Your hormones impact how you feel about your partner – here’s how
Some days you love your partner, some days you hate them. But how much do women’s fluctuating hormones impact their feelings towards their partners throughout the month? Alice Wade finds out.
Credit: Connor James, Unspash
Last week, my boyfriend was really annoying me. And I don’t mean in some minor irritating way, I mean the sound of him simply respiring was sending me to the nethers of my sanity. Every question he asked was stupid and everytime he didn’t do what I wanted him to do (I don’t get the problem, I’d asked him in my head?) he was a thoughtless monster.
At the end of the weekend, I was left deflated and confused, unsure as to what had made me so irritable. For a total of about 48 hours, I even questioned whether I ought to think about the viability of our future.
A few days later, my period arrived. Ahhh – “Well that makes sense”, he said. Naturally, this left me equally incensed; but the thoughtless monster did have a point. After the wave had broken and my period arrived, it felt like going from writhing in a bed of nettles to being delicately lowered into a jacuzzi. The rage petered out and I remembered all the reasons I definitely do love him.
Many of us are familiar with PMS (premenstrual syndrome) and an estimated three out of four women will experience it at some stage in their lives. It can be deeply affecting in many parts of an individual's life, and especially disconcerting when it leaves you questioning the very fabric of your relationships, especially if just a week before, you have felt nothing but love and affection for them.
According to Rhiannon John, a sexologist at Bedbible, it is because of hormonal changes across the month that we can find ourselves behaving differently in our relationships. “For instance, during menstruation, physical discomfort and mood swings might make a person more sensitive or irritable, influencing their interactions with their partner,” she says.
“This is often why people report symptoms of PMS right after they’ve ovulated, when no baby has been made and your hormones plummet.”
Carrie E. Levine, a certified nurse midwife explains that this is because hormonal fluctuations are basically designed to encourage reproduction. “There are hormonal triggers made around ovulation that make us feel like we want to be intimate with our partners. When we are menstruating, those hormone levels shift and change, and we are less interested in being with our partners.”
This is often why people report symptoms of PMS right after they’ve ovulated, when no baby has been made and your hormones plummet. It can leave you feeling grouchy, irritable and even less attracted to your partner.
For some women, these symptoms can be extreme. PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric syndrome) is a hormone based condition that affects 3-9% of people who menstruate. It can cause extremely heightened symptoms of PMS that can leave individuals feeling a whole host of physical and emotional symptoms around two weeks before their period.
It can be so bad that people are completely resigned from normal life, unable to function with debilitating anxiety, irritability, and stress.
Research on heterosexual couples reveals that the women with PMDD were less satisfied in their relationships after ovulation. The International Association for Premenstrual Disorders also reports that 98% of PMDD patients say their condition puts a significant strain on their intimate partner relationships while almost 57% believe they have lost a partner because of it.
For people with PMDD, their relationship can undergo a complete transformation in the second week of their cycle.
“While it is important to explore the impact of our hormones on our relationships, it can be difficult to avoid leaning into the historic narratives around women being uncontrollable and illogical.”
Several articles by women who suffer with PMDD describe feeling so distressed by their symptoms that they have considered divorcing their spouse. “Some women will say ‘I don’t even recognise myself. It’s like somebody flicked a switch. I’m like a different person I can’t stand anybody’,” says Levine.
And it’s not just post-ovulation that hormones can make us feel differently towards our partners. One study found that women who choose a ‘less attractive’, safer male are less likely to feel close to their partner – and therefore find him more responsible for doing something wrong – when they are fertile, compared to women who choose the ‘sexier’ male.
It also found that the women who selected less attractive men were likely to feel less close to them during ovulation compared to low fertility periods, while the opposite is true for those with more attractive men.
Other studies show women in long term heterosexual relationships actually report feeling more negatively towards their partner during ovulation. Researchers suggest that this comes from an evolutionary desire to seek out new mates, who might be genetically more desirable.
At the end of the day, nothing is linear and no two people will feel the same. How you feel towards your partner can be affected by your hormones in a plethora of waves that can make distinguishing your true feelings feel impossible.
While it is important to explore the impact of our hormones on our relationships, it can be difficult to avoid leaning into the historic narratives around women being uncontrollable and illogical.
It probably doesn’t help that men have little to no space to imagine the hormonal fluctuations of people with uteruses. Unlike women, whose hormonal changes span 28 days, men have just a 24-hour hormonal turnover.
It's for this reason that the standard nine to five working day actually compliments the male hormonal cycle with the peak testosterone making them awake and energised first thing in the morning and the evening dip sending them into a restful sleep at night.
For women, things aren’t so simple. By looking at the hormonal changes across the month, we can predict how we might feel and set ourselves up for fluctuations in how we feel towards our partners.
Here’s a look at the hormonal changes across the cycle, and how they can impact our romantic relationships.
