Editors on… our dating ins and outs
What’s in and out in the world of relationships, singlehood and casual dating for October? Here, the editorial team at Sextras weighs in
Deputy Relationship Editor Dani Clarke’s solo painting date
IN
Solo dates
Dani: No, this is not a euphemism for masturbation. Regardless of your relationship status, taking yourself out for the day – or ‘wining and dining’ yourself – is simply good for the soul. Truthfully, I used to think the idea was cringe, but I’ve been taking myself out for planned dates over the last few months and I’ve noticed it’s been wonderful for my mental health. I’m a busy girl (aren’t we all?), which makes it all the more special to block out a few hours just for me. Some of my favourite excursions have been: spending a rainy afternoon at the National Portrait Gallery, buying myself coffee and cake at the Barbican, going on a long walk around my neighbourhood, and having a watercolour-painting night in. Yes, I am pretentious, but I’m okay with that and would like to date me anyway!
Solo activities are also a delightful way to meet people, or to have amusing interactions with strangers that make for ideal group-chat material. An example – which I’ll never forget – was when I was sitting on a bench in Angel, reading my book, and an old man in a three-piece suit came to sit next to me, eating smoked salmon straight from the packet. When I half-glanced at him, he cheerily told me: “I love smoked salmon on a Friday – I always do!” God bless you, Smoked Salmon Man, and I hope, if it’s Friday where you are, that you are celebrating in the appropriate fashion.
Holiday romances
Kiran: It’s a cliché, I know, but I can’t help but love chatting shit to men abroad. Unlike in the UK, I find that they’re usually a lot more receptive to my yapping – and hotter. I’ve discovered that I’m most successful in France; during my two visits in the past year, I accumulated three French boyfriends (AKA, men I’ve kissed). It always feels more romantic, maybe because you know you’ll probably never see each other again and are, instead, doomed to occasionally like each other's Instagram stories until you finally decide to unfollow one another. Either way, it’s hot.
Being open about your dating preferences
‘Dolce far Niente’ by Auguste Toulmouche, WikiArt
Lucy: Honestly, I’ve found that being upfront about what I want in the dating world is a total game-changer.
When I started seeing someone over the summer, we both laid our cards out on the table right away. It turned out we were both looking for something casual, but we also wanted to enjoy each other’s company and go on fun dates and (shocker) treat each other with respect. No more wondering if they were feeling the same way or if I should dial back my enthusiasm.
This level of honesty helped me save time by not obsessing what they actually thought about me. It created a safe space for both people to express what they want without fear of judgement. So, if you’ve got a type or specific intentions, don’t hold back! If you’re looking for something serious, it’s better to know before you catch feelings that the person in front of you is not ready for that – and vice versa.
Being clear about your dating goals can lead to better matches and more fulfilling interactions. Trust me, it’s worth it.
Polite rejection
Dani: Let’s say you’ve been on a date with someone and you would, quite literally, rather die than go on another. There is no conceivable alternate reality in which you might enjoy seeing this person again for even 10 minutes. The temptation is there – but before you ghost, stop and think: could I dedicate one minute of my life to letting them know? Your time is precious, but so is theirs, and no one wants to be stuck in post-date purgatory. The decent thing to do, when someone has gone to the trouble of meeting up with you, is to text them to say you never want that to happen again!
Just to be clear, this is not a catch-all rule. If you’re concerned for your personal safety, you are not obliged to text back. And I think there are instances where it is permissible, even advisable, to tell someone firmly to go away (use more colourful language at your discretion). But if the date was just a bit dull, I’m going to run the risk of sounding quite corporate here and tell you to drop them a line. Ping them. I’ll even create a template for you: “Hi [their name], it was lovely to meet you. I don’t think we’re a romantic match, but thank you so much for the date. Good luck with everything.”
It’s direct, it's courteous, there’s not an exclamation mark in sight. And I just saved you one extra minute to use however you like. Don’t spend it all at once.
Cosy creative dates
Editor-in-Chief Honey Wyatt icing some Taylor Swift-approved autumnal chai cookies
Amelia: I’ve been giving myself time to nurture my creative side lately. I love making things – painting, baking, creating music. What could possibly be better? Well, doing it with someone you love (or, at the very least, like). I need my solitary enrichment time as much as anyone, but I’ve really been enjoying cosy, crafty dates with my partner.
