Falling In Love

H: hello and welcome back to Sextras

M: where we talk about sex and all the extras

H: I'm honey and when I was a baby David Attenborough held me and he made me stop crying

M: that's incredible

H: it is, it's quite a good fact, I'm like my life is just basically a nature documentary

M: I'm Maria and I don't really like chocolate

H: You're so boring

M: I know, I'm sorry

H: anyway, welcome back, this week we are going to be talking about falling in love

M: indeed we are, the crazy crazy thing of falling in love

H: everyone will probably go through this at some point in their lives however we have noticed particularly in young people being in love is like this crazy crazy thing

M: yeah it's like it's just a crazy overload of emotions I think and it's also so like exaggerated at least we saw it in our relationship and like in some of the relationships our friends had when they were younger like it just it's a bit crazy you just get a bit intense really

H: I feel like it's such a stereotype that teenagers have this like impulse that everything they do is just exaggerated which come on like we have to be just truthful and kind of admit that that is true like in hindsight some of the stuff that we both have done is like just a bit out of control well yeah but you also have to consider that at that age everything feels so heightened like everything is the end of the world basically and it's falling in love and be in like your first relationship is no exception, I'd actually say it's ten times worse

M: uh yeah I would agree, at least it was for me me too, but I think we're we're here to bring a bit of rationality to this topic and to put it in perspective for people who are maybe going through falling in love right now or you feel like your hormones are like out of control and let me just tell you same they probably are darling yeah you probably are and that's not your fault we're gonna do a segment sort of just bringing to life like the crazy things people do for love the the crazy like movie-esque grand gestures that we're kind of talking about right now and then uh just just bring some light to it because at the end of the day like in hindsight you do look back and you might be like wow that was that was a bit extreme what I did there but it's just kind of funny everyone does it you just gotta like look at yourself accept it move on

H: yes,see it say it sorted

M: okay are we gonna have to copyright tfl for that yeah and not copyright what does it go like are we gonna have to pay them for the copyright they have that copyrighted no yeah surely no sort it

M: Okay anyway, I mean okay moving on into the segment we're gonna be talking about how far is too far yes it is a game don't take it too seriously we're basically just gonna go through the stuff you guys sent in like the the question was basically what is the wildest thing you've done for love or someone has done for you and we are going to play how far is too far oh my god yes totally so you go first baby girl

H: Okay so first one a guy followed me to madrid and then to barcelona we're so international

M: yeah wow that's quite an international crazy story really, but the question is how far is too far is it is it too far?

H: well madrid is a long way away I would say that's too far

M: well I mean it's obviously relative on where you are in the world but I'm guessing this girl must have been already in Spain

H: I hope so- okay I have to say is we are not endorsing stalking in any way and I think maybe we need a little bit more context for this one because

you know okay this is the thing you guys send us your stories but they're just wildly out of context, so out of context I'm gonna say this is actually insane but if the guy has like already made a move at you and like you've shown your interest in him well it's kind of fine

M: I feel like it's not that weird, I mean I’m not endorsing stalking, but like have I gone somewhere to like persuade someone to like be with me? Yes I have

H: okay yeah but then should we talk about the differences between but guys is it creepy if a guy did it to me yeah how old is the guy how old are you where did you meet him how many times have you hung out do you like him is he attractive how much money did he spend on his flight like we need a lot of info to say is this too far but uh I mean I'm gonna say it's not M: I'm gonna say it's not too far you know

H: I'm gonna say if someone followed me to two cities I would be like yeah that's too much like it's too needy I wouldn't be into that if someone followed me to like clapham junction I'd be like get away from me

M: so no but honey I feel like you're saying it in a creepy way but I disagree I don't think it was, I want someone to follow me to the end of the earth darling

H: I know you do but you're such a romantic, okay anyway give us the next one

M: I hired out a grove of trees at the beach in Singapore spending thousands on it—sorry who the fuck are you?— and then I met a girl on the plane on the way over there and called the company to cancel the thing for the original girl as soon as I landed um okay how are you like this wait wait so he just to clarify he planned this whole thing spent thousands of pounds on this incredible date in Singapore and then on the flight literally to like surprise this girl he met another girl and decided like now i want her instead yeah wow how are you that you must have incredible incredible impulses

literally imagine imagine you're like on the way somewhere specifically okay firstly he's following a girl not following but like and speaking

money imagine just having thousands to spend on someone and then you're like you know what i actually just changed my mind i mean if i'm spending thousands on someone like i know i'm marrying them do you know what i mean

H: so true I don't understand what what kind of life are you living this is too much for me to process right now. I'm gonna say this is too far and also I need to know how it ended between you and the plane girl because i need to know everything we need more we will have we need more we will try to scout this person out

M: we will.

H: Oh wait how far is too far? is it too far?

