How to deal with sexual anxiety
Sex is supposed to be fun – so they say – but it’s not always that easy. Amelia Reynolds speaks to sex therapists to find out how to feel more comfortable in the bedroom
We’ve all been there – felt the butterflies in our stomach before sex. Whether it’s the first time or just with someone new, sexual anxiety is incredibly common.
Although it can feel isolating, these anxious feelings are far from unusual. In fact, a study in the Sexual Medicine Reviews journal found 25% of men and 16% of women experience sexual anxiety, making it one of the most common issues impacting our sex lives.
What is sexual anxiety and why does it happen?
Similar to general anxiety, many factors can contribute to feeling nervous in the bedroom. Some are universally relatable, while others may be more specific to each individual.
“Sex is incredibly vulnerable. We reveal ourselves both physically and emotionally, and vulnerability, by its nature, is uncomfortable,” says Magda Kay, intimacy expert, author, and founder of The School of Intimacy.
Heightened self-consciousness often stems from our preoccupation with how we present ourselves on social media, Kay suggests. We’ve grown accustomed to protecting ourselves, leaving less space for vulnerability.
“Sex is incredibly vulnerable. We reveal ourselves both physically and emotionally”
“We live in a time that is highly focused on the external –what we project, especially on social media,” she explains.
The combination of social media and social attitudes can fuels around sex, relationship therapist and sex expert Sophie Roos believes.
“Sex is stigmatized and full of myths –fueled by social media, but also by religion, family, and pop culture,” she tells Sextras.“If you add the fear of sexual abuse or the possibility of someone spreading lies or private details about your intimate life, it’s not hard to see why many people, especially young people, feel anxious about sex.”
Sexual anxiety can become even more pronounced when you're planning to have sex with a new partner for the first time. According to sex and couples therapist Nicolle Dirksen, this is one of the leading causes of sexual anxiety.
Concerns about a partner’s experience level or unfamiliar preferences can also trigger nervousness, Dirksen says. “Anxiety might arise for someone who is sexually active with a partner who has significantly more or less experience than they do, or if the partner is interested in something sexually that they’ve never tried before.”
As with any other area of life, body image and confidence can play a huge role in managing pre-sex nerves, Dirksen adds.
How does sexual anxiety impact your sex life?
When we’re not feeling completely comfortable, it’s inevitable that our sex lives will be affected. Apprehension often breeds anxiety, which can dampen passion and intimacy.
Many people seek an "illusion of control", Kay notes, to counter their anxiety, sometimes turning to substances for confidence.
“Many people don’t engage in sexual experiences while fully sober. This could mean taking drugs, drinking alcohol, or doing something that elevates their mood to take them out of their body.”
Dissociation, or mentally distancing oneself from the situation, is a common defense mechanism for those experiencing anxiety. This escape prevents us from being fully present in the moment, impacting our nervous system and, ultimately, the experience of pleasure.
“We’re not fully present in our bodies or the sensations, instead staying in our heads,” Kay explains. “Essentially, the body is experiencing something, but the brain isn’t registering it due to the disconnection.”
Our bodies can also manifest anxiety through physical symptoms that hinder sexual enjoyment or performance. “For men, this can lead to performance issues like difficulty getting or maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation,” Kay continues. “For women, they may struggle to orgasm.”
Sex-related anxiety can feel alienating but, according to Roos, feeling unable to express your worries is a huge red flag. “If you’re anxious with someone, then talk about it, and if you feel you can’t, then your relationship isn’t good enough.”
Overcoming anxiety in the bedroom
Anxiety is difficult – it can creep up out of nowhere, often for no apparent reason. It can keep you from living your life the way you want, and things that once came naturally can suddenly feel a lot more difficult.
However, there are things you can do to start enjoying sex again. Similarly to how you would deal with a regular anxiety attack, breathwork and mindfulness can be crucial to mitigating symptoms of stress.
Kay says: “The way we deal with anxiety in any area of life is by calming the nervous system, relaxing the body, slowing down, relaxing the muscles, and taking deep breaths. So, if you jump right into penetration too quickly, you’ll naturally stay in a state of anxiety.”
Feeling comfortable enough to express your needs to your partner is key to easing anxiety during sex. Roos suggests to “skip one-night stands and go for people that you already know before engaging in sex”.
However, if you feel ready to engage with someone new, Dirksen says that open communication, no matter how daunting, is crucial for a positive sexual experience.
“It can feel really vulnerable or even terrifying to tell your partner (especially a new partner) outright that you're anxious about sex, but chances are your partner will understand and find it relatable; we've all experienced anxiety about sex at one point or another.”
Experimenting with new kinks can be fun, but it’s important you only try new things when you’re in the right mindset.
“Anxiety might come up for someone who is sexually active with a partner who has much more or much less experience than they do or who is into something sexually they have never tried before,” according to Dirksen.
Everyone is going to feel anxious sometimes; it’s a part of life. Nicole reminds us that, if your anxiety becomes too much to handle on your own, it may be time to seek some extra help.
Your mental health matters, and only you can truly know your needs.