How soon after a breakup is it okay for me to start dating again?

After a breakup, everyone around you forms an opinion on the situation – who broke whose heart? Will you get back together? And who they will stay friends with. But only you know how you really feel, and where to go from there. Lucy Sarret advises how long after a breakup you should date again (according to what’s right for you).

Dear reader, 

People are quick to judge when you move on too fast for their liking, when really it’s none of their business. You shouldn’t mould your behaviour to their expectations. 

The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to when it is okay to move on after a breakup. While it might seem rather frustrating that you can’t just follow guidelines and speed up the healing process, it’s actually the perfect opportunity to reflect and reassess what you need now that you’ve ended a meaningful relationship with someone (who probably knew you better than most).

Casually dating after a breakup doesn’t mean you are over your past relationship and have forgotten the past, however long you spent with this person. It means the relationship is over, and you are trying to move on by putting yourself back out there. 

I’ll be the first to admit, I downloaded Hinge the day after my last breakup and went on a date that same week. I didn’t meet the love of my life, but it was refreshing to dip my toe back into the dating pool and realise that, despite losing someone I cared about very deeply,  there are plenty more fish in the sea. 

Some of us may prefer to heal by crying in bed to a carefully curated playlist and endless late night convos with your best friend or your therapist. I’m a firm believer in combining both methods; you can be grieving the person you were with – and you will always have days where the reality that it’s over will be harder to face than others – while also giving a chance to that cute bartender who asks for your number. 

The main question to ask yourself is: how do you feel after breaking up with this person? Obviously you may be grieving a loss, or (if you’re anything like me) experiencing frustration and anger. You might even feel relieved. Maybe it’s everything all at once.

But put that aside and think: how do you feel about the idea of getting back out there? Does going on a date seem daunting, or exciting? Do you have someone in the back of your mind that you are secretly hoping to connect with now that you are able to? 

If you were the dumper, you may have already grieved this person while you were still with them and now are ready to get back out there. If you’re the dumpee, maybe you just need to clear your head. 

If you’re asking yourself the question, I would venture to say it seems like you want to go out and date, but you’re scared of outside judgement. And really, who can blame you? Dating is meant to be fun, not stressful. Meeting new and interesting people and feeling pretty and desired can be a welcome distraction from the emotional load of a breakup, but it’s easy to feel guilty about having fun while someone else has a broken heart. 

You’ve just exited a serious, monogamous situation; it’s your time to try out things you maybe couldn’t before, go out with your friends, say yes to spontaneous plans. Think of your breakup as an opportunity to reconnect with your own identity. When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to lose yourself in someone else, but now is your time to be selfish. If you feel like it, kiss that stranger from the bar, reply to that DM you felt guilty about, spend the whole day in bed crying. Whatever you feel you need in the moment, as long as you’re respecting boundaries and staying safe, will help make you feel better. 

As long as you are enjoying the process, there is no specific timeline you should follow. It’s up to your own self-reflection and what you feel you need in that moment. At the same time, be cautious of two things. 

The first one concerns your ex. While I don’t know the details of your breakup, if they are still connected to your life in some way (through mutual friends for example) I would advise you to be discreet and not advertise the fact that you are out, seemingly having the time of your life. This is someone you probably loved, so it’s  pointlessly cruel for them to hear about your newfound dating freedom.

Talk about it with people you know would never let it get back to them, don’t bring a date to a hangout if you know they’ll be there, just be a nice person and hope that they would do the same with you. That is, of course, unless they’re a terrible person who deserves to suffer and be tortured with the information that you seem much happier without them. 

I can’t condone stooping down to those levels of pettiness, but will not blame you if you do. I’ve been guilty of this before, and I won’t lie, it does feel good to rub someone’s face in your happiness, but in the long run you’ll never regret taking the higher road. 

The second thing is your own feelings – as well as the feelings of others. A big breakup can leave you emotionally vulnerable; it’s important to be single and truly heal before getting back into a relationship. 

It’s very easy, post-breakup, to meet someone who seems like the answer to your prayers and gets swept away into a full-blown monogamous connection. And while this has worked for some of my friends, I would urge you to consider if you truly like them, or simply the idea of them. 

You’ve just gone through a breakup, it’s completely normal to feel lonely and want to fill that void with someone else. But if, deep down, that’s all this new person is – a placeholder for someone you are still grieving – it’s unfair for them and unhealthy for you. Be honest with the people you date; if they ask, you don’t have to give them specific details, but if you are just enjoying your newfound freedom, don’t lead them on and make them think they are next in line. 

I make a clear distinction between casually dating and dating to find someone; post-breakup, I would advise you to do the first. You might end up meeting someone you actually like quite seriously but, if it’s the real thing, don’t rush into it before you’re ready. Things have a way of working out when the person is right for you, and it will feel so much more special if you take the time to date and get to know each other, while also healing from your past. 

Maybe, through the dating process, you’ll find yourself realising that the breakup doesn’t sting as much. Maybe it was for the best, and maybe, like me, you’ll realise it’s actually nice to be alone for a bit. And right when you’re finally happy with that, you might meet someone who makes all this emotional turmoil worth it. 

Whatever you decide, I hope you go forth and use this time as an opportunity to reconnect with your own needs and not what other people expect of you after a breakup. Their opinion doesn’t matter nearly as much as your own. 

Good luck! 

Love, 

Lucy x