The follicular phase
Week 1
Week 1 is everyone’s favourite – your period! Oestrogen drops, which can leave you feeling sensitive, more irritable, and therefore less tolerant when your partner forgets to make the bed or put the toilet seat down. The plunge might also have you sleepier and more achy. We all know the deal here – generally you feel more morose and less patient.
But as John points out, not everyone will feel the same. While some of us spend the first week of our cycle wrapped in blankets, craving carbs, and feeling sorry for ourselves, others seem to surf the wave seamlessly and might desire their partner more than ever.
“Some people love to have sex during their period as they naturally have more sexual desire and arousal during this time, while for others, sex may be the furthest thing from their minds,” she says.
Ovulation
Week 2
Ovulation happens around day 14, and this is usually when you’re feeling your most dirty, flirty and fun. Oestrogen starts to increase, which will leave you looking and feeling sexier – literally, your face looks more symmetrical so you appear more attractive. You also have more energy, confidence and spatial awareness, so generally everything’s just better.
And not only do you look sexier, but because testosterone is at its peak, you feel hornier, meaning you will likely crave intimacy and sex from your partner (your body is desperate to get you pregnant at this time). The rise in testosterone might also make you feel more adventurous and daring, so it’s a good time to try something new, perhaps a spontaneous skydiving date or a trip to Venezuela.
Though, beware, the increase in levels of testerone will have you feeling senselessly horny and less logical in your choice of sleeping arrangements. If you’re longing for your ex in this period, know that it’s your body and not your mind that wants a babe.
Where oestrogen flows, oxytocin follows. Because this is a bonding hormone, you will probably also feel more cuddly and desiring of your partner's affection, especially because it’s in these first two weeks that you will find them the most attractive.
The luteal phase
Week 3:
Generally this is the less inspiring part of your cycle. After ovulation, oestrogen drops and progesterone rises making you sleepier, more irritable, and more emotional.
Though your libido is dropping, the emotional part of you will probably crave cuddles and affection at this point. This is when you’ll be gooey-eyed and looking for the warm embrace of your partner.
That being said, if something has been bugging you or you’ve remembered the toilet seat incident from week 1, this is also when you’re most likely to feel doubts about your partner. “Individuals may face challenges in maintaining the same level of attraction toward their partner,” explains John.
Usually doubts about partners are swept under the rug when we return to the follicular phase, but the rise in progesterone after ovulation can make us question our relationships when we are feeling less attracted to our partners, and more easily annoyed.
“The hormonal fluctuations, especially in progesterone levels, can contribute to variations in mood and sexual interest, affecting the overall dynamic of romantic relationships,” John explains.
Week 4
Beware. Oestrogen plunges in this period while progesterone stays stable. This hormonal cocktail leaves you angry, hungry, and searching for serotonin in food so don’t be surprised if you find yourself starving for anything but your partner.
Not only is this when you’ll be hungriest but this is when most people who experience PMS will start to have symptoms. Because fertilisation has not occurred, cravings for intimacy drop, and this is further compounded for people who suffer with PMDD. So in between being irritable and not wanting to share the cosy cuddles you had in week 2, this part of your cycle will likely be the most relationship-testing.
And then after all that rage, bloat, and sweet treat craving, look out! Here comes the crimson wave ready for us to start all over again.
Managing symptoms
Experiencing changes in how you feel towards your partner can be unsettling, especially if the feelings seem unwarranted or out of your control. It’s important to try to discern whether these feelings really are just the product of pesky hormonal fluxes or a sign of something deeper – either a symptom of PMDD, or a reflection of something not quite right in your relationship.
1. As ever, communication is paramount. John says: “Let them know how you feel during certain times in your cycle and how they can best support you during this time. Sharing feelings and concerns fosters mutual understanding and support.”
Levine explains that It’s normal to feel some varying levels of attraction to your partner. “If an individual experiences particularly bad PMS that makes them irritable and unaffectionate, the first step is to acknowledge that there is normalcy to sexual attraction and having some fluctuations over the course of a month.” Few relationships will be exceptionally great all of the time and it’s normal that your attraction can ebb and flow.
2. While looking after your relationship, don’t forget yourself. After all, it’s you that is experiencing the feeling, whether good or bad, and it’s important to check in with yourself.
“Practices like meditation and mindfulness can be especially helpful when you're feeling irritable. Other self-care habits, such as getting enough rest, eating healthily, and exercising regularly can positively affect your mood throughout the entire cycle. During your period, consider indulging in long baths or using a heat pack for some soothing relief,” John advises.
If your symptoms are overwhelming, it may be worth checking in with a healthcare provider to see if something bigger is at play. You might have a hormone imbalance which can sometimes be treated through simple lifestyle modifications or through hormonal treatment.
Treating your symptoms will not only give you more stability in your relationship but in your life more broadly, which will help you make logical decisions about the progression of your relationship. Maybe they’re annoying because you’re PMSing or maybe they’re annoying because they’re just a dick…