With dicks getting softer, conversations are getting harder
While around half of men experience erectile dysfunction in some form, you never hear about it. Erique Estrela reveals what it’s like to sleep with men who deal with it
A little blue pill made my day. I didn’t have high hopes when I invited Adam, 56, over to mine for a simple oral session.
Since I had turned 18, I’d been hooking up with senior men across the UK – yet I was still to find a man who used medication for erectile dysfunction, at least that I was aware of.
Considering around 50 to 55% of men between the ages of 40 and 70 in the UK experience erectile dysfunction – that is, not being able to get or maintain an erection during sex – this might come as a surprise. But it’s rare for men to talk about the impact erectile dysfunction (ED) has on their lives, with less than half seeking treatment.
And if you can’t talk about your own faltering penis, how are you supposed to talk about your partner’s satisfaction? It felt like I’d slept with half of the men in the ‘ED percentage’, and I was getting pretty tired of hookups where dicks went limp.
Because none of the men I’d slept with had talked about the fact they couldn’t maintain an erection, I was beginning to struggle with the idea that maybe my hawk tuah techniques just weren’t up to par.
Erectile dysfunction impacts partners, too
So when I spoke to sexologist Chloe Scotney, I was relieved to hear this is a common reaction for sexual partners of those with ED. “I like to encourage clients to acknowledge that causation is not always in alignment with how we perceive or experience things,” they say.
Although Scotney assures me that a partner's unreliable erections shouldn't be taken personally, it's hard not to doubt your performance when you're caught holding the soft end of the stick. Still, if I’m not the issue, why aren’t these men doing something to fix it?
But that all changes when I meet Adam. We’re lying next to each other when he says: “It’ll take 10 minutes or so to kick in.”
“What will?” I reply.
“I took something to help,” he says.
“Like Viagra?” I ask.
“Yeah, it’s only a low dose – that’s why it takes longer,” he tells me confidently.
Midway through, I realise something’s different – that usual pit-in-the-stomach feeling isn’t there, the one that makes me question if I’m doing something wrong. And it’s just me with Adam’s firm cock in my mouth – enjoying it like a Michelin-star meal, wondering what I’d been missing out on…
A few days after my encounter with Adam, I hooked up with Richard, 67, a friend with pensionable benefits, who is also a UFO conspiracist.
“Rich, have you ever thought of taking Viagra, just so you don’t have to work so hard?” I ask.
Raising his eyebrows, he says: “No, it causes cancer...”
“Really, where did you hear that?”
Was this another of Richard's far-fetched theories (for the record, ED drugs do not cause cancer, according to current research), I wondered, or just an excuse not to talk about the issue?
Why talking about ED feels so hard
As Scotney points out, communication around ED treatment can often lead to deflection. “They might feel very vulnerable and opt for deflection around the problem,” they say.
With Richard’s supposed deflection, I started to think about the other guys who brushed me off when I finally mustered the courage to ask. Some would say, “I don’t need it,” while others acted like they hadn’t even heard me.
“We should normalise ED medication in the same way we do condoms and lubricant; they’re there if necessary in the moment”
I’m reminded of Danny, 59, who had trouble keeping it stiff. When I asked him if he’d ever consider treatment, he told me he couldn’t because of his high blood pressure. Bear in mind, this was the same man who wanked off twelve times a day, some of them in his workplace toilet.
I thought to myself: “You’re bullshitting me – otherwise you’d be dead with all the times your blood spikes after a wank.” But then I realised I had his dick in my hand in the back of his Audi, maybe not the best time to broach the conversation, let alone confront him.
Softly does it: how to talk about ED
As Scotney highlights, timing is key when talking about ED: “Be mindful of your timing – bringing this up in bed or after an already stressful day may feel too emotionally loaded.”
One thing I noticed, after all of this thinking, is that these men never asked me why I’d asked. Why did I care so much about your penis, and why didn’t you care that I cared? The truth is, meeting Adam was the first time I wasn’t frustrated during a hookup — his cock was hard, he was open about his ED, and I was fully present.
While I’d like to think of Adam as a role model for men still battling the stigma attached to ED, Scotney stresses the importance of normalising open communication around medication for erectile dysfunction: “We should normalise this in the same way we do condoms and lubricant; they’re there if necessary in the moment.’’
Treatment, myths, and realities: what really helps
And though medication is a great solution for those looking for a quick fix, it’s not the only option – nor is it suitable for everyone. According to Scotney: “Loss of erections can be a sign of certain health conditions that need to be screened for by a doctor.” Alternative avenues for treatment include lifestyle changes, psychosexual therapy, or even vacuum pumps (yes, the penis equivalent of a Henry Hoover).
What's totally valid, though, is the hesitation towards treatment. After all, it carries the shame-inducing idea that it crushes manhood. But ED is rarely just about you; it’s about the intimacy you share with someone else.
Taking that first step might be hard (no pun intended), but what really matters is the willingness to try to communicate with your partner about your or their struggles with unreliable erections. ED isn’t just a medical hiccup; it’s a condition hidden in silence.
Now 20 years old, I accept that I’m bound to meet more flaccid dicks than firm ones – but even in those “really, again?” moments, it’s never crossed my mind to swap the older man for the younger one. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi they possess, whether it’s their years of experience, their undivided attention, or the realisation that sex isn’t about them, and whatever it is, it works for me.
If you or your partner are avoiding the very conversation that might be key to unlocking your satisfaction, as I once was, remember this isn’t just about sex, it’s about supporting and showing up for each other.
Because honestly, what’s the point of settling for limp endings when you could be building a relationship – and a sex life – that’s solid from start to finish?