A guide to the talking stage (whatever that means)
Lucy Sarret explores the awkward moment between just ‘seeing each other’ and officially dating.
(credit: Unsplash)
While there are many dating debates we’ve had here on Sextras, I think we can all agree on one thing: the talking stage is weird. It’s that in-between zone where you’re not quite dating, but you’re definitely not just friends either.
You’re texting, making your own inside jokes, perhaps even planning dates, but you’re not entirely sure if you’re both on the same page; you’ve already run the phrase, “so, what are we?” through your head a thousand times.
Sound familiar? Yeah, it does for me too.
But fear not – if you’re knee-deep in the talking stage, unsure of what’s next, or just trying to avoid making a fool of yourself, we’ve got your back.
Let’s break down how to survive this limbo with your sanity intact, and maybe, just maybe, come out of it with something real.
Define your expectations
The talking stage is messy, unpredictable, and each person's idea of what they want out of it could be entirely different. Before you get too deep into it, figure out what you want. Are you looking for a relationship? Are you just having fun? Are you really ready for the emotional rollercoaster that is modern dating?
It’s okay to not have all the answers right away, but at least have an idea of what you’re hoping to get out of talking to this person. It’ll save you from unnecessary heartache down the line.
The art of texting (AKA: how not to overthink)
Texting is basically your lifeline. It’s how you build connection, flirt, and drop hints that you’re into them without being too obvious. But here’s the thing: overthinking every single text is a one-way ticket to Stressville.
Do: Be yourself, keep it light, and don’t stress if they don’t reply instantly. Everyone has a life, and a delayed response doesn’t mean they’re ghosting you (most of the time).
Don’t: Start analysing every emoji they use. If you’re losing sleep over whether the winky face means they like you or are just being friendly, you’re already in too deep.
Texting can feel like the end-all-be-all of a talking stage (credit: Squarespace Stock)
Boundaries are your BFF
The talking stage is notorious for being a grey area, so setting boundaries early on can help prevent any unnecessary drama down the line. If you’re not comfortable with something, whether it’s sending naughty pics or answering deep personal questions on day two, let them know.
Boundaries to consider:
How often you want to text
What topics are off-limits
Whether or not you’re seeing other people
Hot take: It’s okay to ask the person you’re talking to what they’re looking for, even if it’s still early. Try to let go of your fears of "ruining the vibe" and instead make sure you're comfortably on the same page.
Read more: Editors on…our dating ins and outs
Beware of the ‘situationship’ trap
Ah, the infamous situationship, where the talking stage drags on way past its expiration date and neither of you wants to commit (but you also don’t want to let go). The key to avoiding this is knowing when to either move forward or move on.
Signs you’re slipping into a situationship:
You’ve been “talking” for months with no real progress
They’re always “too busy” to hang out
They avoid defining the relationship like it’s a plague
one of you might secretly want a relationship but you're scared to voice this, or that it feels as though one of you could be stringing the other along
If it’s been months and you’re still “just talking”, and this is a problem for you, it might be time to have a grown-up conversation.
Keep it fun, not forced
The talking stage is prime time for flirting, so have fun with it! Send that bold text, drop a subtle compliment, or flirt with that perfect blend of “I’m into you, but I’m also kind of mysterious”.
Do: Be playful and tease them (in a cute way). It builds tension and keeps things exciting.
Don’t: Try too hard. If you’re Googling “best flirty texts” daily, you’re overdoing it. Just be yourself, and the right person will vibe with that.
When to have ‘the talk’
The dreaded “what are we?” conversation. It’s scary, but at some point, you’ll need to figure out if this thing is going somewhere or if you’re just wasting each other’s time. There’s no “perfect” moment, but here are some cues:
You’ve been talking consistently for anywhere between a few weeks to a few months
You’re catching feelings, and you suspect they might be too
You’re starting to get jealous when they mention other people (it happens, don’t lie)
Pro tip: Approach it casually. You could say something like: “Hey, I’m really enjoying getting to know you – what are you hoping to get out of this?” It’s a great, low-pressure way to get the ball rolling.
Don’t ignore the red flags
If they’re giving you mixed signals, constantly cancelling plans, or only texting you at odd hours, pay attention. The talking stage is the perfect time to figure out if this person is actually worth your time.
Green flags: Consistency, genuine interest, respect for your boundaries
Red flags: Hot and cold behaviour, only reaching out when it’s convenient, being weirdly secretive about basic things (like their last name)
Remember: It’s called the talking stage, not the “make excuses for bad behaviour” stage.
It’s okay to walk away
Not every talking stage is going to turn into a relationship, and that’s perfectly okay. You’re getting mixed signals, or if you’re not feeling it anymore, it’s better to end things sooner rather than dragging it out.
How to bow out gracefully:
Be honest but kind (“I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re on the same page”)
Don’t ghost – it’s 2024, we’re better than that
Wish them well, then move on
Enjoy the ride, but know when to get off
The talking stage can be confusing, exciting, and sometimes downright frustrating, but it’s also a great way to figure out what you want (and don’t want) in a relationship.
So, embrace the fun, stay true to yourself, and remember: if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. And if it’s not? Well, there are plenty more people out there to “talk” to.