How to flirt in a long-term relationship
In a committed partnership, many can lose the spark after a while - Dani Clarke explores what to do
In a scene at the beginning of the newly released thriller Babygirl, Nicole Kidman’s character Romy masturbates privately, after faking an orgasm during sex with her husband.
The film, in which (spoiler alert) Romy goes on to cheat on the aforementioned husband with her much-younger intern, is not exactly a meditation on marital bliss, nor an exploration of the erotic potential of long-term partnership.
The stereotype of the spouses who hate each other, and who have long ago lost interest in one another’s bodies, abounds across both fiction and real-life accounts.
The online support group r/DeadBedrooms, in which Reddit users share stories about their sexless relationships and ask for advice, has more than 490k members. And it’s not just older people who face these struggles, with a quarter of married millennials “reporting problems with sexual desire in the past year”.
Challenges with flirting in a long-term relationship
As depressing as this sounds, it’s far from the prerequisite experience; plenty of couples continue to flirt, enjoy each other’s company, and maintain an active, stimulating sex life.
Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationships expert at Lovehoney, believes this difference has little to do with personality types or attachment styles: “It’s more about making the effort to prioritise romance,” she says.
“Couples who flirt see it as a way to stay connected and playful. It’s about keeping curiosity alive and finding joy in the everyday moments, no matter how long you’ve been together.”
In recent months, new conversations about desire and satisfaction have sprung up in the media, particularly surrounding the sexual experiences of middle-aged women – a group who have historically been ignored when it comes to these talking points.
As well as the much-hyped film Babygirl, Miranda July’s 2024 novel All Fours, the plot of which hinges on a perimenopausal woman’s sexual awakening, was an instant bestseller, and one of the most-discussed books of last year.
Read more: Is flirting cheating?
It seems, collectively, we are beginning to acknowledge that women have diverse, complex and controversial feelings about sex over forty, and that many of them continue to want it, voraciously, even when their long-term partners do not or cannot provide it.
In her novel, July writes about “the funny little abandoned feeling one gets a million times a day in a domestic setting”.
“Excitement can fade, but that doesn’t mean your love life is doomed”
It’s not a coincidence that July’s book resonated with so many people in relationships, not just 45-year-old women. Despite the fact plenty of people feel ashamed that the excitement and passion in their relationship has started to dwindle, Knight asserts this is “absolutely normal”.
“As relationships settle into routine, the initial excitement can naturally fade, but that doesn’t mean your love life is doomed,” she says. “Think of it as a transition from fireworks to a steady glow, and with a little effort, you can still fan the flames.”
Long-term relationship flirting ideas that actually work
So, how does one go about keeping this spark alive, and fanning the metaphorical flames? Knight suggests it could be time to think back to the way you kept things interesting with your partner in the early days of your love.
While it can be easy to fall into a comfortable, sensible rhythm, injecting a bit of extra effort could mean “sending cheeky texts, giving unexpected compliments, or planning a surprise date”.
1) Find creative ways to reintroduce playfulness and teasing
Ultimately, Knight says, it’s the small gestures that count, “whether it’s cooking a spicy dinner together, dancing around the living-room, or sneaking a playful touch during the daily chaos”.
According to Esther Perel (a psychotherapist, and the unofficial patron saint of relationship advice), couples who lose interest often do so because they feel they know the other person too well.
Reviving attraction, then, can be about acknowledging that one’s partner is a separate entity to oneself, which you do not fully understand.
“Faced with the irrefutable otherness of our partner, we can respond with fear or curiosity,” Perel writes in her book Mating in Captivity. “Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.”
2) Plan surprise dates and gestures to rekindle romance
To introduce some of this mutual curiosity and fascination back into your relationship, go somewhere with your partner you don’t normally go, and watch how they interact with other people. Spend a day or more apart, without constantly messaging, and then meet up for a dinner date to talk about everything you did when you were separate.
Try initiating sex at an unusual place or time; if you’re perennially an evening-sex-in-bed couple, experiment by making love in the kitchen on a Saturday morning. It might sound like something only young, honeymoon-stage couples do – which is precisely why you should give it a go.
3) Schedule in dates to overcome monotony and fear of rejection
However exciting the prospect sounds, overturning the status quo and engaging in new practices can also intensify the feelings of anxiety, Perel mentions. And while leaning into the unexpected and surprising your partner is sexy, feeling as though you suddenly have to do a lot of spontaneous flirting can be daunting for some couples.
The answer, Knight suggests, could be a little organised fun. “Scheduling time for just the two of you, even if it’s 15 minutes of undivided attention, can work wonders,” she says.
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As well as forward planning, and booking a time slot into your busy schedules, you can alleviate some of the pressure by approaching flirting and sex with a more light-hearted attitude. “Focus on laughter and connection rather than perfection,” Knight says.
Whacking your head on a ceiling beam during some kink experimentation might feel embarrassing, or mood-killing, in the moment, but the novelty of it can create an inside joke between the two of you and deepen your connection.
“If you’re trying something new and it feels awkward, embrace the silliness! Let go of the idea that every romantic gesture has to be grand or flawless – the point is to enjoy each other’s company.”
Couples who successfully keep the spark alive get used to failure
One of the most common complaints on r/DeadBedrooms is that the Redditors’ partners don’t even try; they don’t flirt, initiate foreplay, or bring new ideas to the table when things get stale.
While sex-related anxiety is normal, it can help to avoid thinking too much about the end result – such as whether more flirting will result in more sex, or if you and your partner will reach orgasm – as this can detract from your enjoyment and willingness to put yourself out there.
As an exercise, you could purposefully do things that you think are likely to fail, like giving your partner a massage or writing them a love poem, if you think you’re not very good at those things.
Much like rejection therapy, getting used to the idea of failing can make you more comfortable within yourself, and within your relationship. You never know, you might discover a new talent, or turn-on, in the process.
Flirting, however, is not the be all and end all of maintaining a healthy partnership, nor a healthy sex life, and Knight asserts it is not essential for keeping the spark alight.
The values and traits you should aspire to most? “Connection, trust, and mutual respect,” she says.