What my older sister taught me about sex
Studies show that people are more likely to go to their older sibling than their parents about sex. Relationships editor Lucy Sarret explains how her big sister’s advice helped her navigate adulthood.
Growing up, my sister and I were always very close. Despite the five-year age gap, we somehow always spent time together - and enjoyed it.
We played Barbies for hours on end, ran around in the park in our matching jackets, and shared whispered secrets at night until our father came into our room and told us to go to sleep.
As the older sibling, my sister went through everything before me - her first period, her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her First Time. And as our bond remained very strong, it seemed only natural that she would share her experiences with me. And when my time came, I shared mine with her.
It was my sister who taught me how to put in a tampon. When I was curious about contraception, she referred me to her doctor, and explained the process she went through.
It’s not that I wasn’t close to my parents. I’m lucky enough to have very strong bonds with my entire family, and they provided me with a loving, warm, and safe environment to grow up in. But I soon realised generational differences when, at 13 years old, my mother’s one and only sex advice to my sister and I was: “don’t have sex until you’re 18”.
“I think I’ve always had a good relationship with our parents, with one small exception,” my sister told me. “When I had my first real boyfriend, I decided to ask mom about contraception (because, you know, I thought it was safe). She was the adult I felt most comfortable asking. I didn’t realise how much of a big no-no that was. Drama and arguments with both my parents ensued. It felt very unfair.
“Right after our fight, I remember going to you and telling you ‘If you need information about anything about sex, you ask me. NEVER our parents’.”
Sex ed was never something that my parents seemed to think was important, and we never really discussed it as a family. Add to that the stark warning I got, and I soon realised I felt more comfortable with my sister being my go-to.
And it seems I haven’t been the only one: recent research has shown the influential role of birth order in sexual education. One particular study revealed that youngest siblings, regardless of gender, were less likely to cite parents as their primary source of sex education, instead turning to their older siblings for guidance.
“I think teens and kids see their parents as people who impose rules, whereas siblings are peers, especially if their parents have scolded them before,” Suzannah Weiss of Bedbible explains. “They might think of their parents as more old-fashioned, not ‘cool’ for that discussion.”
For my sister, endorsing that role felt logical: “I just figured you shouldn’t have to go through that just for some information, or to start a consensual, protected sexual relationship”, she said.
“At the time, my actions weren't driven by a protective instinct, but rather by a need for justice, fairness, a feeling that this is not how it should go down for anyone. And we have had a few discussions over the years, so I guess it helped?”
It certainly did.
In my case, going to my sister rather than my parents was definitely a peer-to-peer conversation. I was able to share, ask questions, and get actual helpful advice rather than a blanket statement that might have ended up with me getting pregnant way too soon (sorry mom).
It’s no unusual situation that my parents were uncomfortable with discussing sex with their kids, and to this day, I still believe they somehow knew my sister would take care of that aspect.
But there was also a fear in their apprehension, that talking openly about sex would lead me (and my sister) to have it. This is patently untrue - in fact, the opposite usually happens.
It has been proven (more than once) that proper sex education actually makes it more likely that first time having sex will happen later, when a young person feels ready. And – most importantly – the first time having sex is more likely to be consensual, meaning it’s wanted and agreed to, as it’s been explained.
My sister and I circa 2005
Listen to: Why Talk About Sex?
“One myth is that talking to your kid about sex is gonna freak them out”, Weiss explains. “If parents are comfortable, that will translate into the conversation. Sex is not inherently shameful, we make it that way by not talking about it.”
Looking at the (barely) well-rounded adult I am now, I recognise my sister's guidance was a lifeline that saved me from the pitfalls of ignorance and misinformation. While formal sex education in schools and sporadic conversations with parents offered fragments of understanding, it was the candid discussions with my sister that provided clarity and context.
Beyond the technical and practical, speaking with my sister, who made me feel comfortable and safe, also taught me the importance of consent, boundaries, and self-worth within sex.
Through her guidance, I learned that intimacy is not just about reproduction, as we see in textbooks, but also about mutual respect, communication, and physical pleasure. This is not a conversation many parents tend to engage in either.
I don’t necessarily blame my parents. I think while we all strive to be better than past generations, growing up in a culture of shame around sex leaves its marks. They never taught me anything harmful or destructive about sex - they simply didn’t teach me anything. But I do often wonder how I would have turned out without my sister.
And for anyone wondering - my parents have since apologised profusely to my sister for their reaction at her asking to get on the pill, and now that we’re all adults, through the kind of stuff I write on here nowadays, it’s actually opened up our conversations around sex and sexuality. Maybe a bit late, but hey- baby steps.