The Good, the Bad, the Flirty:The truth and lies behind lesbian dating stereotypes
It seems like nobody wants to U-Haul these days. Deputy relationships editor Dani Clarke investigates whether the sapphic stereotypes of yesteryear still have a place in the modern landscape of WLW relationships.
Photo by Mahrael Boutros on Unsplash
In season two, episode three of The L Word, Jenny attempts to explain to her friends why she had to break things off with her hot new girlfriend. “She’s smart, she’s sexy… she’s great,” Jenny reasons. What could have possibly gone wrong? “She brought a U-Haul to the second date,” guesses her friend Alice – correctly. The entire group expresses their solidarity through knowing, lesbian laughter.
The joke – that lesbians move fast in relationships or, more literally, move in together after having just met – originates from a stand-up set by comedian Lea DeLaria, AKA Big Boo from Orange Is The New Black. “What do lesbians bring on a second date?” she asked in 1988. Answer: “A U-Haul!” A staple of Sapphic humour, it gets a laugh, even now. But is there any truth behind the supposed “urge to merge”?
According to LGBTQ+ lore, the stereotype has been around since the 1950s or 60s. It’s theorised that mid-century gay women would choose to live together due to practicality rather than preference, as this set-up allowed them to live out “safe and fulfilling” relationships away from prying eyes. And while a whole host of laws throughout history have cracked down on gay male relationships, the idea of queer women engaging in romantic, let alone sexual, partnerships was almost inconceivable to the general public for a long time.
As a result, it was somewhat easier for women to engage in under-the-radar relationships. In the 19th century, for example, two wealthy American women could even cohabit and make a socially recognised commitment to one another, referred to at the time as a “Boston marriage”.
While the stereotype endures today, remaining both a popular punchline and a genuinely held belief, Stanford University says it’s a myth. A 2018 study found that, “contrary to popular conceptions of lesbians as eager to commit”, there are no signs that they move faster than other kinds of same-sex and different-sex couples.
So, why then, does it remain such a foundational element of the Sapphic experience? Why, when Alice from The L Word alludes to the dreaded moving van pulling up too soon, do we all know exactly what she means? Can science even quantify the intricacies of lesbian merging patterns??
After all, the “merge” aspect is quantifiable. The “urge” part is much trickier to track. Maybe, nowadays, fewer lesbians throw caution to the wind and their possessions into cardboard boxes at the first flutter of feelings. But – who’s to say they don’t want to?
“The ‘slow-burn’ trope implies a more cautious approach to relationships, which could be rooted in the barriers queer women face, such as societal stigmas or a lack of visible relationship models”
“My girlfriend and I went on a five-hour first date, but resisted the very real temptation to U-Haul because it's such a stereotype,” says 25-year-old Lola. “We both felt a deep connection but didn't want to rush into it.”
As a result, the couple – who have now been together for five years – took things deliberately slowly and waited about four months to say “I love you”.
“I think it's because we were at uni and having the time of our lives, so it felt like we had the time to let it build naturally,” Lola says. “There was absolutely an ‘urge to merge’, in that we wanted to see each other 24/7, but we had separate lives and were living with separate friends, so didn't feel the need to rush into it.”
In a recent Sextras poll*, around two thirds of queer female respondents said they haven’t U-Hauled with a partner. Although, much like Lola and her girlfriend, some explained this was due to deliberately trying not to.
Kayden Roberts, the chief marketing officer for dating app CamGo, believes there's some truth to the U-Haul cliché.
“In general, women might be more emotionally open and communicative, which can lead to a faster development of intimacy and connection,” Roberts says. “In lesbian relationships, this effect can be amplified. A smaller dating pool can also encourage quicker commitment once a compatible partner is found.”
Natalie, 24, says that when she and her girlfriend met and started dating, they knew right away it was special. “But we ended up waiting quite a long time for all our big moments – like confessing our feelings and becoming official,” she says. “I knew it was going to last so I wanted the beginning to be like a slow burn romance.”
The Sapphic slow burn – commonly showcased in period dramas – is when two women engage in mutually painful and desperate pining for one another, represented by longing glances and, if we’re lucky, some furtive physical contact.
But this on-screen portrayal of romance between queer women as slow, dramatic, and often unfulfilling also plays into the tragic and shameful connotations lesbians carried throughout history.
In the TikTok era, the slow burn might be reflective of a plight many lesbians share and discuss on social media – their total inability to make the first move.
“The ‘slow-burn’ trope implies a more cautious approach to relationships, which could be rooted in the barriers queer women face, such as societal stigmas or a lack of visible relationship models,” Kayden Roberts says. “Queer women may also experience apprehension in expressing interest or making the first move due to fear of rejection or uncertainty about the other person's sexuality.”
Of course, she says, it’s important to consider the cultural and social contexts in which these stereotypes arise.
Cassie, a 23-year-old lesbian, says the slow burn pisses her off. “I’ve had slow burn experiences with women, but this was when I was younger when I wasn’t comfortable with being openly out, and I was in a phase of discovery,” she says. “I didn’t want to ruin friendships and I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“My first date with my first serious girlfriend lasted 18 days, and my current girlfriend moved in with me after about two weeks. We signed a lease after three months of knowing each other”
Since she grew out of the “finding herself” phase, Cassie’s relationships all began to move very fast. “My first date with my first serious girlfriend lasted 18 days,” she says. “And my current girlfriend moved in with me after about two weeks. We signed a lease after three months of knowing each other.” Take that, Stanford University!
Dr Ruth Schwartz, the director at Conscious Girlfriend Academy, a dating coach service, says that both the U-Haul and slow burn ‘myths’ reflect truths of lesbian dynamics. “Women do hesitate to make the first move,” she says, “and we tend to emotionally U-Haul very quickly.”
She believes this is due to lesbians experiencing “mutual limerence” faster and deeper than other kinds of couples. “Limerence is that neurochemical brain high which makes us feel as if we're perfect for each other, and typically wears off, sometimes to devastating effect after three months or so,” Dr Schwartz explains.
“I often say that lesbian relationships can be the best relationships on the planet, but they do take more skill,” she continues. “There are more triggers, more attachment wounds resurfacing – but two women together have so much capacity for intimacy.”
Lola says she’s not not pro or anti U-Hauling. “I think so much of it depends on your situation and past experiences. But I do think you need to be careful when getting into a new lesbian relationship because feelings evolve quickly when you connect on such a deep level.
“We share so much of our lived experiences with other queer women – from things like harassment and name calling, to your first queer crushes, or just feeling misunderstood – that you're almost bound to connect instantly,” she says. “But if you become codependent with your partner and shut out others in your life, that can be hugely harmful. It's all about finding the right balance.”
Perhaps somewhere between the 1960s and now, lesbians started to resist that urge and hold back in their relationships, precisely because of these stereotypes. And with so many misconceptions and presumptions about their courting rituals, it’s not hard to see why queer women overthink the steps they take or how fast they move when they meet a girl they like. But maybe it’s time to bring back the U-Haul? To revive the Boston marriage as an ode vintage lesbianism.
As Cassie says, “We have nothing to lose, so why not?”
*31 poll respondents