M: yeah it's too far well there's two elements- there’s the thousands on this grove of trees or whatever at the beach in Singapore— too far

H: no no no no don’t that to me thank you I want that, I don't think I'd accept that I'm sorry I'd just be so overwhelmed like you it's so much pressure to enjoy it I'm the worst person of receiving gifts

M: but I mean the whole like canceling it for like on a whim on a girl you meant on the plane I think that's too far

H: I think that's too far but i mean if you think the other thing was too far to begin with then maybe the second thing isn't too far but I'm just gonna go for not too far the first day idea too far canceling it on a whim

M: i'm gonna say thank god that the grove of trees was a surprise and the girl didn't already know about it because imagine she already knew about it

H: so yeah agreed overall too far but like maybe not too far depending how you look at it

M: okay next one I wrote my long distance girlfriend a poem sent it by post and when i came home found out she'd send me a love letter the same day oh that's so cute that's cute these people are so in sync I bet your horoscopes are like so aligned

H: i mean it's very cute yeah that's like but also maybe she sent it like a week before

M: okay honey it's still it arrived on the same kind of like day it's kind of cute I mean i don't think that's like too far or not too far I think it's cute

H: yes and it wasn't too far because obviously she did the same. Okay next

M: um i came home drunk at 5 a.m and she'd made a whole lasagna really just like props to this girl because it's just the perfect amount of far

H: like yes imagine how much time she put into making that lasagna like her fingers touched every layer of pasta for like hours while she made you this dish and then she waited up till 5am

M: it's just I think any snack at 5 00 am after a night out

H: oh lasagna, I don't think lasagna counts as a snack it's like breakfast at that point. Okay anyway just the right amount of far

M: okay so next one i made an indoor picnic for my boyfriend cook dinner set up a picnic blanket with tea candles and flower petals in his room and ate on the floor, lovely that is just perfect for quarantine

H: i don't think um your landlord would approve of you having tea candles on the floor on your picnic blanket but everything else is very cute

M: yeah i would love for that to happen to me it's so definitely not too far H: it's so cliche but very very lovely i feel like you can have a nice time you know they've put in the effort this is perfect good job you

M: yes definitely the right amount of far agreed. Before i left to college he gave me an envelope of love letters and poems and we had a picnic and sat in the sun looking at each other

H: oh this is cutie cutie we love love letters and poems are we in a movie

M: oh my god i think, you know I feel like we need to talk more about how no one wants to be cliche or think that they're just like living their love life as if they're in a movie but like this is clearly just what kind of thing happens when you're in love like true and you start you start trying to do all the like cringy things even though they just are cringe but like in the moment you're like yeah this is perfect this is exactly what i should do not saying that like you shouldn't do this like in this story i'm just saying that like it is very movie-esque like do you know what i mean but it's cute so cute not too far

H: I think it's cute but also know know your audience you know know who you're dating. I guess yeah okay not too far though I agree

M: I wrote a 23 poem long anthology from my significant other's 23rd birthday what do we think honey what do we think too far

H: 23 i think it's just bordering like what are you gonna do when he's like 40. I think that's really cute but also like how much creation do you have inside you to be able to write 23 poems about it

M: yeah no i think that's really cute and really considerate or whatever i don't think it's too far at all i do think that it could be too far depending on who you're dating obviously i'm guessing that like this person's significant other would appreciate it do you know what i mean

H: yeah I know but also we just know that a girl wrote this for a guy— imagine a guy sitting down to write 23 poems like i don't want to like generalize but come on like i've never heard of a guy writing 23 poems. Also can i just say this is a note to my boyfriend that i don't want 21 raps for my birthday. But yeah it's super cute I think this is not too far

M: I don't think so either my boyfriend said i love you for the first time on santa monica pier at sunset on valentine's day

H: my god also a movie maybe just like california is something about california just makes you behave like you're in a literal rom-com

M: this could not be like a more perfect setting yeah but also i would want to know like did he say it just because of the setting or just because of valentine's day

H: yeah true if someone told me they love me on valentine's day i think i'd be like do you actually though

M:yeah fair enough it's cute yeah not too far very lovely

H: yeah not too far. Next is been in an online relationship for a year without meeting the person. Jesus christ honestly really good job to you

M: is this too far i'm gonna say no but i'm really just trusting that whoever wrote this is like very very certain like all their needs are being met online and also i feel like i don't think it matters where you are as long as all your needs are consistently being met and i feel like you can do that online i mean obviously you're not having sex but you know if you've never met then like you don't know what you're missing out on do you so you know i feel like it's a good way like i've been in a long-distance relationship like you definitely learn a lot about a person it's kind of like a love is blind kind of situ

M: um a year is a long time i don't think i'd do that without meeting someone like how do you know yeah i think i think to me it's too far but as in i don't think it's too hard for everyone as a rule i just think to for me that's way too far i don't think i could do that for someone like yeah i know you wouldn't be able to do that yeah but kudos someone you've never met like i don't see myself doing that but like i i trust that like you had like you had a good feeling about the person and like you had good instincts and you knew yeah i mean you must have you know honestly there are like stories of people getting like catfished and stuff so this is for me not too far but i know it's different for everyone not too far okay next one

H: took a 60 pound uber

M: yeah no like where where were you going how long was the uber i mean no i i genuinely think this is quite a like wow this is pretty far i mean you're like doing quite a bit. One time i like i was taking a really long uber to this girl's house like for a booty call and i like literally halfway through i was like there's no way i can't like carry on with this journey like it's way too far this uber is way too expensive and i just like turned around and went back home so like wow 60 pound uber that is true love i don't know i don't think it's very far but it's quite far

H: it's quite far

M: Next one— not seeing my friends and then they put in brackets we'll never do again so i'm guessing they as in like they stopped seeing their friends and they thought that they were doing that for love which it is too far in any circumstance, not seeing your friends anymore

H: too far definitely too far never do this i've been there done that not worth it i mean no no offence to my ex but like don't do that to yourself it's not healthy yeah you need to have people in your life so you can have perspective like you just shouldn't give up anyone and you shouldn't have to give up anyone in your life for someone so this is a hundred million trillion percent too far.

