I’m still in love with my ex after two years. Help!
For the first instalment of Answer Phone – Sextras’ advice column – editor Honey Wyatt attempts to help a reader decide whether they should get back in touch with their ex and re-spark an old flame.
Dear reader,
For many of us, exes are a touchy subject (try name-dropping yours to a friend if you’re not convinced). Unfortunately, the taboo attached to the age-old question as to whether you should get back together with yours doesn’t negate that feelings often linger past our prescribed relationship end-date.
In your case, the feelings seem to be clinging on; refusing to be shaken off. Had I loved someone for two years after a breakup, it would have taken me a world of self-control to not get back in touch with them, so I can do nothing but bow to your efforts of restraint.
Though I’ve never been in this situation, from where I’m standing there are really only two options: move on; or contact them and tell them how you feel. You’re not guaranteed to get the answer that you want, so before putting yourself in a vulnerable and potentially disappointing position, think through whether that is really the best course of action for you.
If you’re anywhere near as much of an overthinker as me, you’re used to breaking down decisions like these into as many stages as can possibly be fabricated. I’ve often found there’s not much a good old-fashioned English essay-style approach can’t solve (we didn’t go to school for nothing, you’ll be pleased to know), so here I offer you my tried and tested who-what-where-when-why approach to reaching your solution.
“Once you understand a bit about the root of your feelings, you can look back at the relationship, and breakup, with more perspective”
Why?
Before making any rash decisions it’s important to understand why you’re feeling the way you are. Reflect on the situation at hand: in the post-breakup haze, it can be easy to forget why you made the decision to part ways in the first place. But don’t let time detract from the reason you and your ex broke up– remind yourself what that reason was, and if it still stands true.
Maybe you’re just different people who chose to divert on their paths in life, or a niggling feeling that you weren’t the right person for one another. Or perhaps it was something more drastic, like a big move, a betrayal, or them realising they’re gay.
Either way, ask yourself why your feelings are lingering – is it because you have unfinished business with the person? Being broken up with is often viewed as the short end of the stick because you really have no control over the situation (though sometimes this is really a blessing in disguise – take it from a seasoned breaker-upper). If not having control is something you’re not used to you could be replaying the past to regain a sense of agency. Or, is it because you haven’t had anyone better come along since your breakup?
Once you understand a bit about the root of your feelings, whether it’s loneliness, lack of control, or really because you’re missing them, you can look back at the relationship, and breakup, with more perspective.
When
Speaking of your breakup, what did your life look like when that happened compared to how it looks now? A lot can change in two years, and while that person might have been right for you at a certain point in time, would they still fit into your life now? You might have a different job, different friends; you’ve likely grown and evolved since.
Consider how letting someone from your past back into your life would look. Did they act in a way that your friends would shake their heads at? From my own experience trying to get back together with an ex, I have a rule that if three people in your life disapprove of someone or something, they’re probably right. Would you be regressing by getting back together with them?
“I have a rule that if three people in your life disapprove of someone or something, they’re probably right”
What?
Now it’s time to look at what you were like in a relationship with them. Different people can bring out different sides of us, maybe there’s a side of you that came out with them that you’re missing. Or you felt comfortable with them – either in a way that helped you excel in other areas of your life, or in a way that allowed you to sink into them like a hard-to-get-up-from mattress.
Here’s where the opinion of your friends can really come in handy. Crowdsource how you acted when you were with them; if you were a better or worse friend, more outgoing or more of a hermit. The truth might not be what you want to hear, especially if you’ve been simmering on the utopia of getting back together with this person for a while, but honesty is the best policy before getting back in contact with your ex.
Who?
When looking at the kind of person you were with them, it’s also handy to look at who you’ve dated before and since. I hate to break it to you, but having only dated grimy little dirtbags since your breakup is not good enough grounds to resume contact with someone. Obviously, someone you’ve been in love with is going to look good in comparison to anyone you’ve been on one or two dates with; the current dating game is frustrating and, mostly, a disappointment (unless you’re lucky).
Look at what you’ve learnt from each of your exes, or crushes, or situationships and who you were (ie. how you acted and felt about yourself) with each of them; then turn to if that was really any better with said ex.
Where?
Finally, if you’ve decided that you do ultimately want to come clean about your feelings, ask yourself where you see this going. Is this person someone you want to date long-term? From what you know of their life now, will they receive your confession well? Will it be easy to integrate your lives and forgive past grievances, or have neither of you moved on enough for old arguments and habits to be stopped from creeping back in?
If you’re just looking for one more night of good sex I would say all of this analysis has been pretty worthless, and the side-effects are probably not worth your time. If you really see a future together, and you don’t envisage being able to move past these feelings without giving it one last shot, that’s something you need to honour.
Should you make the leap to confess, it’s important to not get your hopes up. Remember, you’ve had two years to mull over your feelings; you never know whether they’ve done the same, but I would say if you’ve had no indication that they have, then they might have simply moved on with their life. Prepare yourself for that.
On the off-chance they are open to trying again, beware of slipping into old patterns. Two years can lead people down completely separate paths. But then again, they might find each other to intertwine ever yet.
Whatever you choose, I already know it will be the best choice for you. I wish you all the best!
Love, Honey x