Help! My best friend is engaged and I don’t know how to feel
What happens when your 24-year-old best friend is getting married, and you don’t feel happy for her at all? Dani Clarke advises in this instalment of answer phone, Sextras’ advice column
My best friend got engaged last week. She’s been with her now-fiancé (!!!) for three years. I know that marriage and starting a family are really important to her. But I’m also like…wtf??? I’m single, and we’re both 24, so I always assumed marriage wasn’t on the cards for either of us for a while. I can’t help but feel surprised, and a bit jealous that she’s already at this stage and has it all together. I’m also worried that she’s rushing into this too soon. Why not just wait a bit longer, spend more time getting to know your partner, and make the most of being hot and carefree? Do you think it’s worth expressing any of these concerns to my friend? Or shall I keep it under lock and key to make sure I don’t burst her bubble?
Dear reader,
Is it just me, or is everyone getting engaged? I’ve seen a barrage of announcements on Instagram in the past few weeks (Carly Rae Jepsen, the influencers Eli Rallo and Kate Davidson, and a girl from school I haven’t spoken to in six years… since you asked!) Plus, in a very on-brand move, Lana Del Rey got hitched to an alligator-tour guide she met five minutes ago,
Why the proposal surge? I have to put it down to now being a good time to get engaged – the post-Brat-summer clarity, the autumnal photo ops, the arrival of cuffing season – as well as the cruel, unstoppable passage of time. For those of us pushing into our mid-to-late twenties, we’re going to start seeing a lot of friends, and friends of friends, pop up on our feeds with sizable rocks to shout about. So, on the one (unadorned) hand, I completely recognise your bewilderment, but on the other, this is a sign we need to adapt, overcome, and get used to it.
Let me just say: it’s normal to feel weird when your best friend gets engaged. For a long time, that was your person. Suddenly she’s someone else’s person? And a random man’s at that? As you alluded to, you’re going to feel stressed, jealous, scared of losing her, and suddenly confused as to when it will be your turn.
Try to work out whether the fear and envy you are experiencing are feelings you can work through privately, or whether you need to open up a discussion with your friend. Either way, I think it’s important to remind yourself: this is not about you. Your job right now is supporting her, ie, sending her pics of wedding dresses you found on Pinterest with the caption: “OMG you would look unreal in this!!!”
By first acknowledging your feelings, you can begin prioritising her happiness. Because if you don’t – here’s that hard pill you knew was coming – you might end up losing her. When she looks back at this period of her life, you do not want her to remember you having a meltdown, or pulling her aside for deep chats about how you feel.
“In our current era, much is made of the search for independence, which lends itself to the idea of staying single and ‘working on yourself’”
Now that pill has gone down, I have to agree that 24 is young (what is she? A child bride?) And yet, relationships are the responsibility of the consenting adults involved, so it’s impossible for me – or you – to judge if this is right for her. If your main qualm is that she’s too young by your standards, or that you’re worried about being left behind, I don’t think it’s right to voice these opinions as though they are valid points. You mentioned she should take advantage of being “hot and carefree”. What makes you think she won’t be those things after she ties the knot? Don’t let fear of ageing stamp an expiration date on life’s pleasures.
In our current era, much is made of the search for independence – including financial freedom, self-optimisation, career progression, emotional detachment – which lends itself to the idea of staying single and “working on yourself”. On GymTok, and in plenty of Instagram wellness content, it’s common to see content advising young people to “disappear and come back unrecognisable”. The message is clear: appearance enhancement, and the #grind, take precedence over dating. It’s better to be sexy and alone than fat and in a relationship, right?
With Gen Z’s shift towards eschewing traditional relationship structures, and with everyone in very different phases of life in their twenties and thirties than previous generations, it’s easy to get lulled into the feeling of “no one has this figured out! Let’s stay this young forever!”. Realistically, a lot of people care about getting married and starting a family, and their timelines are probably different to yours and mine. And that’s okay! Remember that not everyone has to be on the same path as you, or moving at the same pace.
Photo by Andre Jackson on Unsplash
If you’ve thought about all this, and the age factor is still bothering you, I’d suggest waiting for your friend to bring it up herself, or for a moment when you’re both relaxed to broach the topic gently. Make sure you are listening and doing your best to understand her perspective, rather than barreling ahead with yours. As long as she’s not hurting anyone, or herself, I think you need to trust your friend’s judgement and respect that she is capable of making her own decisions – otherwise you run the risk of infantilising her. Make it clear you’ll be by her side, regardless of the choices she makes, or what happens in her future.
And if you’re not sure what else to do: buy her a comically large bouquet of flowers; let her know you’re available to help with wedding-planning tasks; and invite her round to drink prosecco and gab about how sensational her future-spouse is. Don’t be surprised if she’s harder to get hold of than usual. This is a pivotal moment, so make sure to spoil her, prioritise her and be open minded about her life choices. Hopefully – if and when you choose to get married – you can count on her to do the same.
Happy celebrating!
Dani x