The Good, The Bad, The Flirty: Is flirting cheating?
Over two-thirds of our audience seems to think that flirting in a relationship counts as cheating. But, relationships editor Lucy Sarret asks, is it really that serious?
In a committed, monogamous relationship, the boundaries around what constitutes betrayal can be blurry.
According to Emma, 28, who is recently married, “Cheating is a grey area. If you’ve had the discussion and you’re both okay with it, then it’s not. If you do it behind your partner’s back, then I would say it’s cheating.”
Emma and her husband are somewhat extroverted personalities; they’ve both admitted to friends and each other that they enjoy speaking with and receiving attention from strangers. Knowing that the flirting is always innocent and they come back to each other at the end of each day, they don’t consider flirting to be cheating as long as it remains just that.
For Matt, 22, “Flirting isn’t cheating per se, but to me it’s just as bad and could end a relationship.” Having been in a relationship for almost a year, Matt admits that it would deeply upset him if his current partner engaged in “flirting for fun”, and make him rethink the strength of their bond.
There are also different levels to how ‘bad’ the flirting may be, depending how it’s done. According to a Sextras follower: “Texting is almost the worst because it’s so thought through, whereas in-person flirting could just be just a spur of [the moment] thing.”
Another follower nuanced it this way: “Basically, it just depends what the flirting is, it’s not online vs IRL that makes it worse/better. But there are different levels: sending a nude is worse than flirting with a stranger in real life.”
Angelika Koch, the relationship and break-up expert for Taimi, an LGBTQ+ dating app, explains it this way: “Cheating on a committed partner will depend on the bounds of your relationship. What one person feels is cheating, the other person may not. This is why it’s so important to talk to your partner about what each of you defines as cheating.”
“The idea that if we are truly in love with someone or in a truly healthy relationship, we would not desire others, is patently untrue.”
Boundaries are what you make them. But is there something fundamentally wrong with wanting to seek attention from someone other than your committed partner?
Kaylee Freidman, a sexologist at sex-toy-review website BedBible, says: “This is a very monogamous-centric assumption – the idea that if we are truly in love with someone or in a truly healthy relationship, we would not desire others. This is patently untrue. For most people, monogamy is simply an agreement about behaviour, so the idea that desiring someone else automatically means that there isn't a deep connection in a relationship is a faulty way of thinking.”
Engaging in flirtatious behaviour doesn’t always mean there are issues in the relationship. Friedman clarifies that flirting can encompass a variety of motives, such as seeking validation, establishing connections through sexuality, enjoying one's desirability, combating boredom, or seeking a sense of empowerment. Understanding the true intent behind it requires an individual's exploration of their internal motivations and feelings.
But if you find yourself flirting to get something you’re not feeling from your partner, maybe take a step back and assess why you need the validation from someone you’re not committed to.
Dr Koch says: “If flirtation is due to unmet needs, then it is important to figure out together what needs are unmet, and actions needed to be able to fulfil those. Active work should be put in from both people, to allow the relationship to strengthen.”
If you’re perfectly happy in your relationship but still enjoy some light flirting now and again, maybe you’re just a naturally flirty person – and as long as your partner is comfortable with the boundaries you set, then flirt away.
Listen to: To Date or Not to Date in your 20s
The only thing you should think about is whether it crosses a boundary and has the potential to damage your relationship (if you tell them – which both experts say you probably should, TBH).
What should you do if you find this difficult to deal with? Well, like most emotional issues, open communication and, in an ideal scenario, therapy will pretty much always do the trick.
Dr Koch says: “A relationship takes work to thrive, and it’s important that each person makes an active effort to fulfil their partner’s emotional needs. If your partner is still seeking outside attention, even though they recognise their needs are met, then it could point to an emotional wound that needs healing. Working with a therapist can help pinpoint where this wound is, and ways to help heal it.
“I highly recommend monthly check-ins, where you see if there is anything your partner needs or would like you to do differently in the relationship. This can help to keep an active line of communication and brings attention to any areas which need strengthening.”
Friedman also touches on what the roots to attention-seeking behaviour could be: being with the same person for a long time can feel boring. So, bring the spark back.
“Date each other. Surprise and delight your partner. Try new things, both in everyday life and sexually. Go on adventures. Make sure you spend adequate time apart with friends and invest in yourself as an individual… give yourselves a chance to miss each other!”, she says.
“This tension between safety and novelty is what makes relationships interesting, so commit to becoming aware of and discussing the balance between the two. That will give you a better chance of staying connected and satisfied long term.”