sense of self and you’ll ultimately have better, more stable relationships going forward. 

And relationship people can learn how to do this from single people and the one major thing that Cavins says sticks out about those who are happy to be on their own. “I believe happiness in singleness often comes from being secure in one’s self-worth, valuing independence, and appreciating the time to nurture friendships, hobbies, or passions,” he says. “It’s not that single people don’t value relationships, they prioritise their fulfilment first and don’t view a partnership as the key to their happiness.”

I begrudgingly admit the single person can learn from the relationship person, too. They often have a natural ease when talking to people and the confidence to go for what they want. They don’t hold back but let themselves be taken away by passion and throw themselves 100% into new experiences. It’s admirable. 

If you can’t do it all the time, perhaps trying the opponent’s approach every third Friday of the month is a good enough compromise?