The true art of domination: Why submissive trust is everything in BDSM
Have we misunderstood the role of the sexual submissive? Jacob Hudson answers
It’s been over 10 years since Fifty Shades of Grey came out, but the misconceptions it spewed about sexual domination and submission linger in the minds of many.
For a lot of people, the idea of dominating someone in the bedroom means owning them, controlling them, having complete power to do anything you want, with the submissive being helpless.
This pop culture hit has poisoned the idea of S&M for people who don’t know any better, with a poor portrayal of both doms and subs. The cultural impact is felt even years later.
Listen: Am I in a toxic relationship?
Christian Grey, the supposed dominator, stalks Anastasia, breaks into her home, accosts her friends, and constantly crosses boundaries, trying to dominate her whole life, not just the sex between them.
He does this, supposedly, because he’s traumatised by things that happened to him in the past. Anastasia Steele is an inexperienced, uninformed individual who is presented as a sub just because she’s shy and insecure – who sacrifices all of her autonomy to Christian and never does anything about him crossing her boundaries.
What domination in BDSM really means
This isn’t a BDSM relationship, it’s an abusive stalker and his victim. This is to say nothing about the misleading focus on inflicting pain. While that is sometimes a part of BDSM, a dom-sub relationship can be purely psychological as well.
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Fifty Shades couldn’t have gotten it more wrong. In a dom-sub relationship, it’s the submissive who should have all the power, and I’m not talking about being a power-bottom. Even if a submissive partner meekly accepts their bedroom role, they should have all the power in that situation.
At the very least, they should be able to assume that their dominant partner actually respects them as a human being, and isn’t manipulating them into doing what they want. Consent under manipulation isn’t consent, it’s just coercion.
Understanding the power of the submissive in BDSM relationships
Sound confusing? How can you be dominant in the bedroom if the submissive has all the power? Well, here’s a fine line between domination and sexual assault, and that line is drawn at consent.
Every dominant act you do to your submissive partner – whether it’s choking, spanking, bondage, or anything else –should be something they have consented to. Something they are permitting you to do, not something you do against their will.
If you do something you know your partner is not okay with, you’ve crossed the line from domination to sexual assault. The ‘domination’ ends as soon as the submissive says no, as soon as they retract their permission.
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Too many inexperienced people believe that a dom-sub relationship is all about holding real power over another person, when in reality it’s all one big act. It’s pretend – a mutual agreement to carry out a fantasy for both parties as long as it remains safe and fun for everyone.
This is what confuses a lot of people when it comes to control fantasies. It’s not about the submissive actually being sexually forced against their will. No one wants that.
It’s about being able to willingly relinquish control to their partner, knowing that they’ll be able to safely indulge in a fantasy without consequence. In other words, a dom-sub relationship isn’t about power at all. It’s about trust.
Why trust is the core of a dom-sub relationship
Most people like to believe they know what their partner is into, even if it’s never been stated. Admittedly, if you know someone well, you can make some decently accurate guesses.
I was once in a relationship where the submissive nature of my partner was no mystery. She always waited for me to initiate sexual encounters, and within them, she liked being manhandled and verbally ‘degraded’.
I figured that she would be into the more typical trappings of submission, like being spanked or choked. I had opportunities to try those out during some of our escapades too – to spontaneously test my theory.
But I didn’t, because I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries. I wanted to respect her half of the experience, and her right to only be subjected to what she was alright with. Most of all, I didn’t want to lose her trust, which is the backbone of not just healthy sex, but healthy relationships in general.
“Too many inexperienced people believe that a dom-sub relationship is all about power, when in reality it’s a mutual agreement”
I had some kinky ideas that night, but I didn’t act on them in the heat of the moment. I won’t lie, it was a bit of a bummer for that one experience. I didn’t get to indulge my desires that time, but I did avoid a dangerous gamble that could have irreparably damaged the relationship. Sex is when people are most vulnerable, when they are placing a great deal of trust in their partner.
This is especially true if there’s a power dynamic, or significant difference in strength between the two. The stronger person could do some very bad things if they were so inclined. That’s why sex is arguably the most important area to avoid breaching your partner’s trust. If you’re willing to exploit them in such a vulnerable state, what does it say about how you’ll treat them elsewhere?
Trust is one of the most valuable things you can offer to another person. In a dom-sub relationship, the submissive offers an incredibly important form of trust to their dominant partner. It’s on the dom to value and respect that trust, to acknowledge that dominating the sub isn’t their right, but a privilege that can be revoked any time.
Trust is also often rewarded — eventually, my partner revealed herself to be comfortable with many aspects of BDSM. All we needed to do was have an honest conversation about our desires and our boundaries.
Setting boundaries through open conversation
There is no other way to establish boundaries with your submissive partner than to talk about those boundaries. Yes, it’s awkward, but it has to be done, because kinks are complicated. Your partner may only be into certain types of spanking, choking, or bondage. You have to talk about these things to get the nuance you need.
Obviously, being familiar and comfortable with your partner makes these conversations a lot easier, but you don’t have to specifically ask: “Hey, do you want to be gagged and whipped next time?” Of course that’ll be awkward.
Instead, just casually ask your partner about things they would like to try, and assure them that your first priority is their safety and happiness. For someone to be open about a willingness to be sexually submissive, they have to trust you enough to place their safety and pleasure in your hands.
If you don’t put them first, you’ll never fit that bill. Besides, you may be surprised at how easy it can be – recent studies show that nearly a third of couples practice BDSM in some capacity. It’s not some freakish kink that disgusts the masses, and more people are into it than you think.
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Common myths about BDSM debunked
Ultimately, BDSM is a confusing topic for many people, especially when pop culture does such a great job misrepresenting it. Yes, there are ropes and chains and whips. Yes, one person dominates the other.
But the idea that BDSM involves actually abusing another person against their will is all wrong. There is no selfishness to domination. It’s about fulfilling your partner’s desires, not your own.
Most of all, while it’s much kinkier than vanilla sex, BDSM is no different in the one thing that matters most – it requires consent between two well-informed adults that know what they’re agreeing to.