The moment I knew…I was attracted to women
In TMIK, people tell us their real stories about those moments when everything becomes clear. This time, writer Fiona Fletcher Reid recalls when she first realised she was gay - as told to Lucy Sarret.
Queer visibility was scarce when I was a teenager. I grew up just outside Glasgow in the 90s, during the era of Section 28, when discussions of non-heteronormative identities were practically banned in schools.
I found myself navigating the complexities of sexuality with very little guidance. The concept of being attracted to women was alien to me, and societal expectations pushed me towards presuming I was straight.
My teenage years were marked by a lack of awareness about my sexual orientation. I recall assuming heterosexuality was the default, a notion that most women endured to conform.
A significant turning point occurred at 17, when I had a drunken sexual encounter with a female friend. The aftermath, marked by her projected shame, led me to dismiss it as experimentation. Little did I know then that this event would have a profound impact on my life.
Media representations of LGBTQ+ relationships were lacking during my formative years. I vaguely remember a lesbian kiss on Brookside, but the negative attention it garnered only made me deny my own queerness even further.
In recent years, my perspective has shifted with the increasing visibility of queer storylines in the media. TV shows like Feel Good really made me start to question my sexuality.
“For so long, I’d been trying to make my desires about fitting in rather than authentic self-discovery”
I also started listening to a lot of queer female artists like Muna and Phoebe Bridgers, which opened my mind to the idea that maybe they resonated with me for a deeper reason. It compelled me to explore my sexuality more openly, a process that, though at times painful, led to invaluable self-discovery.
I met my husband in university, when I was 18. We were married for six years, during which I struggled with doubts on my true attraction, and I even started therapy during our marriage due to my anxiety, and our sex life.
Alone in my family home over Christmas, the moment of clarity arrived when I was 35. I was working on my laptop and had just finished the second draft of a novel I'd been working on. I closed the laptop and for some reason, a light just flashed on in my head.
“I might be gay,” I thought.
It was like I'd poured enough of myself onto paper to clear space for this revelation, and for the first time ever I decided I wasn’t going to ignore it. That's when I knew. For so long, I’d been trying to make my desires about fitting in rather than authentic self-discovery.
In therapy, I explored a lot of my emotions around past sexual encounters, abuse and my current relationship. I was in therapy for two years before I realised I was gay; it was never the topic of conversation. It was more about peeling back the layers of my own identity to see what was underneath.
Coming out to myself was a positive experience overall, but it brought with it a myriad of emotions. Grief for a dissolved marriage, regret for lost time, and shame (so much shame). Yet the joy of self-acceptance has overshadowed the challenges.
Breaking the news to my ex was undoubtedly the most painful part of the process. The realisation that my truth would hurt someone I cared about weighed heavily on my heart.
Surprisingly, my self-discovery breathed new life into existing friendships. Showing up authentically has deepened my connections, although I wish I had more queer friends who truly understand the nuances of my experience.
This process is ongoing, but despite the challenges, the joy of living authentically as a woman attracted to women has transformed my life in ways I could never have imagined.