Broken into someone's house- okay i'm so fascinated by this one who who like what did you what i need the story yeah please if you sent this can you send us the whole story i need to know details what how did you break in i'm sorry like wow this is wild but is it too far i would say don't do don't go like setting a precedent of doing illegal [ __ ] for love that's not a good idea okay um offered up my house for six months i need more context i know the context of this but so yeah i feel like it's hard for me to speak like impartially on this one but i would say offering it up as in is not a mutual decision i feel like that is always too far like if you feel like you're having to do something against your will or like because you feel like you have to kind of thing that's too far i would say i don't really get what you mean like did you do that because you felt like you had to or was it like a last resort kind of thing because then i feel like that puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and like do you still live with your parents because that's just also like a lot to ask i feel like it's just a lot to ask if someone if it's not like a mutual decision like i think we need more information so i would also say this is too far what about you yeah maybe too far i don't know it depends like are they like gonna be homeless for six months like that's too far i don't i'm not asking i don't want anything yeah being homeless for me is it really easy for them to just give up their house for i don't know like i need a lot more context i i i think it's too yeah with no context yeah i would agree just not be too far i don't know okay flew to denmark after matching on a lads holiday people stop [ __ ] flying somewhere for people that you haven't met or have met only once like you need to chill out i mean if you really feel like it's calling your heart and you need to see this person do it but did you match with like a really fit girl on a loud holiday and you were like i really need to go shag this girl in denmark like i i wouldn't do this well he said that they dated on and off for two years after that oh [ __ ] okay well and yeah i guess it was worth it i don't think it's too far to fly for someone even if they're a stranger i mean like it depends obviously if if you're going to like be in debt after because you booked the great ticket somewhere or a plane ticket or like you just don't have the money to be doing it then of course don't do it i do think it's too far but if you have the money like even if it's a bit risque i don't think it's too far like i don't know just do it like it could be worth it you could end up meeting someone like really like incredible or like do you know what i mean i don't think it's too far personally but i do get thinking that it is too yeah okay well that concludes our segment for today should we maybe say say something you tell me something you've done and i'll tell you if it's too far

okay well i know the answer to mine that is way too far like basically continued spending crazy amounts of money and time on my ex that didn't want me back and didn't love me like um i like missed a lot of things and kind of like bailed on a lot of things so i could give all my time and attention to her when she just did not want me okay well yeah so yes that was too far i would say

what about you something i've done i guess also i have not seen friends i'm currently in a long distance relationship it's been seven months yeah a lot a lot of things i can't even think of one specific things but yeah same i've gone too far too many i think we can both agree that we have gone too far

anyway i want to talk a little bit about before we dive into like the main topic offering just like a little nugget you know of wisdom that i read in this book all about love by bell hooks which i recently read because when we started like planning this episode i just started like really questioning how far is like too far to go for love and like how much are you willing to put up with for your relationship you know i've been in a long-distance relationship for seven months and like that in itself has caused a lot of issues which we will be talking about in like our quarantine episode but i yeah i really started questioning like whether all my needs were like being met and you know how in the segment someone said that they were in a long-distance relationship with someone they've never met and this book just really helped to put a lot of things in perspective and i think it's easy for people to look at like young love or first love or however anyone else is acting in a relationship and say that they're acting like crazily in love and like they're helpless and they're just going too far but i think it's really important for us to like change the ways that we speak about love in order for more people to have like a precedent set from a young age of like what they will be putting up with for their loved ones whether it's platonic or romantic and so bell hooks really like helps to clarify the difference between lust and like investing strong emotions in someone versus real true love and like all the things that come along with that which is like respect communication okay so this is what bell hook says to truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients care affection recognition respect commitment and trust as well as honest and open communication and then she also references confusing a process of investment of emotion or feelings with love and yes i think this is just a really good basic definition of what love is and i think falling in love as we will be speaking about later in the episode you do act in ways where you feel hopeless and you feel like everything is like out of your control and i think that's kind of acceptable when you're falling in love with someone but i think once you're firmly in a relationship or like in love with someone and it's reciprocated you really have to like evaluate the way that you're being treated and i think that my experience in the past has really like led me to kind of question what love is and like what i should expect from people in a romantic relationship and yeah i would just highly recommend this book if you're having troubles in love or you're having difficulty um kind of understanding like what you should be accepting as love and what you should accept for yourself and loving yourself and all those things are very important and yeah i just wanted to plug that book real quickly because i think it's very relevant to what we'll be talking about and i think i think it's definitely important for young people especially to have a way of defining love that isn't just what they've seen in the movies or read about in books because i think there are a lot of problematic representations of love that aren't necessarily helpful or healthy so yeah do you have anything you want to say in that vein no i was just thinking about the the thing you read that she said that like the seven ingredient the ingredients that you need like care affection recognition respect commitment trust open and honest communication all those things and about this whole thing that you were saying about being helpless to the feelings of love or like helpless to whatever you're feeling and i was just kind of thinking how maybe when you're falling in love that's kind of when you get all this help helpless feeling like oh everything's taking over my body and whatever it's kind of it kind of takes over your life and then but then i do think like at the end of the day like once you get to know someone and stuff and like you choose to be with them and then that's kind of when the ingredient ingredients come in really i don't know maybe i think and that's when yeah like you're choosing to treat someone like this and i think it's also interesting like what you're choosing to accept from someone yeah yeah i definitely agree that falling in love is maybe like not helpless but like the part where you're not entirely in control because you're like learning about someone and you're not like entirely aware of like what you're throwing yourself into and that is more of like a helpless or like out of control feeling and then yeah exactly as you said like at the end of the day is a choice to remain in that situation and that's where all those things come into play and like if you're questioning i think it's good to step back and look at those things that she defines as being important to recognize like whether yes it's meant to be or you know if it's unequal in some areas and you'd look at if you're willing to work on it but yeah i just wanted to say a little bit more on the whole choosing to love someone's and stuff i think there is a big part of you can't help how you feel do you know what i mean like you can't help if you really like someone and maybe they treat you really badly or something but you can't help that you love them or whatever i think it would be helpful maybe to separate sort of oh i can't help that i love them well no you don't love them because you don't have these seven ingredients you don't like there's no respect they don't they're not treating you well or whatever like or maybe you do love them but they don't love you in the same way yeah exactly like and obviously you can't help how you feel i get that but at the end of the day if you do love someone you are choosing to treat them in a certain way do you know what i mean yeah and you're choosing to accept something less than what you are putting in exactly everyone has that annoying friend that is like with someone and like i've definitely been that annoying friend that uses love as like an excuse for being with someone like just saying oh but i love them like i'm not gonna break up with them because i love them and they love me and like that's the most important thing and yeah sometimes that's not yeah or maybe you're it's not love do you know what i mean like of course there's feelings there but yeah you might have a couple of those like key ingredients but if you don't have all of them if you don't have respect you don't have acknowledgement you don't have recognition you don't feel like seen in inverted commas by your significant other or someone that you're like beginning a relationship with maybe it's time for you to like step back and have a little bit of perspective and yeah i think that was just something that i really wanted to promote for i know we have like quite a few young listeners and if you're like starting off in the world of love and relationships i think those are things that you should really be looking out for and i think teaching yourself respect for yourself and respect for others is something that will get you a very long way in life as boring as it might sound but yeah i really just wanted to plug all about love by bell hooks everyone should check it out it really changed my perspective on love or just like really helped to clarify a lot of things that i kind of agreed with or like thought already but now i have a way of like really rationalizing it and thinking clearly about it and we should also all be supporting black writers and bell hooks is a magnificent feminist writer and cultural critic so yeah

