How to survive (and thrive) in a long-distance relationship
Navigating long distance relationship can be tricky, but Akanksha Poddar shares how she’s made it work.
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For years, long-distance has been perceived as an evil curse for relationships. Communication is difficult, there’s zero physical intimacy, and meeting regularly is a far-fetched dream (unless you’re a billionaire).
Ted in How I Met Your Mother even said that “Long distance is just a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.”
But does that mean LDRs don’t work?
I heard similar things when I committed to my long-distance partner six years ago. We had been best friends for a year and I believed we could beat the odds.
My confidence shattered when I broke the news to my sister and she asked: “But how are you guys gonna meet? Also, won’t it get lonely just talking to a screen?”
Back then, this scared me. Now, not so much. In fact, if I had to give just one good takeaway, I would say dealing with problems is the way to thrive in an LDR.
Though of course, problems are aplenty. At first, you’re all overtaken by the magical adrenaline and everything just fits in.
Then, you’re hit by the real train: all you do is sit on your laptop and talk. While you have the privilege of being in touch constantly, you’re never actually touching.
But before you fall into the vicious thoughts of “I can’t do this, I need intimacy, I need interaction”, There are two things I want you to think about:
You love your partner, so stop!
The distance is temporary (a long temporary, but temporary)
So, let’s think of ways to work through these icky thoughts in the meantime. Here’s how I dealt with issues in my LDR.
Trust Issues
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Trusting a person is the most difficult thing. Despite knowing the guy for years, I wasn’t sure. There were just too many “what ifs” in the way. What if he gets bored of me’ what if he finds someone better; what if the distance pulls us apart?
But this constant doubt is what ends up affecting the relationship. We get jealous, insecure, and fight about the littlest things. Sometimes, it's the opposite: you trust the person but don’t know how to prove it. So, you overcompensate in the relationship. The result? We end up in a rift.
The easiest way to solve this is communication, which is like a key to cracking LDR. Open up and talk about your feelings like “ey, hope this isn’t boring for you”. Instead of making up things in my head, I like to straight up ask. And truly believe his answer.
Frequent affirmations and setting clear boundaries also help to keep things smooth. While reaffirming boosts trust, boundaries build expectations. Both go hand in hand to form a clear picture of the relationship.
Most importantly, trust yourself. I admit, many times, I did think I wasn’t built for this LDR thing. It was just so difficult; some days, we’d talk a lot, others barely a word. This made both of us feel distant and doubt the whole idea. But then again, we did love each other and had to do this. So, what could we do? We trusted ourselves, and here we are!
Loneliness and isolation
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We humans took years to develop into independent and self-reliant beings. We might well have learned how to fight the biggest threats, but beating loneliness is still not on the list.
The feeling of isolation gets even worse when you’re in an LDR.Be it in the form of FOMO or wanting intimacy, it always leaves us vulnerable. Your partner might be having a great time with their friends, and you’re happy for them, but a part of you wishes you could be there. This makes you feel disconnected, like you’re just a spectator of their lives.
I felt it too, on a busy Monday morning or a cosy Sunday night. I always had an ache to be with my partner, maybe get a coffee before work, or binge-watch on weekends. So, I made the most of technology. We would often catch up on video before work and stream Gilmore Girls on weekends.
Now, what about physical intimacy? Making plans always helped. We would always track down long weekends for trips or staycations. And make elaborate plans for activities to do (or not do). It kept our spirits high until the time we met.
Other than this, focusing on yourself and building a support network is always important. We are social animals after all, and we need to interact. Having a strong friend group helps. Practising hobbies or learning new things also engages you. Remember: you shouldn’t sideline your personal life just because you’re in a relationship, it still matters.
Communication Breakdown
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Technology may have grown, but communication gaps still exist. That’s mainly because of emotional reasons more than anything else. My partner would ‘ghost’ me because of work, resulting in a fight. Now, I recognise these patterns. But in the beginning, understanding each other's behaviours is difficult, which led to conflict. And the distance made it worse.
Unequal communication styles are a major reason for misunderstandings. When left unresolved, these issues may get more complex leading to fatigue and the dreaded B-word. What can you do in such cases?
I say, step back. Take some time to relax and then talk again, nd always listen rather than reply. Because as good as it feels to win, it’s you and your partner against the problem, not each other.
Also, please don’t have a routine. Over time, I have noticed that it becomes a task, and you might only talk to check up, killing the intimacy. Instead, just talk when you feel like it and mix up communication methods. I always surprised my partner with a video call and that made him so happy. Though, it is still important to have their routine in mind.
The key here is to have natural and unforced conversations. You can watch movies and play games together to keep things interesting. Also, phone sex is always an option.
Now, I’m not saying that long distance is easy, but is any relationship easy? To grow, we need to put in effort and time. And it does get boring and exhausting. All kinds of couples have problems and to thrive they need to solve them.
So, next time your LDR feels difficult, find the problem before concluding. Mix it up a little and have movie dates, spicy nights, and meetup plans. The bottom line is that you can be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart.