Panting, moaning, a build up and then…nothing. In the heat of sex, it can be disappointing when an orgasm just isn’t happening for you or your partner. Honey Wyatt asks experts why sometimes we just can’t come, and what to do about it

If there’s one thing that decades of mainstream porn have successfully ingrained in us (and trust us, there’s many more), it’s that sex is centred around penetration and it ends when the man comes. Meanwhile, women express their pleasure with a whole load of moaning, but we rarely get to see women having an actual orgasm. 

Luckily, we’re beginning to move away from the money shot being the be all and end all of porn, with the popularisation of different genres that normalise different body types and kinds of sex. But one thing that’s taking slightly longer to slip away from our consciousness is the idea that sex centres around an orgasm, especially for men. 

A recent survey by Beducated.com, a pleasure-based sex education streaming platform, found that men are still twice as likely to orgasm regularly during straight sex than women, while cis women are three times more likely to fake an orgasm than men, with not wanting to hurt their partner’s feelings as the most common reason why.

With the assumption that men orgasm every time and women don’t (or when they do, it’s fake) comes a catch 22 scenario where women don’t experience as much pleasure as they might otherwise, and in straight sex, worry they’re not able to sexually satisfy their male partners, while men feel incompetent when they’re not able to perform. 

When it comes to masturbating, though, the orgasm gap between genders disappears almost entirely, with 86% of men and 88% of women saying they regularly orgasm during masturbation. 

So what’s stopping your partner from orgasming during sex?

Focus on the clitoris

Sexuality psychologist and author of Becoming Cliterate, Dr Laurie Mintz, explains that how the media portrays women’s orgasms contributes to a wider cultural issue where women aren’t having orgasms during sex as regularly as men (ie. the orgasm gap). 

“This disparity is not due to women’s bodies or the elusive nature of their orgasms,” says Mintz. Instead, the lack of emphasis on external clitoral stimulation in wider culture is stopping women experiencing pleasure.

This is particularly true in first-time hookups, where 10% of women orgasm versus 68% in committed relationships. “Women also report higher orgasm rates during sexual encounters with other women,” Mintz comments.

“The majority of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm […] In my research involving thousand of women, only 4% identified penetration alone as their most reliable route to orgasm, while the remaining 96% cited clitoral stimulation, either exclusively or in conjunction with penetration.” 

Because this is a cultural issue, if your partner struggles to orgasm during sex, your first response should be to not take it personally. “Avoid defensiveness or shutdown,” advises Mintz, and whatever you do, don’t ever blame your partner. 

“It’s also crucial not to pressure them,” she says. “Instead, show empathy, support and curiosity. Express that their pleasure matters to you and express a willingness to learn more about how to enhance their pleasure. Suggest having a conversation about this outside the bedroom.”

In the long term, both partners can benefit from learning how to navigate the clitoris. “Women should be encouraged to masturbate to discover their sexual preferences and learn to communicate these to their partners,” Mintz explains.

“They should also feel entitled to pleasure and empowered to seek the same type of stimulation alone as with a partner. This means redefining sexual encounters in heterosexual relationships to include mutual pleasure, such as taking turns with oral sex or manual stimulation, or incorporating self-stimulation during intercourse.”

But the onus isn’t all on the vulva-owning partner. “Men have a role to play as well, by educating themselves on women’s anatomy, pleasure and sexual communication,” says Mintz. In the age of the internet, if you can watch porn, there’s really no excuse for not finding resources that can teach you about the clitoris. Mintz suggests She Comes First, by Ian Kerner, or her own book, Becoming Cliterate.

Get out of your head

We might forget it in the moment, but when it comes to cumming, whatever is going on in our heads is intricately connected to our sexual enjoyment. Between Us Clinic reports that around 20% of erectile dysfunction cases are psychological, meaning stress, depression, anxiety or low body image can prevent blood flow to the penis. Similarly, taking antidepressants or anxiety medication can impact your sex drive and ability to orgasm.

And, because of any social or interpersonal expectations we might internalise about how to act during sex, stress around having an orgasm can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Jeni Simas, Sexual Health Alliance certified sex coach, explains that embodiment exercises can be helpful for anyone finding it difficult to shut out stress and really enjoy the moment. “Think about the colours you want to feel in your body when you climax,” she says. 

“Think about the waves of wetness you can feel getting produced in your body. Focus your thoughts on one particular body part or facial feature of your lover and how it excites and delights you.”

Being vocal can also help to get you out of your head. “Sometimes, allowing yourself to moan is enough to kickstart a climax,” Simas notes. “Sexy hot talk is an excellent way to not only ask for what you truly desire, but to get out of your own mental way if you are struggling to connect your body, mind and desire into one.” 

In the long run, mindfulness practices might help “alleviate concerns about appearance or partner satisfaction during sex,” says Mintz. Speaking to a therapist is never a bad shout, either, and could provide insight into the root cause of your mental block.

Switch it up

If your partner is having problems getting out of their head, or can’t orgasm for other reasons, trying something new could help them get closer. Simas suggests the “Just for me” game: "Where you and your partner take turns in whatever agreed upon time increments (generally 1, 3, or 5 minutes), and you do something or ask for something sensual that is just for you. 

“While a lot of sex can be mutually exciting and pleasurable, sometimes it is nice to just allow the focus to be on one partner and really make an agreement that they can be totally selfish and enjoy themselves.” 

Incorporating vibrators and other sex toys can help to switch things up, too. “Research shows that women who use vibrators report more frequent orgasms,” explains Mintz. Testing out different kinds of stimulation can provide a welcome antidote to your regular routine. 

When it comes to penetrative sex, different positions stimulate areas in different ways, and can help with various the problems that contribute to not having orgasms. In a recent survey by Between Us Clinic, 35% of sex experts choose doggy style as the best position for aiding erection strength (ie. people with penises being unable to maintain an erection, or get one at all). 

Unlike some positions, doggy doesn’t stop blood flow to the penis, and allows a good view of the partner being penetrated. Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl have similar benefits, while also allowing a good view of your partner on top, and spooning prevents the body from becoming too strained.

For clitoral stimulation, experts voted cowgirl as the most effective for the vulva owner to control how their clitoris is being stimulated. Doggy is also a great position for either partner to hold a vibrator against the clitoris, or even use their hands. 

So there you have it — a comprehensive guide for what to do when you, or a partner, can’t orgasm. It’s helpful to have a log of techniques to fall back on in instances where one of you wants to come but can’t, but it’s also important to remember that orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal of every sexual interaction. 

Sometimes that pressure to cum can detract from our enjoyment of the actual experience; while Sextras could not back people maximising their pleasure more, if this doesn’t always come in the form of an orgasm, that’s okay!