let's dive in to this topic and tell the stories of when we told our boyfriends that we love them yes um do you want to go fast yes um so telling telling someone that you love them like this is kind of after the stage of like you've gone through all the like falling in love steps like you feel it you know it you're like [ __ ] okay it's time it's time to say or even like sometimes like you don't even like you're not even sure you feel it and you just like spit it out it just kind of yeah that's what happened to me that's how powerful love is you know the power it just overtakes you and it's like um but no it didn't happen like that to me i basically just like

i was just obsessed with my boyfriend for a while like classic maria i basically kind of like chased him until he agreed to go out with me um so kind of like early on i was already like pretty obsessed with him i was like very invested in this whole thing i was kind of like i'd invested a lot of time and a lot of effort so i like already had like feelings involved do you know what i mean like time had been spent

and like the thing with this whole thing was like it took so long for him to kind of give in to him for him to like give me the time of day that i had already reached such a closeness with him when he finally kind of like gave in and kissed me that like this closeness had just been building up and like we were just like very close friends and like i think i just already had a lot of love for him so yeah and you're already friends right like as a person yeah yeah like i think i just i i was very very fond of him and like i just cared a lot about him and kind of all of these feelings had been confused in the whole chase and in this whole like obsession with being with him so i think like super early on i already felt like in love like i feel like i'd already like kind of fallen in love with this person that had been kind of like pushing away a bit and i think he knew that he had to do that for me to like actually invest the time to build something rather than just like going into it and then being over it as soon as like as soon as it happened you know what i mean so like just doing it yeah i think that's like a big reason why like we just got so close and i just fell in love very very quickly and i think as soon as i felt it like i wasn't even sure i didn't spend days or even like time like no time at all thinking about whether like i loved him it was just kind of like one day i felt it and i just said it and i was like yeah and i was drunk to be fair so i don't think i really meant it when i was drunk but like then i said it's sober really soon after that and like i just felt it so i was like i just want to say it and by the way he did not say it back

and he did not stay back for quite a while which was kind of hard but at the same time i still i didn't regret saying it because it felt right to me in the moment and i was very in love with him and it was kind of crazy because it was like slowly like you know that quote wait yeah i think it's from 49 stars they're like you fall in love the way you fall asleep slowly and then all at once wow and it's like even though that's so like um so yeah like it was kind of true in a way because it was like i didn't expect it to happen at all like i didn't notice it was happening happening and then all of a sudden i was in love with him and like it was too late to go back and it was too late to take it back and it was too late to unfeel the feeling so like i kind of just said it and dived into it and was just like yeah this is what's gonna happen now and even if he didn't feel the same it was like for now that's okay i think when like when i knew i loved him i was like that's okay that he doesn't love me back yeah

do you want to um talk a bit about when he said it back to you as well uh well yeah i guess um yeah so it was like months and like we kind of were still our relationship was still growing and forming really because um yeah it was still really early days i said it very early i don't even remember one but very early and um so yeah our relationship just kept like growing and forming and whatever and kind of as time went by uh i felt like we were in love like that's kind of how it felt like to me like and but that was kind of just on my end i realized now because on his end he just wasn't there yet like he didn't have those feelings and so he i think there was this disconnect in our relationship for a few months in like in the middle because it had kind of been long enough that i didn't feel stable if he didn't love me back kind of thing but at the same time and the same time at this point i was so in love with him that it was like well there's nothing i can do yeah i guess this is just what's gonna happen you'd kind of like invested your time and it's like it's a very like difficult boundary to be like oh i'm just gonna give up now after i have like invested all this time you know yeah of course um but then i don't know like i didn't i i'd gone i've kind of grown to believe that he was never gonna love me like towards nearly like around the time where he actually finally said it i was i was getting to the point that i was like right i was kind of starting to be like i think i'm just gonna have to accept that we're gonna have to end it because i don't want to be in a relationship like in a loveless relationship you know what i mean like i just don't want to like forever be in love with someone that's never going to love me back and then we were kind of like this kept coming up like in fights the whole like how he didn't love me and it just made me very insecure it was just not a good stage for the relationship basically and then what we were in a fight when i was drunk

