Is ‘Do we know each other?’ the best way to approach someone on Tinder?
According to her Tinder data, Nicole Benedettini says this method led to her longest conversation - so, she asked the experts for advice
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My friend closed the door of her house’s kitchen, in a secretive way. Her parents and a friend of theirs were in the other room, and what we were about to do was CIA-level Top Secret.
“Let’s create your Tinder profile,” she announced.
As a Gen Z outside and boomer inside (yes, 70s music is way better than today’s music, don’t fight me on this), I still wasn’t sure a dating app was the right thing for me.
She began listing her selling points as if she were a car saleswoman: “You can chat with a lot of guys, date them, and you know a colleague of mine found her long-time boyfriend through Tinder? It can happen. For real.”
Nicole, 25. After half an hour, my Tinder profile was out there in the world.
Now, I realise I had been late to the trend: according to research published by Statista, in Europe, online dating service users were around 77 million in 2023, and they are expected to reach almost 90 million by 2028.
While you can find many apps in your Play Store that promise to find your Prince Charming (or an amazing one-night stand, depending on your wishes), Tinder is one of the most known and used ones.
Italian consumers associate Tinder with online dating, and the UK audience clearly agrees, since here Tinder is the top-reaching dating service, used by 2.49m adults.
So, when I went home that night, I explored this new dating world, moving my right index finger left and right on the phone like it was a new dance I was learning.
Left, right, left, left, left. Then, a face I recognised appeared, and the finger dance suddenly halted, like I didn’t know how to move my fingers anymore.
“I waited for two days, and I shot my shot. I typed my beginner’s approach: ‘Hello, do we know each other? You have a familiar face’”
Let’s take a step backward to nine years ago. When I was 16, I had this horrible tendency to have crushes on all vaguely nice guys around me. If you were 18, several points were automatically added to my invisible Nice Guys Scoreboard (at the time, 18-year-olds were real adults; now, they are kids to me).
I remember pleading with my 18-year-old friend to match me (old-style person-to-person, not Tinder) with his guy friends.
This guy whose face appeared on my old phone’s screen was a pal of my old friend I met at some birthday party when we were teens.
I wasn't sure which side to swipe on, because I thought an awkward situation would arise if we matched. But I wasn't on that dating platform to let my finger freeze, right? And an awkward situation is still better than no situation. Come on, swipe right.
Match. It's a match. I was excited (it was one of my first matches), but I wanted to wait for him to begin the conversation, and my wise friend confirmed this approach was the best one.
I waited for two days, and then my fingers wanted to dance (again!) and I shot my shot. I typed my beginner’s approach: “Hello, do we know each other? You have a familiar face.”
How a simple Tinder opener led to my longest conversation
A few short exchanges revealed that he didn’t remember me. Still, he seemed curious. I was walking back to my car after a yoga lesson in the park (ah, summertime activities) when he wrote: “Where do you think we’ve met?”
I mentioned the name of our common friend as if it magically appeared in my 8 pm brain while doing Warrior Two, and he asked me how I remembered something that happened so many years ago. I wanted to reply something like “I remember nice guy’s faces”. But I didn’t, because I still had an ounce of dignity.
My answer was I had a good memory (fake, absolutely fake) apart from high school maths. Surprisingly, the conversation progressed thanks to my beginner's approach, and my Tinder data proves its effectiveness. My chats with matches usually lasted around 20 hours; this chat went on for a week.
I asked experts why this conversation opener was effective.
What experts say about the 'Do We Know Each Other?' approach on Tinder
“There's a sense of safety that comes from knowing someone in person that can be hard to access on dating apps. Tying your conversation to a real-life connection can help cut through some of the anonymity of the app and help you feel engaged and comfortable in the conversation faster,” says sex and relationship therapist Rachel Zar.
Another important aspect, says Zar, is that “some people want to keep their anonymity on these apps, so being honest instead of withholding will also help them know whether or not they want to pursue the conversation or steer clear”.
“Humans love what we already know,” adds Sofie Roos, a sexologist and relationship therapist from Passionerad, a Swedish sex-positive online magazine, so this approach can bring a “more enthusiastic and positive attitude”.
Asking if you already know each other can make you stand out against the endless pool of options, Roos explains. ”Your face and name will go around their head for some seconds; this gives you higher chances to get reminded by the other person and to become more special than the other ones they’ve matched with on Tinder.”
Considering this approach made me so special, I wondered if there was a way I could use it again in the future.
How to use familiarity to start conversations anywhere
Asking someone about where you met can be applied to lots of different situations, Roos suggests: “Just go for ‘Didn’t we meet at this person's party last summer?’ or ‘I think we attended the same barbecue in August’ and then you can start talking about memories from that event and how you ended up there.” This way, Zar says, shared experiences and interests can emerge and the conversation can flow naturally.
Even if you’ve not met before, whoever said a little creative license is such a bad thing? Creating a scenario where you could’ve met a dating app match could be a fun way to get them thinking about you, too. I can’t say I remember the specifics of my encounter with this guy many years ago (and nor could he) but it was a technique that clearly worked!
Maybe my good memory of nice guys compared to my forgetfulness about derivatives and integrals was the strongest point of this story.
At this point, you may think the story had a wonderful ending, but it didn’t. Long story short, the guy ghosted me, citing that he was too busy to hang out together and he was on Tinder only to have fun.
Still, it was valuable to practice my chatting skills with someone I had a semi-crush on when I was 16. And going forward, I can proudly add that to my dating resume. So, win-win?