Feeling overwhelmed by Valentine's Day? Reconnecting with your senses might help
Your bank account has just recovered from Christmas shopping. Your seasonal depression is peaking after months of grizzle and grey. And now you’re expected to feel… romantic? Loved-up chocolates have flooded the supermarket shelves for months, and restaurants around the world are fully booked for that one frightful night of the year: Valentine’s Day.
With all the mounting pressure, a day that is ‘supposed’ to be one of love and passion can easily slip into stressful territory. Especially considering the fact that, now platonic love is treated as more of an equal to romantic love, Galentine’s (13 February), and the unfortunately-acronymed Singles Awareness Day (15 February) have been welcomed into the fold. For some, one night of celebration has turned into two or three in an attempt to make everyone in their lives feel loved – as if the one day (or every day of the year!) wasn’t enough to begin with.
Inevitably, this comes with more cash splashing; so much so that spending on Valentine’s has increased by 6% each year since 2017. With the cost of living crisis to contend with, the never-ending swirl of social/work/family obligations, and being exhausted by the constant current of bad news in the world, Valentine’s Day doesn’t exactly make for an aphrodisiac arrival.
READ MORE: ‘I’m single on Valentine’s Day and want to celebrate my friends – how can I do that?’
Often, it’s quite the contrary. Amidst all the anticipation and expectation for a night of wining and dining and post-dinner pleasure, it can be easy for Valentine’s to feel like a disappointment. “Many can feel the social demand to show that they love or are loved by their partners on Valentine's Day, and there is an expectation of what that 'should' look like, which not only can leave us comparing ourselves to others, but means we can get stuck in the gap between our expectations vs reality,” sex and relationships psychotherapist Kate Moyle tells Sextras.
A fifth of Brits say that Valentine’s Day is the ultimate anti-climax, according to dessert brand Gü, while 64% think the day feels forced. Overwhelm around Valentine’s Day is such a problem that 42% of Brits say they’re skipping it altogether this year. And fair enough, why go to all the effort to plan a nice date when it doesn’t pay off, especially when you’re busy trying to live your life and become who you are (to quote our lord and saviour Hannah Horvath)?
But if you’re hoping for something extra from your significant other, unmet expectations can lead to genuine emotional distress, especially for women. A 2025 study shows that feelings of loneliness, stress, and disappointment around love and connection can be particularly intense for both single and partnered women at this time of year.
This is totally normal given the commercialised nature of the holiday, explains holistic health and wellness practitioner and host of The Everygirl Podcast, Josie Santi. “Valentine’s Day is a heightened embodiment of what most of us long for: to be seen, to be prioritised, to be appreciated without having to ask,” she tells Sextras. “As women we are the ones typically seeing, prioritising, and appreciating. So many women hope they’ll feel that during this holiday. It’s hard to be human in a culture that commercialises intimacy and ranks women by relationship status.”
“It’s hard to be human in a culture that commercialises intimacy and ranks women by relationship status”
With so much weight on the day, it can be easy to rely on the night to fulfil your pleasure quota for the year – devastating should those hopes not be met when Gü’s research finds 27% of people say they feel like they already have a pleasure deficit in their lives.
The good news: you don’t have to go all-out on Valentine’s Day to push your pleasure buttons. Deciding what the night should look like for you – whether that’s romance, opting out, cooking something indulgent, an unserious night with friends, or treating it like any other day – can reduce unwanted pressure, Santi recommends. “Pre-deciding shifts you into authorship,” she says. “When you define the meaning in advance, you remove the evaluation loop. You’re no longer scanning the night asking, ‘Was this enough? Was I celebrated enough? Am I behind?’ You already decided what success looks like.”
If comparison and anxiety still creep in, taking a step back from extravagance to reconnect with your senses could help you block out the noise and comparison and feel grateful for yourself and the love you do have in your life – just like any other night of the year – Moyle suggests. “Connecting with our senses can help shift us from a place of cognitive overwhelm and overload, to being in our bodies more as it helps to root us in the present,” she says. “When we feel overwhelmed we often become both future and comparison focused – and connecting with where we are at right now offers us the opportunity for the opposite.”
Best of all, if you’re making use of your ears, eyes, mouth, nose, and fingers, you won’t have to spend an arm and a leg to enjoy your evening. Valentine’s Day might be sold as a night for engaging in your horniest desires, but 46% of people responding to Gü’s survey place enjoying delicious food as their biggest source of pleasure over sex and intimacy (30%). That’s right, Valentine’s Day activities can be as simple as running to the shops for a sweet treat to enjoy together, lighting a candle or running a bath (and if your lover is into acts of service, look out!).
“When you notice the spiral beginning – comparison, resentment, pressure – pause and orient yourself physically”
If it is sexual pleasure you’re after, introducing a new sensory cue into the mix will be the most effective and low-pressure way to lay groundwork, Moyle says. “If you are someone who struggles to be in the moment, then adding in elements of novelty will help to focus your attention more and so a good place to start is changing your sensory environment,” she says, pointing to things like changing the lighting, wearing an item of clothing that feels good against your skin, or using a new scent or music as tools to try. “While it sounds obvious, all of these will help to shift your focus, and slow the pace to get you into a more open and potentially pleasure-focused state.”
Connecting with your breath can also help to calm your nervous system, Santi explains. “When you notice the spiral beginning – comparison, resentment, pressure – pause and orient yourself physically,” she says. “Put both feet flat on the floor. Lengthen your exhale so it’s slightly longer than your inhale. Let your shoulders drop. This sounds almost insultingly simple, but it signals to your nervous system that you are not in danger.”
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, the most important thing to remember is to not put pressure on the situation: forget about having your craziest sex of the year or finding the fanciest restaurant to go to. Once you feel unwanted stress starting to creep in, it’s time to strip things back. Metaphorically, that is. “Use sensation as your priority and if you find your mind wandering, bring it back by just checking in with the five senses individually,” Moyle says. “Really it's about curiosity, sensation seeking and giving yourself permission to focus your attention with intention on yourself and your pleasure.”
“And just remember: You are allowed to mute the apps for 24 hours,” Santi says. “You are allowed to cancel on the group dinner that feels performative. You are allowed to tell your partner, gently and clearly, what would actually feel good to you instead of silently hoping they read your mind. The job of boundaries is to protect your nervous system from any amount of stress and anxiety.”