and then he i was like we just have to break up like there's no point you you don't love me you're never gonna love me like i'm not saying it like and this whole time in my head i really didn't want to say it as an ultimatum like i didn't want to be like you have to love me otherwise we're breaking up like i didn't see it like that at all it was more like i don't know if i can do this to myself like i don't know if i can continue being in pain yeah like it's kind of getting to a point

exactly so then but i guess it could have come across like that which is unfair on him i get that but like i was just like we have to break up like we you're never gonna love me blah blah blah and he was like well i do love you so like we're not gonna break up or something like that i don't know i don't remember i was [ __ ] but then the next day i'm like apologizing to him and i'm like i'm so sorry i kept you up and i was really drunk and blah blah blah and he's like all annoyed and he's like i'm like i'm so sorry like you know i love you blah blah he's like yeah i know you love me i love you too you idiot and i'm like what you love me like and you don't like you you just don't understand like how crazy this whole him just throwing it like as though it was a normal thing to say was because like we'd been dating for like over nine months or something like that and like he i'd said it like two months in or something so it'd been like literally like oh seven i didn't realize it and him not saying it back oh yeah no it was a crazy long time so then he's like yeah i love you too you idiot and i'm like what you love me and he's like yeah i told you last night like i love you blah blah blah and then we just like hugged and it was like it was nice i don't know it's not like super cute moment of saying i love you but like i don't care like i think it was the perfect way of saying it because like the whenever the thing is whenever he did say it whenever he was gonna say it i knew like in the moment i knew that he meant it and like i felt love rather than like just hearing someone say i love you like i felt it yeah because it had been such a long time coming and it was he'd made such a point of like not saying it until he knew it was true um so yeah yeah um that was kind of that's very nice that is definitely yeah not what happened with me in any way um so yeah i guess mine kind of happened in the opposite way where i feel like we have very different situations because like yours is obviously it's so difficult when you like someone or you love someone and that feeling is like not reciprocated but when it's like the person you're in a relationship with like that's even harder to negotiate because like you're still seeing them every day whereas like if it's just someone that you like know and you haven't like you're not like nothing's happened then i feel like it's very different to like i'm the kind of person that doesn't like to make things official so we weren't official or anything like we were just kind of like dating and i didn't really didn't see it coming it was all my study abroad i went to america i don't know if you guys know but i lived in america for three months i'm so that person but um yeah so we met like very very early on in like the first week that i was there and then for ages he was asking me out and i was like no i don't want to go like i mean i did want to go but i was also just kind of like trying to settle in like i had seen from like my roommates the way that people in america date also i think we're probably going to do an episode on this or talk to someone else about it like get that perspective but in america they're very like all or nothing and that is also the kind of person i am but like i was not into it when i went there i was like i don't want to just like go out with someone once and then like we hold hands and that makes us boyfriend and girlfriend because like that was the kind of expectation i was seeing while i was there and i was like what the [ __ ] is going on right now like this is not cool this would never happen in the uk guys come on pull yourselves together we're not [ __ ] 12 anymore um but anyway so then yeah we like went on a few dates and then after like our first date we kind of just hung out every day and it was like it was just very intense and i definitely wasn't looking for anything serious i never am really but that is kind of what happened and then one day me and my friend went to visit him at this little cafe where he was studying with his friends and i just went to say hi and like give him a little kiss and like yeah it was all very cutesy and wow romance thank you oh my god and then yeah as we were saying bye i kissed him and i was like okay bye see you later and he was like bye love you and then he didn't even realize that he'd said it and then it was all it was just this awkward silence where everyone else had realized he'd said it and they're all staring at him like what the [ __ ] have you done you're crazy man and then my friend was like ah she turns me and i was like okay let's go let's go before he realizes and then as we were walking away he was like oh my god no i didn't mean that [ __ ] i'm so embarrassed i'm sorry and then ugh the whole time after that i just had it like in the back of my mind like oh my god he loves me this is such a disaster what have i done like this is terrible i'm leaving i love how like him saying i love you to you was like oh no this is such a disaster whereas like for me it was like wow this is the biggest miracle i never thought i'd see this day this is what i mean like it's all completely opposite situations where i was like [ __ ] i did not sign up for this and i was freaking out and my friend was like no don't worry like he probably didn't mean it he just said it by accident and i was like rationalizing in my head but i also didn't want to overreact because i didn't want to make him feel embarrassed like i feel like that is the kind of thing that people say and they don't mean it but then from then on like seeing as he had said it was kind of out there in the open and i had that in my mind i think we both had that in our minds so like every time we hung out or like whenever we would hang up the phone it would be like uh bye and i was like [ __ ] see again like please don't say it again and like it was just very very kind of uncomfortable i mean no it was fine obviously like things were still normal between us like we carried on seeing each other probably for like another month and then there's one time we were just like hanging out in his room and i was like oh like we were just joking about how he said that and i was just kind of teasing him and being like i can't believe you said that and then i was like yeah now that you said it i kind of am really scared of accidentally saying it myself um but i don't think i even realized like i really didn't realize i was in love with him i i definitely knew that i really had strong feelings for him because i don't really ever have feelings for anyone so when i do it's kind of just like a massive [ __ ] slap in the face um but yeah then i was like i i don't know i always like accidentally almost say it when we hang up the phone he was like do you love me i was like i don't know like in the back of my mind i was like [ __ ] yes i do i do and he was like okay well you just have to tell me like how you feel and then we both just kind of sat in silence on his bed and like we both knew i was gonna say it but it was like 20 minutes of me and my mind like counting down being like okay you're going to say it in three two one and then nothing would come out and i was just sitting there