Meet Celebs Go Dating sexpert Dr Tara
Soon to return for a new season of Celebs Go Dating, Kiran Duggal catches up with dating and relationships guru Dr Tara on her own dating struggles and tips for Gen Z.
After the viral season of Celebs Go Dating, featuring Love Island alumni Adam Collard and Chloe Burrows, last year Dr Tara has become a household figure. But who is the person behind the matchmaking, and why does her opinion matter?
Exploring her sexuality
Dr Tara, 35, originally hails from Thailand but relocated in her youth to Finland and the United States. She remembers always having an interest in sex, but didn’t know how to talk about it.
“Looking back, I have been sexually curious since I was a teenager, but at that time, I didn’t have the language, the empowerment, or any kind of understanding of how to develop this curiosity into something healthy,” she explains.
She attributes this to her lack of sex education growing up. “The lack of sex education really disempowered young people to understand their own sexuality and have the language to talk about it.”
This meant figuring out her sexuality took some experimenting during her teenage years. It was during her time at an all-girls Catholic school that she had her sexual debut with a girl, leading her to believe she was a lesbian. That was until she went to a co-ed high school in Finland, where she realised men also gave her butterflies.
Inspired by the lack of resources available in her youth, Dr Tara went on to specialise in interracial relationships in higher education, even going as far as to earn a PhD and started work as a professor at Cal State University.
Personal challenges: marriage and divorce
It wasn’t all joy – while her career was flourishing, her personal life was crumbling. “I matched with someone on Tinder and I got married to him within six months,” she remarks. “Wow, yeah, that was a mistake.”
What pushed her to rush into marriage? Traditionality. We all know the stereotypical idea of success: have a partner, get married, buy a house, get a golden retriever, and have a child. “I was in my 20s,” she explains. “I didn’t want to turn 30 and not be married. Thank God Gen Z has less of that traditionality. But back then, it was me trying to fit in.”
She became a walking, talking contradiction. “I’m teaching sexual satisfaction strategies for relationships, and ‘Here’s how to have the best life’, and yet I’m here on the brink of a divorce,” she remembers.
While going through a divorce is many people's worst nightmare, she says she wouldn’t change her experience because it pushed her to become the woman she is today.
Social media rise and relationship success
After starting her own private practice in Los Angeles, she began promoting herself on social media. “My TikTok blew up in two years. Within the first year I think I had gotten almost a million followers, and within another six months it got to two million,” she says. “It’s died down a little bit because of a shadow ban… the internet does not like female pleasure.”
With a career blossoming as a social media sensation, Dr Tara met her current husband. She gushes as she explains how they both are huge fans of personal development and a “growth mindset”, which allowed them to work on themselves whilst building with each other.
“The internet does not like female pleasure”
“We have similar mindsets on relationships, so we’re in a monogam-ish relationship, which is 99% monogamous but 1% open to sexual experimentation,” she explains. “That 1% can look like anything, from going to a sex party once in a while, to maybe having a safe and fun threesome, or going to legal sex work like a masseuse in Amsterdam.”
Though this lifestyle may not work for some, for Dr Tara it’s allowed her to explore her desires while still having the commitment she craves. “I felt so trapped in a traditional monogamous relationship, like ‘Oh my God, I’m with this person for forty years and I’m not allowed to have sex with anyone else?’,” she laughs.
“Now with my husband, we are so open minded and loving towards each other. This is my soulmate.”
Dating and relationship tips for Gen Z
Having found her person, we asked Dr Tara to share her top tips for dating and relationships with Sextras.
What’s your advice for people in interracial relationships?
1. Just because someone does something differently doesn't mean it's wrong or incorrect. It's correct in their own way, and you are correct in your own way. Now you have to figure out how you can come together.
2. Compromise. You always have to find creative solutions. It's like people who are celebrating Hanukkah and Christmas. How do you come together and find a happy medium?
3. Over communicate. Don't assume anything. Assumptions are one of the killers of relationships. When people assume a lot, that's when they create unnecessary misunderstandings and ultimately break up and divorce.
Don't assume anything. Over communicate you're feeling something, let's say guilty, resentful, curious, unsure, taken aback, whatever you're feeling you need to communicate that feeling to them and then ask them: “Why? What’s happening? What's going on? Why are you doing this?”.
