Everything you need to know about initiating sex
Whether you’re a ‘jump someone’s bones’ or ‘sit back and wait for the magic to happen’ kinda person, initiating sex can feel vulnerable and awkward. Lucy Sarret advises different ways to get down to it.
Credit: Alexander Grey, Unsplash
As a straight woman, I’ve long been the type to just wait for men to make the first move. As long as I had a pulse and a willing body (and even that’s been up for debate), men usually have no problem initiating intimacy, whether it’s a first kiss, a tentative cuddle while watching Netflix, or getting down to business.
But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown bolder and stepped out of my comfort zone. I think this confidence comes from experience, and self-confidence that you may simply not have when you start your sexual journey (I sure did’nt). Simply put, you just get to a point where you know what you’re doing.
However, the lingering tension when something might happen never completely goes away - and neither does the self doubt. Should I go for it? If I just grab him, is he going to think it’s too much? Do they want this to happen right now as well?
It’s a line of questioning that Suzannah Weiss, sexologist at BedBible, answers by drawing inspiration from the 90-10 rule immortalised in Hitch. “Will Smith’s character in the movie suggests moving in 90% for a kiss, then waiting for your partner to move in the other 10%. This way, you can be sure they’re interested. This is a great way to initiate a first kiss and can apply to pretty much any act — move toward your partner and see if they move in toward you as well. If they move away or hold still, check in and ask how they’re feeling.”
By making most of the first move, you can also ensure non-verbal consent if they respond positively to your advances. Personally, I’ve always found talking about sex with the person you want to have sex with beforehand has always been a surefire way to not only establish what you may like and dislike, but also to work your way towards doing the deed.
An honest conversation about what turns you on, how you like to be touched, especially in a date situation that must be going well if your mind is on ending the night together, can ramp up the sexual tension and simply make initiating that much easier. If they tell you how they like to be asked into intimacy, then you don’t have to wonder how you should approach it.
There are many people who think asking to kiss or touch you is a turn off; they’d rather you just do it. While I can understand the appeal of non-verbal initiation, I definitely don’t think asking for consent should be seen as un-sexy. In fact, it shows that you’re respectful of their boundaries and want to make sure you get an enthusiastic ‘yes’ before making love like a bunch of animals.
“Move in 90% for a kiss, then wait for your partner to move in the other 10% to be sure they’re interested”
It’s not about asking, it’s about how - and when - you ask.
As Weiss explains, “While you are kissing, you can ask, ‘where would you like my hands to go?’ or ‘does it feel good when I touch you there?’ or ‘could you touch me like this?’ (and demonstrate on their body what you’d like them to do to you). You can also ask questions when you are cuddling like ‘what do you like in the bedroom?’ or ‘what is your biggest sexual fantasy?’ or ‘what are your biggest turn-ons?’.
“You might have a make-out session with some discussion of how you each like to be touched, then you might on another occasion engage in oral or manual sex and have a longer discussion about your sexual preferences afterwards. The next time you see each other, you might broach the topic of intercourse, either by simply saying something like ‘I kinda of want to fuck you… how do you feel about that?’ or ‘are you ready to have sex?’”
After the daunting first time with this person, if you’ve followed my advice this far - asked questions and communicated your desires - you should be all set to have great sex with someone that turns you on.
When you find yourself in a longer-term relationship, initiating might be less scary because you’ve established you like the other enough that you’re only having sex with them, but it can also get less exciting.
While it can be comforting to get each other off before bedtime and your favourite TV show, the spark that once made getting to know each other’s bodies so fun can dim - but it doesn’t have to.
“In a relationship, you can initiate sex gradually or directly by saying something like ‘I want you’”
If you feel like you or your partner don’t really initiate sex in fun ways anymore, bring it up. Chances are, they’ll be happy you did. Discuss what’s not working for you, and how you can fix it. Because let’s face it: we’re young and hot, now is not the time to be bored in our sex lives.
Weiss suggests multiple options. “In a relationship, you can also initiate sex gradually — by, say, stroking your partner’s arm to test the waters, then kissing them, then touching them more and seeing how they respond — or directly by saying something like ‘I want you’ or ‘I’m free Friday night and want to plan a sexy evening together’.”
Plan a fun night in, introduce new things you’ve wanted to try - in a pinch, I’ve always found that opening the door in a sexy new outfit or something you know they like is a great way to initiate some spontaneous fun.
If you feel like you’re always the one initiating sex in your relationship, Weiss recommends broaching the topic in a positive way.
She says: “I recommend saying something non-accusatory like ‘I’d love it if you could initiate sex more often; it really turns me on and I enjoy feeling wanted.’ Even if your partner has more of a responsive desire pattern — that is, they get turned on in response to you initiating more than they do spontaneously on their own — they can still make an effort to initiate physical touch once in a while and see if it ends up leading to sex. If initiating sex doesn’t feel natural to them, they might still initiate a cuddle or kiss, for example.”
If going the full mile to initiate sex is out of your comfort zone, just remember that practice makes perfect. You can’t get to a point of feeling confident in your advances unless you’ve tried it out enough times to know what you and your partner like.
Remember to make sure they’re as into it as you and have fun - after all, that’s what it’s supposed to be!