We’ll sit together, make a tasty dinner, put on an audiobook or podcast, and get to it (No… not like that). You can do whatever you enjoy – it doesn’t have to be the next Mona Lisa or a symphony; it doesn’t even have to be good! We’ve been having fun building Lego sets, painting, playing guitar together, and moulding clay figures. The options are endless, and it’s the perfect way to spend a chilly autumn evening.
OUT
Blindsiding
Honey: A plague, I fear, has descended upon the 20-something population. No, it’s not super gonorrhoea, nor is it the penchant to ask the TikTok void for your ‘blindness’ (although I’d gladly welcome this, being buried deep in the social-media grave).
In fact, it’s a pandemic of miserable, mediocre men blindsiding and dumping their perfect and stunning girlfriends! Before you decry that I’m biassed (as this has clearly happened to multiple of my beloved and dearest friends), speak not. This is a trend far wider reaching than my modest social circle.
Why? Maybe it’s that their years of not communicating a single thought that passes through their heads has suddenly caught up with them, or the burden of their overbearing inadequacy suddenly became too much – I don’t know.
But maybe it’s time to learn how to express your feelings before reaching the conclusion that the only solution is to break up? (So boring, so cliché.)
A plague on you; a plague on all your houses!
Giving strangers your socials (grow up)
‘The Love Letter’ by Auguste Toulmouche, WikiArt
Dani: There’s nothing more boring than asking a romantic prospect for their Instagram – let alone their Snapchat. Why are you removing all the intrigue by providing someone you just met with 30 photos of you and your friends on holiday in Mallorca? It’s far better, I think, to allow someone to get to know you, rather than immediately being known. Meeting a stranger you connect with in adult life is an exciting event (and an increasingly rare one in the chronically online age), so don’t act like you couldn’t care less.
A friend of mine once saw someone she thought was attractive at a bar, sitting on a table surrounded by his group of friends, and so she wrote down her number on a slip of paper and asked the waiter to hand it to him. Talk about sophisticated! Well, everyone sitting at his table thought so, too; several of them came over to talk to her, and bought her drinks for the rest of the night. Yes, this requires a certain level of confidence, but putting yourself out there is an inherently bold move and we should treat it as such – rather than dejectedly muttering to someone about their Snap code.
Playing it cool
Brat night at the Lexington
Lucy: You know what’s exhausting? Trying to act like you’re not into someone when you actually are.
I used to think that playing it cool would make me seem more mysterious or desirable. But honestly, being the Cool Girl just led to a lot of confusion and feeling frustrated. And the thing is, I’d rather know if someone is really into me. Or not excuse someone not following through with plans because I don't want to seem too intense.
If you like someone, just act like it! If you’re attracted to them, go and talk to them, make things happen - the worst result is they reject you, and then you just move on to the next.
You don’t have to declare your undying love after one date, but expressing interest can lead to a more genuine connection. Plus, it often opens up the conversation and makes things more fun. So, ditch the poker face and show a little enthusiasm – it’s way more appealing to be genuine than to pretend you’re totally chill.
“Soooo… where are you from? No, where are you really from?”
‘The Reluctant Bride’ by Auguste Toulmouche, WikiArt
Kiran: Any POC person in the dating world knows exactly what I’m talking about. You meet someone out; you glance at each other; you both find each other attractive; a conversation ensues. The first 30 seconds in, you’ve laughed at something they said, and it wasn’t forced. It’s all going well, and you’re just about to imagine the rest of your life with them, and then they drop the question…
“So, where are you from?”
“Leeds,” I say.
“No, where are you really from?”
*sigh*
I completely understand wanting to know about someone's background and ethnicity, but asking it within the first minute of meeting someone just feels a little intrusive. Especially when they respond with, “No way, you don’t look Indian,” as if that’s meant to be a compliment. Or, my favourite one – “You look exotic”. It’s the really that gets me, as though I wasn’t born and raised here.
Far be it from me to discourage men from asking questions, but maybe find out which area of London I live in, or what I do for work, instead.
Ambiguity
Amelia: I’ve been off the market for almost a year now and have enjoyed (thankfully) a wonderful level of openness and communication with my partner throughout our relationship. However, from my prior experience in the dating pool, nothing gave me the ick more than ambiguity.
There seems to be a trend of people wanting to have their cake and eat it too – seeking the illusion of a relationship, enjoying all the cosy stuff that comes with it, but without committing to labels or boundaries. It can be mildly confusing at best and, at worst, potentially upsetting for everyone involved.
Avoiding messy situations is easy when you’re upfront about what you want. Whether it’s someone to keep you warm every now and then as the nights grow longer or something more serious, just be honest!
Tell us your dating ins and outs in the comments below!