4. Have a compassionate dialogue. You can't judge other people based on their thousands of years of tradition. Maybe they eat using their hands and you're like: “Oh, that's like an animal. Use a knife and a fork.” But that culture has eaten using hands for thousands of years; it's not wrong or gross.
“Build a garden and the butterflies will come – you want to be a beautiful garden”
What relationship advice do you have for Gen Z?
1. Don't rush getting married. There’s definitely no need because divorce is very expensive and sometimes you can't find your spouse to sign papers because they disappear.
You gotta make sure you really think about it before you get married. You can totally have a social wedding, but to legally get married it involves government intervention. It helps give people rights, but it's also not for some people.
2. Don’t feel like you need to be stuck with one sexuality and relationship type forever. Sexuality can change, or you can realise later on in life. Being open to things that are more authentic and feels right for you is very important so you are not living a lie.
I have helped so many clients that find it really hard to accept any kind of hetero flexibility. Maybe you're not gay, maybe you're not bi, maybe you're hetero flexible. It depends on the context. Be accepting to just change and don't feel like you need to stick with one label forever; the same with relationship type. Just be open to different things.
3. If you are truly set about having children, freeze your eggs in your mid-twenties. I've never shared this before, but I'm having difficulty with fertility. I'm 35, and what I wish I had done when I was 25 was save my eggs.
When I was young I never thought about it. I took Plan B like, “No, I don't want to get pregnant”. Fertility can become a challenge in your marriage or relationship in the future if you don't take care of it now. This is not just about reproductive situations. This is about relationships.
Listen: A Guide To Using Dating Apps
4. Don’t drain yourself online. Meet people in person as well. Spend time with friends, and maybe have friends introduce you to someone. I’m seeing a lot more Gen Zs in America asking to be introduced to someone. Try having different life experiences outside of the screen. Spending a lot of time in real life and interacting with people is so valuable.
What advice do you have for someone in a situationship, and how do you stop attracting them?
Self-reflect. Take an audit of your situationship. Does it come from an empowering place, or does it come from a people pleasing place? If it comes from an empowering place, then you should feel like you know what you are.
But realistically one person falls in love, catches feelings, and then gets hurt, and the other person didn’t know that it was going somewhere. Are you staying because you want to change them?
When you start people pleasing like that, it’s time to pull yourself away from that relationship and start working on personal development. Read books and spend time with platonic friendships.
Have you heard of the phrase build a garden and the butterflies will come? You want to be a garden, you don’t want to be a net and try to trap a butterfly so it has to be with you. You want to be a beautiful garden and have so much to offer and be interesting, passionate, and these people will come so you don’t need the situationship. Build the garden.
What are Gen Z’s pitfalls when it comes to sex and relationships?
Dr Tara is the host of Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast
Social media comparison is huge. It's really hard in terms of mental health and wellness. You're seeing pictures of other people and their partners and it's so perfect, and then have this subconscious social comparison. It really fucks with your mental health.
Try to become more aware when you catch yourself comparing and readjust your perspective. How do I gain happiness again and grow my garden?
With dating inevitably comes heartbreak. What are your tips for dealing with rejection?
1. Exercise is the first thing I’d recommend. You want to move your body because when you exercise, you release healthy endorphins. You release happy hormones. Exercise is the natural antidepressant.
2. Positive affirmations. After a rejection, your self-esteem is low. A lot of people tend to blame themselves and think they’re not worthy. Saying positive affirmations about yourself is super important. I am a worthy lover. I am an amazing partner. I am a powerful woman. The sexual confidence you can gain from positive affirmations is actually evidenced by research.
3. Surround yourself with supportive friends. When you’re rejected, you feel alone. It’s important to remind yourself that you’re not. Friends are way more important than a romantic relationship.
What's next on Celebs Go Dating
Catch Dr Tara on the 13th season of Celebs Go Dating, which returns in August 2024.
Dr Tara shares some exclusives with Sextras. Last season ex-Love Island star Chris Taylor is known as adorable and a joker, however this season sees him try to become more mature in his dating life.
Meanwhile Corrie star Helen Flanagan might surprise viewers as we see a more sweet and genuine side. “Her journey is going to be interesting”, says Dr Tara. “There’s a lot of big growth in this series.”