The last time…I cried
For the second instalment of The Last Time, Honey Wyatt talks to a 24-year-old man about what makes him cry
If our most recent podcast miniseries has taught us anything, it’s that there are a strict set of rules men feel they have to adhere to when it comes to expressing their masculinity. In a recent episode, Ben Hurst explains that from a young age, boys learn masculinity comes with being a provider or being strong. Often, this means learning that they shouldn’t cry – or really ever talk about their feelings – because it’s simply not done.
In an attempt to challenge traditional perceptions of masculinity, we tried to find examples of men who cry and open up about their feelings. But the lack of those willing to share when they last cried was seriously concerning, and the number of people claiming they’ve never seen the men in their lives (boyfriends, we’re looking at you) cry – even more. But we found one 24-year-old who was open to sharing; we hear from him about his relationship to crying.
Hi there – thanks for being one of the few men willing to talk about your crying habits! Do you mind if I ask about the last time you cried?
Sure! It was two days ago. I cry quite a lot compared to most people — in the evenings over Tiktoks and in the morning while cycling to work (The Moth Podcasts tear me apart).
[He shows a Reddit thread of someone tucking a teddy bear into bed].
What kind of thing usually makes you cry?
I tend to find happy-sad things will cause it’s more than sad, so someone who really loves their partner, child, parent or pet!
That makes sense, what about in your own life?
I have found as I’ve gotten older I have stopped being able to cry about real things that affect me. When it’s problems in my life, I feel a distanced sense of numbness rather than sadness, and if I do start to well up I feel a sense of guilt, shame or stupidity that the problem is my fault or that crying doesn’t fix it.
Okay, okay, gaslighting yourself that your personal problems aren’t important – I’m sure we can all relate to that. When was the last time you cried about something in your personal life?
I started to cry when my second [pet] rat passed away. Her final days weren’t nice; I had to work from a hotel, so her days were spent in a small box in a cupboard so she wouldn’t be found. I stopped crying almost immediately because I just felt ashamed that she had to be alone and stuffed away like that. That was last October. Before that was (I think last April?) while talking to a friend about family and failures to live up to how fast everyone ages. That was short and alcohol-aided.
Does not crying ever impact your relationships?
When I’ve had a bad argument or I’m going through a breakup, and I’m on my own after, I do cry easily. But in the moment, since there is an expectation to cry it stops me. My partners have said things like “aren’t you sad?” or “you don’t even care” but all that does is push me further from sadness into numbness. It’s a sort of emotional ED, where the more pressure I feel, the harder it is to cry.
That makes total sense. What about when other people cry, how does that make you feel?
When others cry it can often be difficult, it’s really hard not to give or think of solutions because it feels right, but I know that if it was me I wouldn’t want fixes, just a supported release. A bigger struggle for me is physical touch, and I worry that if I hold or hug a crying friend they will feel how tense and uncomfortable I am.
It sounds like you want to cry, is that true?
I do wish I could cry about personal things. I think it’s an emotion that builds up and needs release. Hopefully the TikToks help to slowly peter it out but it’s certainly not a full release. I have always thought it’s a strong thing to do, especially with other people. It gives a cut off. Similar to throwing up when hungover, it’s not a positive but it needs to happen.