The non-heteronormative man: A ray of hope for exhausted women everywhere?

Nico Green explores how nail polish, kissing boys, and a heightened fashion sense became huge green flags for women dating men

Credit: cottonbro studios via Pexels

Trigger warning: reference to sexual assault

In 2024, most of the first dates I went on had one thing in common: I was the first guy they had dated in a long time.

I heard similar versions of the same story over and over again. Bisexual woman dates a man (cis-het man, to be specific), said man hurts her, repeat, repeat, repeat – until eventually, she gives up on having relationships with men altogether. She tries dating women for a while but ultimately realises (with great disappointment) that she is mostly attracted to men.

After the third time hearing the same story on a first date, I was starting to wonder why I was attracting women this had happened to specifically. Why was I the first man people dated, after they had given up dating men? Was there something I was doing, saying, or wearing, that silently signalled to women that I might not be like “other guys”?

I consider texting every disillusioned woman I went on a date with in 2024 to get their input. What a delicious, chaotic intrusive thought. I decided against it, obviously. But sifting through my memories, I remembered a story that gave me a clue.

I was at a sex club flirting with a woman I had just met. After just a short conversation she asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to the play room. I saw her across the room earlier that night and thought to myself “Wow, imagine if…”, and now the if was happening, so I said yes right away. 

Her proposition struck me as unusually bold. I wasn’t used to women trusting me enough to sleep with me after just 30 minutes of conversation. A week later, when we met up for a proper date, she revealed to me that she was sexually assaulted by a man just months before, but when she saw my nail polish she felt like she could trust me. That’s a lot of trust to put in some painted nails.

So maybe that’s the answer.

Do women — especially women left disillusioned from so many bad experiences with men— prefer to date non-heteronormative men?

READ MORE: How to tell if you actually like the person you're dating

To get to the bottom of this burning question of mine, I enlisted the help of three of my lady friends: Tina, Ana, and Lara. On the surface they’re all quite different, but there is a common thread among them. They’re all successful, have strong personalities, and are extremely selective about the men they date. They’re very badass, and yes — very pretty.

First, I asked Tina. She’s a 30-year-old chef known for winning 1st place on a cooking show. She’s also a 1st place friend.

“I don’t like heteronormative male behavior. It’s outdated, and they should learn to have fun,” she tells me. “If a man is bisexual it kind of signals that he’s abandoned what society has tried to teach him about about what it means to be a man, and that’s something I’m looking for in a guy.”

She admits that nail polish and bisexuality are not cure-alls for toxic masculinity, but they’re a good start – mostly because these traits promise safety.

“if more men suck each other off, maybe we can end the male loneliness epidemic”

“I don’t know if it would do something for me, seeing a guy kissing a guy,” she adds. “It’s not really a sexual thing for me, it’s more about them not being so heterosexual.”

Next, I ask my friend Ana. Ana is a sex and relationships educator who helps people understand the options that exist for them outside of societal norms. Last year she was interviewed by a local news station for an educational special on polyamory. So naturally, when Ana goes on a date with a man, there are a long list of things she looks for based on her research. I asked her if she has a preference for dating bisexual men.

“Yes. I have a preference for not dating heterosexual men, that’s for sure,” she admits. “I really like the fashion. Obviously not all non-hetero men are into fashion, but generally, they will try harder to not just wear jeans and a t-shirt, you know?“

Then there’s also the allure of many of the non-hetero men she meets seeming to have “done the work” of unpacking toxic masculinity – which in her experience means they’re less rigid about gender roles in general. This makes her feel more comfortable being her true, non-normative self. Knowing Ana personally, I can’t think of a single normal thing about her. We once set a coffee date three months in advance and she texted me the day before as if we had spoken about it last week. Ana isn’t normal – she’s strange and awesome.

Finally, I speak to my good friend Lara. Lara owns an event company. She’s a boss, in every sense of the word, who is best described as equal parts intense and loving. I ask Lara if heteronormativity is a factor at play when she’s dating a man. 

This was her reply: “I prefer to date men who have sucked a dick before. Or at least, they’re open to trying.Especially if they are heterosexual.”

The part about them being heterosexual piqued my interest. I asked her to elaborate.

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“If a man deconstructed his sexuality to the point where he would even consider sucking a dick – especially if he considers himself heterosexual – most likely he’s not homophobic or a misogynist,” she tells me.

“It’s not really about the sexual aspect, but about the vulnerability required for a man, especially a heterosexual man, to do something like that. When I hear that a straight guy has sucked a dick before, I’m like ‘wow, that’s dirty, tell me more!’ whereas for a bisexual or gay man, it’s not necessarily kinky, it’s just a part of your sexuality.

“Also if more men suck each other off, maybe we can end the male loneliness epidemic.”

I think she was joking about the last part, but I’m tempted to imagine it anyway. What a strange utopia. Straight men so comfortable in their sexuality they can casually pleasure their friends. Maybe even suck each other off. Blowjobs with the boys. Maybe that’s the solution to all this. Probably not. But please, don’t wake me up.

It’s hard to know for sure why the women I dated in 2024 saw me as a safe space when they had had so many bad experiences with men before me. But if they feel the same as Tina, Ana, or Lara, the mystery is all but solved. 

I’m bisexual, but I stopped dating guys for many years because my first experience with a man was so bad. Still, it’s not like I go around telling this to women as soon as I meet them. So what is it about me, or other guys like me, that signals safety? It goes deeper than nail polish, that much is for certain. 

It seems like everyone I talked to had a different green flag that signalled to them “this guy is not like the others – he has done the inner work”, whether it’s having different ideas of sexuality, gender, or simply how to treat women. 

Bell hooks once said: "As long as men dominate women, we cannot have love between us…Love cannot exist in any relationship that is based on domination and coercion.”  In a world where Men and Women are simply not treated equal, patriarchal masculinity has always been a barrier to true love. So maybe leaving that behind isn’t just a green flag, but a requirement for truly loving a woman at all.