just being like honey just [ __ ] say are you [ __ ] [ __ ] but then i was also like i don't know wary of saying it i guess because i feel like in my last relationship i said it too soon and also i was very aware of the fact that i really didn't know him very well and like this was a guy that i was seeing and i was not going to see after i left america for probably a very long time which was right because it's been [ __ ] six months and i still haven't seen him but um lovely love it i just love that long distance relationship i mean obviously i didn't go looking for this i never would have tried to do this but things happen you know feelings happen i love him i admit it i admitted it then and then it was all over and then oh my god after we said it i just stayed at his house i woke up the next morning and like my heart was like oh my god like i love you and like it was so nice and then i had to leave and we had to go he had to go to like i don't know where he was going some field trip or something cause he's a scientist um and yeah usually he would drive me back to the dorms but he had to get the bus so i got the bus and then he was getting really pissed off at me and he was like honey like you just never like you just take too long to do anything because apparently i'm just really slow and i was like i'm just chill like this is like i'm like so vibing with the forest and like the atmosphere of california like while i was i was just really laid back so like i was just chill i didn't want to rush to go anywhere i was so calm and smoked a lot of weed so i was really happy and he just got mad at me because i wasn't being quick enough and i don't know maybe i made him late or something but we got the bus together back to the dorms and i got off before him and it was just really awkward like we didn't talk he was really mad at me and i got off the bus and like we didn't say anything it was just really horrible feeling i was like [ __ ] what have i done like i've made such a terrible terrible mistake like why did i do this i'm guessing maybe he was just like freaking out like about this whole thing he was like oh [ __ ] like this is kind of real man yeah maybe he was so he was like lashing out because well yeah i don't know i know it's just being kind of like a theme throughout our relationship that like he gets really annoyed with me if i don't understand what he's saying but i think it's just like a cultural difference or i don't know we're both kind of grumpy and like i i don't know something gets lost in translation especially over the phone and i feel like we just misunderstand each other a lot which is obviously not ideal but that is what happens and that's kind of what happened then but it's all good now yeah like i love him and i'm glad i told him but i guess this kind of is a good way to move into our next topic in that do you think you can love someone that you don't really know because like obviously i said it and i didn't know him that well but do you think it's like i don't know just what are your thoughts on it because i yeah i'm very um confused yeah i don't know i think it's very complicated because i kind of don't think you can um i think you can feel very strong feelings towards someone and i think i will put my hands up you know um and say i don't think that when i told my boyfriend i loved him for the first time i actually loved him i think i like i liked him a lot as a friend like i just like we got on really well and like i liked the person he was and i cared a lot about him but like i didn't really know who i was saying i love you too do you know what i mean like i didn't love him i just loved the whole like all of it like i loved this feeling that i was feeling this like super crazy like nerves and super crazy excitement and like wanting to be around him all the time and i think i just thought that was like me like that meant that i loved him but i think like when i actually like got to know him and like now that we're at like at such a like deep state in our relationship kind of thing like we're just very close yeah i think like now that i actually love him or maybe you can love someone but i think it's a different way maybe it's not love it's more of like like you yeah you love the you love the prospect of it yeah i think it's totally fine and i think at the start of relationships a lot of the time you do love that because you see a hint of what this person is of who this person is and you're like yes like this is what i want kind of do you know what i mean and it's like you're so in love with like what's gonna happen kind of thing yeah you're like excited about the prospect of like getting to know them yeah i think like like you can only you only really truly love someone if you like know them pretty well i think if you know them like yeah you can truly love them and like because also i'm thinking like people other people that i've dated that i just wasn't in love with and that like i remember it in like a couple people that i was dating i was trying to like convince myself that one day i could fall in love with them like i could love them but i think it was more like i really liked them as people and i really like i felt like i knew them and whatever but i think like i um and i and i thought that by getting to know them more i would grow to love them but i think it's kind of the opposite like well not sorry not the opposite i think like you have to really want to get to know someone and that's what makes you love them like you can't force yourself to want to know stuff about them you know what i mean like i feel like that's yeah maybe when i first started i didn't really know him but like i was very excited about the prospect of getting to know him and i think that's also something that i noticed in well in in hindsight that's what i think with like my first relationship like i definitely said it too soon i don't know why i thought that was a good idea i mean it was my first relationship so i guess it's very different but yeah i think i just was excited about the prospect of getting to know them and i think that i did love them but i think in any relationship obviously you learn more about someone the more time you spend with them and like you'll never stop learning stuff about them and that's kind of the beauty of being in a relationship so i think it's kind of hard i do i agree with you completely and that i kind of questioned whether i was in love with him when i said i love you but now like it's hard to distinguish that feeling because obviously it always grows and you know if it's not going why are you in the relationship and if you're not getting to learn like if you're not getting to know more things about the other person even if like like we have a friend who's i don't know kind of in a relationship with like her best friend right now and they were best friends for years and years but like i'm sure they're still getting to know each other in just a more intimate way than they had if they were friends like being in a relationship is just very different and you learn stuff about things like through arguing you learn what like what people's sides are that you don't really know and you don't you might not necessarily like it but you learn all those different complex sides to them um yeah i think with any relationship like not just romantic relationships but like with friendships as well i think the whole uh sort of notion of like having to know someone to love them i think is important because like if you're not compatible at the end of the day if like for example the way you fight is like completely opposite and the way that's like your partner fights with you