First time at a sex party? Follow these expert tips
Honey Wyatt consults an expert about how to navigate a sex party for the first time, from understanding your own boundaries to finding the best sex party for you
For those who have never been to one, sex parties, orgies, and kink events can feel like the stuff of legends, movies, and – should they fumble it – absolute nightmares.
If you’re anything like the team at Sextras (none of which has been to a sex party, shockingly… we’ll await your invites), you’ll picture turning up to your first sex party in entirely the wrong attire, finding yourself gawking mouth wide open at the scenes around you, and stumbling over your words – or worse, slipping on lube.
But fear not! There are plenty of beginner-friendly sex parties out there that tailor to your unique preferences – and, of course, we’ve consulted Angie Rowntree, founder and director of porn site Sssh.com to find out everything you need to know about attending your first erotic evening to prevent any of the awkward faux pas.
How to know if a sex party is for you
If you’re reading this article (hey), you’re likely more than halfway convinced that a sex party could be for you. But whether it’s simply a piqued interest or a fully-fledged bullet on your to-do list, it’s important to check in with yourself to determine if attending a sex party is something you should go ahead with at this point in time.
Anyone going to a sex party “should feel confident and emotionally secure in yourself, and you should find the inherent risks acceptable”, Rowntree says. Ask yourself whether you are in the headspace to honour your own boundaries, as well as others’.
“If anything about a sex party makes you balk or hesitate, then take a step back and just enjoy your fantasy as a fantasy for now”
“If you’re coming to it in the spirit of fun and adventure with a willingness to be sociable and vulnerable with others, while respecting their boundaries and discretion, then that’s a good place to be in,” Rowntree notes. This involves being fluent in consent, knowing how to approach someone respectfully – as well as how to back away. Keep reading for more on that in a sec!
Meanwhile, not knowing your own boundaries or experiencing self-esteem issues could be red flags that a sex party environment is not for you. “There’s the decadent ‘fantasy‘ of the sex party – and then the reality of being naked and vulnerable with a group of strangers and having to navigate lots of emotions,” Rowntree reflects.
“If anything about that reality makes you balk or hesitate, then take a step back and just enjoy your fantasy as a fantasy for now. Remember: it’s totally normal to have sexual fantasies that you do not want to act out in real life.”
READ MORE: The Last Time I went to a sex party
How to find the right sex party for you
Now that you’ve decided, for suresies, that you want to go to a sex party, you need to find the right one for you.
You might be thinking: where on earth does one find a legit sex party? And that’s totally valid. Unfortunately for us beginners, sex parties aren’t advertised à la Bogey Lowenstein’s party in 10 Things I Hate About You (think flyers being thrown out on the staircase), so you’ll have to do a bit of digging to find the party best suited to your desires, kinks, and preferences.
And lucky for you, we’ve already done some research.
Organisers to follow for beginner-friendly sex parties in the UK:
Riot
First on the list of things to find out when selecting a sex party is whether it’s beginner-friendly, Rowntree suggests. If it’s not immediately obvious from the event details, try to contact the organisers of the party to ensure the sex party is suitable for beginners – because (spoiler!) some aren’t – and that it will suit all your wants and needs.
“Some sex parties are couples-only with no ‘singles’ admitted; some are BDSM/kink oriented, all-girl, or otherwise themed,” Rowntree explains. “This is why it is so important to read all the information the organisers provide and ask questions – never assume!”
READ MORE: EYNTK about sensation play
How to stay safe at a sex party
Getting in touch with the organisers can also help calm any concerns you have around safety, Rowntree adds, so don’t be afraid of looking like a beginner by asking lots of questions! “If you want a positive experience, it’s very important to do your own vetting so you can feel confident in your decision to attend,” she says.
“A well-run party will vet guests (including you!) thoroughly and respond to all questions with full and thorough transparency, which will allow you to make an informed choice about your attendance. If the organisers are not forthcoming or act dismissive, then pass and hold out for another party.”
Not only should organisers be on hand for any queries before the event itself, but it’s a green flag if they are clearly available throughout the night itself, Rowntree notes. “Good hosts are accessible to anyone throughout the party who has questions or concerns; a sex party should not be a free-for-all where consent and safety are overlooked.”
Finally, organisers are responsible for vetting the STI status of its guests, so “you shouldn’t blush at all if you are asked about recent STI tests”, Rowntree adds. “It’s worth noting, however, that private sex parties do not necessarily abide by the stringent regulations that the adult film industry does when it comes to STI testing and ID verification.” This is where you become responsible for getting tested yourself, asking your partners about their sexual health, and managing your emotions around the risks of going to a sex party.
READ MORE: Gen Z is having less sex, so why are they getting more STIs?
Sex party etiquette: how to approach someone with respect
Of course, wanting to (safely) experience pleasure at a sex party shouldn’t come at the extent of others – so it’s important to mindfully approach any and all interactions you have, whether you’re a beginner or an aficionado.
“You should approach someone at a sex party in the same way as you would in any other social setting – that is, with manners,” Rowntree advises. “Of course: flirt, laugh, and have fun – but realise that just because it is a sex party does not mean everyone is up for grabs. Never touch anyone’s body or toys without permission.”
If you’re not sure whether someone is open to interacting with you, the best way to approach it is to ask. We’ve said it a million times but… three words, 18 letters: communication is key, people!
“A sex party is a place where you and the other attendees should feel empowered to be very candid and up front with each other,” Rowntree says. “If something isn’t your thing, you should have no qualms about saying ‘no thanks’ and moving along – and they should respect that.
“Conversely if something is exciting to you, a sex party is precisely the place where you can assertively say ‘Hey I’d like to ____, what do you think about that?’”
Know when it’s time to go
And remember: just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should. It might be easy to get swept up in the excitement of a sex party, but being at an event doesn’t mean you have to try every fantasy under the sun.
Check in with yourself throughout the night to make sure you feel safe. “If someone crosses a boundary with you or something else happened that made you feel uncomfortable, then speak to the party organisers,” Rowntree urges. “If you get shady vibes or dodgy answers to your questions, trust your gut and pass.”
But if you’ve looked around and chatted, still not gone through with any sexual contact, and that's as far as you want to take it for your first time – that’s also fine. Get an Uber, go home, journal about it, and plan your next one.
Sex party FAQS
Is it normal to feel nervous before a sex party?
Yes, many first-timers feel nervous. The key is to prioritise your comfort, boundaries, and safety. But, as Rowntree says, if you have major doubts about going to a party, it might be best to steer clear for the time being.
What should I wear to a sex party?
Check the dress code! Some parties have themes, while others expect lingerie or fetishwear.
Can I go to a sex party alone?
Yes, but make sure the event allows singles and is beginner-friendly. Ask the organisers lots of questions to make sure you’ll feel comfortable, and remember: you can always leave if you don’t!
What if I change my mind at the party?
That’s totally fine. Listen to your gut, and keep in mind that you can leave at any time. Consent is continuous and can be withdrawn whenever you feel you need to leave.