Non-monogamy might be for you

Want the security of a relationship but the freedom of being single? Why not try non-monogamy, Honey-Blue Stevens asks

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Whether you’re fantasising about a hard fuck, a threesome, the girl next door, or your boyfriend’s best friend you’re secretly crushing on – we all daydream about other people, whether we’re single or taken. 

We’re taught sharing is caring, right? So why not apply that same logic to our adult relationships, and share your partner? 

Non-monogamy can take a number of forms. Open relationships or swinging often maintain an emotionally exclusive but sexually fluid approach, while on the other hand polyamory, arguably the best-known form of non-monogamy, is a relationship style that allows you to form multiple romantic connections simultaneously. Perhaps you're an anarchist and blur the lines between platonic and romantic relations. Whatever flavour you chose, the world is getting geared up for non-monogamy. 

Dating apps such as Feeld pride themselves on catering to those who are curious about experiencing people and relationships in new ways – whether you’re new to partner swapping, into kinks, or looking for a three-way. 

A rise in polyamory

According to a YouGov survey, 5% of 18–24-year-olds are currently in polyamorous relationships. While the rise in non-monogamous relationships has been slow, data shows it has been increasing among Gen Z since 2019. 

Leanne Yau, a 26-year-old polyamory educator and expert at LGBTQ+ Dating App Taimi, has been practicing polyamory since she was 17.

Yau explains the rise in polyamorous relationships could be due to Gen Z trying to create their own definition of relationships. “The younger generations are more open to designing their own relationships and are learning about sexuality and gender identity at an earlier age, which gives them more freedom to normalise it, be curious and explore for themselves,” Yau says. “It’s a positive thing.”

According to Feeld: “Around a quarter of our global active members list polyamory or ethical non-monogamy as a desire, with Gen Z being the fastest-growing member base on our platform.”

The dating app Hinge reports that 15% of Gen Z users who identify as LGBTQ+ are either specifically interested in or are actively exploring non-monogamy. In 2022, one in five users said they would consider an open relationship. “Hinge is the place for all daters to find intentional and meaningful romantic connections, and I want [the app] to enter a new era of dating where the word ‘relationship’ defies traditional and heteronormative meaning,” said Michelle Parsons, the former chief product officer.

The world we live in could also be set up better for people in multiple relationships, Yau adds. “People don’t have to follow the same script in the same way that previous generations did.”

Does non-monogamy lead to deeper self discovery? 

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Jacob, 27, from London, has been in a non-monogamous relationship with his partner Reed since the start of their relationship in 2023. He shares ‘“I came out as bi at the start of the year, and non-monogamy is the enabler that allows me to explore that side of me without feeling like I’ve got to choose between my current partner, who identifies as female, and the bi side of me that I’m desperate to explore.” 

“There’s so much more freedom in non-monogamy, from simply saying to your partner that you fancy someone, to coming back from a fun date and sharing stories,” Jacob continues. “We all have the animalistic urges embedded deep within us, which my partner and I are very aware of, and encourage each other to explore. It’s fun, it’s exciting and we thrive off the joy that brings one another.”

Yau states: “I’ve had some wonderful memories together with my polycule* being able to share the love and delight for one another. Non-monogamy has accelerated my self-discovery journey – I’m finding out about interests and desires I have that I feel would have taken me longer to get to if I was in a monogamous relationship. It makes me a more well-rounded person, because of all these facets of myself I’m able to explore with different people.”

“I love being in a relationship, but I just can’t see myself having sex with the same person for the rest of my life. I think ethical non-monogamy can be an outlet for people with high sex drives”

The writer adds: “non-monogamy leads to a life full of love and freedom. Exploring different interests and connections with a variety of people I care for only deepens my understanding of what I desire and the kind of person I want to be, all while maintaining security in my partnerships. Love and connection is not limited, and life is exciting when you’re able to share different versions of yourself with more than one person.”

In monogamous relationships, desires can be hidden out of fear of rejection or risking the relationship, but non-monogamy allows space for this exploration. According to those who live non-monogamously, being able to talk with partners about other people you’re interested in allows you both to lead an authentic life that fully aligns with your views. Having variety allows for a constant flare of thrill and flirtation. 

Is commitment limited to one person?

Devon-based Connor, 27, has identified as poly since 2021. When asked about his ability to commit to another person, he explains: “Commitment is not bound to mono-normative relationships. We can commit to our friends right, which there are multiple of, all offering an individual value. Polyamory distinguishes itself from monogamy by providing the framework to commit to multiple romantic partners. I've found this lifestyle to relieve the social pressures to settle for ‘the one’.” 

Navigating jealousy in non-monogamy 

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So, if non-monogamy has so many perks, what might stop someone from pursuing a non-monogamous relationship? Jealousy is a prohibiting factor for many.

“Jealousy can manifest in both positive, healthy ways and negative, unhealthy ways,” Jacob says. “For us, we want each other to experience genuine happiness and personal growth. If an integral part of that involves romantic or sexual encounters with others, we fully embrace it. In fact, it can even ignite excitement between us.”

Jealousy is a natural human emotion. By having open conversations with our partners, we can figure out where this feeling is stemming from. Maybe a need isn’t being met or you’re worried your partner will replace you. Together, solutions can be found for how to manage jealousy, in conjunction with extra reassurance from them. 

Sex in non-monogamous relationships

“I love being in a relationship, but I just can’t see myself having sex with the same person for the rest of my life,” Connor states. “I think ethical non-monogamy can be an outlet for people with high sex drives, or are sex focused. Just don’t forget the ethical part, communication is key!”

Yau adds: “Self-restraint and repression are prized as virtues within religious environments and therefore people who indulge and explore what life has to offer are seen as greedy and lacking self-control when in reality, you don’t get a prize for holding yourself back from doing things you want to do.” 

Whether you’re into swinging, open relationships or polyamory – non-monogamy can offer the freedom, diversity and permission to be curious towards all that life has to offer.

*Polycule: In polyamory, a polycule is a group of individuals involved in romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships that interconnect all the members in the group.