is like they they always say just the most horrible things they always like explode and like it's just not the way you fight at all let's say it's that kind of like disagreement and something you don't know about the other like fighting or like something like it's not i'm not saying fighting is important but as in like the way someone fights or the way people argue about things i think it's quite telling so like yeah something like that for instance like if we had completely like opposite way of fight opposite ways of fighting i don't think we could work like as friends like even yeah because it's just like you would never sort through conflict or like so things like that like the way you fight the way you like uh treat other people like the way you treat your family as well as like the way you treat strangers that kind of like all of these kinds of things like you can always find something out about someone that you were like growing to love that might change your opinion completely so i feel like it's very telling yeah i think the more information you have the more like focused your feelings can be do you know what i mean like the more information you have the more informed your decision is on like choosing to love someone yeah but i also think that maybe like this is a problematic conversation to even be having because obviously this is a very like ideal situation of love but like yeah love is kind of like this imperfect thing and that's why no one really knows how to define it and everyone has their own different definitions of it because those feelings are still that you know like i didn't want to fall in love but like i couldn't help how i felt and yeah it's like you want to be able to rationalize it but i feel like it's tricky to be able to yeah the whole rationalizing it even though you might want to not feel this way like you let's say you have this like really volatile way of fighting with each other and you're like in your heart you're like oh i don't know i know maybe like this isn't the person i'm meant to be with like i didn't know them that well i didn't know this about them whatever but it's like at the end of the day you're feeling what you're feeling you're not just gonna be like okay well since i know this now well then i guess i i'm not enough okay time to turn the [ __ ] switch off like no that's not how it works it's so complicated you're still gonna like have all these feelings and yeah and my point is kind of yeah like falling in love is a crazy confusing thing like sometimes you can't even distinguish between feelings of just like you just want to shag someone so bad or like you're just actually really close friends with someone and that's like starting to seem like you're attracted to them yeah but like i don't know it's just super confusing i think you have to it's it's a it's a thing of like listening to your gut and listening to your feet like your heart as well yeah you learn to recognize yourself just listen to how you feel yeah yeah okay so i also want to talk about how i guess we're obviously young and students and about how love and like negotiating love when you're seeing someone every day how that is something that is kind of tricky it makes it tricky to distinguish again because you know you don't know if you're feeling all these things because someone's there and because the opportunity is literally being handed to you right then and there like this person wants to hang out with you every day and yeah so like how would you say you distinguished those feelings um i don't know can i have a little time to think about it can you go fast yeah sorry i think it's just tricky you know like when you're young everything in your life is kind of just centered around school and your friends and you don't have any responsibilities you don't have anything distracting you like probably that's why young love is often so like hot and cold like you don't have anything else to make you step back and think like oh is this going to affect like my career or anything like all you have is like the pure feelings and that's why it can be so confusing and obviously we can't speak for like what that will be like in i don't know 30 years i guess like my mom she got married a few years ago and like they kind of just seemed to know that it was like the right thing like they didn't want to waste their time with like messing around and having all these other responsibilities they're like i know how i feel like there's no point in just playing the field anymore or like questioning it was just more simple whereas i think when you're younger you definitely have a lot more doubts and you don't really know yourself as well as you will in 10 years time or even a year's time like you're still getting to know yourself and so negotiating that while also getting to know someone else is it can be really intense i think i think uh the thing with like young love and like i don't know just thinking back to my first relationship i don't think um in it like while i was falling in love or whatever i never doubted those feelings i was never like oh but like what if i just like i just do you know what i mean like i i never like took one second to be like oh but like is this what love is like am i feeling like this love i was just so invested like everything all of my energy went to this person and everything i did was so this person could be more happy everything was so i could be with this person like literally my whole world stopped and everything started revolving around like her and it was kind of like well surely this is what love is like of course it is do you know what i mean like there's no way that this isn't it and like the whole doubts thing like for me it was almost like the opposite it was like i was so sure of it i was so obsessed and it was so central in my life that i was like well yeah of course like this is forever yeah do you know what i mean like we're perfect for each other look at us like yeah but this is what i mean you don't have anything else to like sway your opinion it's all very intense and infatuated no and i think i think that's the dif that's like the big difference it's more that you're like at least for me it was that i was so sure i was like i wasn't thinking about it i was just like putting everything into it and ignoring everything else and like i think that's like what changed at least in my second relationship not that i'm saying it's not young love anymore because it is i'm still young but like and there's still a lot of those like infatuation feelings i'm guessing but um it was more like i did kind of take time to be like okay it's fine even if i say like that i love him like whatever it's true but that doesn't mean that like this has to be forever and that i have to give everything up for this person it was just more of a like wow like i just want to be around this person and share everything with this person rather than like everything is about that like is about them yeah do you know what i mean and i think there's another thing with the benefit of hindsight and having a breakup like you learn a lot in your first relationship and in your first breakup about who you are and what you want and you have that i mean most people have that period after they first break up with someone to like really understand and like reflect on what they really want and what they feel and what they're going to carry into their next relationship and you can use that time like we talked about this whole notion of like falling in love with yourself and using that time i feel like when you go into another relationship after your first love you have the benefit of like you're more guarded of your heart like you don't want to give it away so freely probably and you don't want to put yourself through a breakup or like a difficult position again and yeah like you're just thinking more rationally about it not that it's still completely rational because i don't think love ever is and i i definitely don't think it is when you're students and when you have nothing else to do but yeah i think it's just really stepping back and thinking like how is this gonna like how's this gonna carry into my adult life i guess i don't really know like we're not even nearly there yet well we are we have another year but you have more to lose i guess and i think the important thing is always just taking what you've learned even if you're still in a relationship and you haven't broken up like what did you learn from your last argument what did you learn the last time you spent time with them you know like really just don't just throw yourself in and love is the only reason that you're there you know there's so many more things to think yeah i would another thing that i really want to say as well that i just thought of that i think try as much as you can to be as self-aware especially in like your first relationship because like in a weird way you're like bro and growing together like as people and if you kind of if you're having all these volatile arguments and like these these really toxic behaviors with each other and all of this stuff and you're literally like not even taking a second to like step away and be like wait is this like normal or like like surely we shouldn't be arguing this much you can just like keep those kind of like toxic behaviors and like so true horrible things that everyone does when they're young um and like carry that over into other relationships and like your adult life really and it can just bring a lot of pain yeah this whole idea of like reflecting on like your first relationship and reflecting on those feelings reflecting on those behaviors like i think that's super important and that will like really help you carve out like a much happier relationship i'm guessing like and i think with any relationship regardless of whether it's romantic or platonic it should always be like you should always keep sight of the balance of just like you're saying like self-awareness and awareness of the other person if you're in a relationship where you completely lose sight of who you are or like you're just so into the relationship that you're focused on this person and you don't really know what you want or what you feel yeah if i could tell my 16 year old self anything i would want to tell her that like literally think about yourself being in a relationship is not just about the other person and yeah that's something i would really want to pass down to anyone who's young and getting into their first or second relationship like really think about do you know yourself are you ready to be in this relationship are you ready to compromise some aspects and stand up for the things that are really important to you instead of just getting swept away and like all these feelings you know yeah no for sure like definitely try to get to know yourself a little better i think and always just try to be a little kinder to yourself than you usually yeah like that can't hurt yeah very true well i feel like that's a good place to wrap up what do you think indeed um yeah maybe i maybe i was just thinking we could say like a little just a little something maybe we think we've learned about like love like yeah or learnt from love or something we like about it i think the main the main difference i would say in my relationship now versus my relationship before was i think in my relationship before we were just mostly obsessed with like being with each other like it was just about like us against the world whereas now i think it's more about what we can learn from each other to take into the rest of the world you know what i mean isn't like it's just someone that you can talk to and share everything with and like we can help each other through problems i don't know it's just always that it's it's just like someone that's there to help you and to make you better rather than like you being this like force that no one can penetrate it's more like just making each other better as individuals rather than like i think that's something i value a lot more now is how can i be better for this person but also for myself yeah rather than how can we be as close as we possibly can how can we like be better than everyone else like i don't know if that made sense but yeah yeah no that definitely makes sense i agree with that very much and i also think i think in my first relationship i very much thought like i had to do everything like just by myself and work through it but i've really learned that the advice of people around you is so valuable and i guess that's kind of like what inspired us to have this podcast in the first place like we learn so much from each other and from other people like the person you're in a relationship with is the only person that you can talk to them about like sometimes it's just important to be constantly evaluating and stepping back and that's definitely something that i try to do all the time now like evaluating what positives i get from the relationship like maybe i am too cautious about it but i think it's very helpful to me at least like i try to think what they're doing for my life what i'm doing for their life like i never want to feel like they're relying on me or i'm relying on them for happiness yeah yeah sorry i i also kind of wanted to clarify like from what i said i didn't want to make it sound like you know at the end of the day you will always have someone to rely on it's more like you know that you have someone that that you're both just trying to be better do you know what i mean like someone that will tell you how it is and try to make you better yeah yes um and like just one little more thing i kind of like i think another thing when i was younger i really believed that it wasn't meant to be like all good all the time not that it is meant to be all good all the time but i saw no problem in the fact that i was just crying and like kind of miserable anything that happened like any minor inconvenience i thought it was the end like now i understand that's not the case but at the same time i think if you're just generally not that happy you shouldn't stay with them just because you love them so much like yeah sometimes love isn't enough like maybe you you don't love them in the way that you thought you did do you know what i mean that's very very true so yeah okay well i feel like that is enough for this week but thank you so much for listening in we hope you enjoyed yes if you have any comments stories reviews questions anything to add please do email us on sexist podcast gmail.com or dms on instagram at sexter's podcast to find out what's happening and please leave us a review of five stars obviously nothing less but that's very helpful to us it means that we get we might get into the charts i mean probably not but that would be great if we did um and we'd love to know what you guys think what you guys want to see in future and yeah you can and share with your friends tell everyone about that mom tell your dad tell your sister tell your grandparents no i'm joking probably don't tell your grandparents but um yeah and follow me on instagram at @_honeywyatt and me @majhaytills and we will see you next week

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you've been listening to sextras presented by honey jane wyatt and maria jose hayoda ti produced by mabel productions