What is a praise kink?
Praise kinks are taking the internet by storm. Amelia Reynolds talks with sex experts to find out what it is, where it comes from, and how to explore it…
Everyone likes to be told they’re doing a good job. Whether it be in work, our educational or extracurricular pursuits. In a society that has built a working culture based on maximising output and minimising positive affirmations it’s no surprise that we’re craving praise. And it seems to be surfacing more and more in our sex lives.
Plummeted into the spotlight by TikTok, the hashtags #praisekink?? and #praisekinks have a combined 8.6 million views. Endless videos of people sharing their favourite praise-play phrases, fantasies and praise kink ASMR, many are realising that they aren’t alone in their enjoyment of praise.
What is a praise kink?
The first thing to understand is exactly what a kink is. Unlike a fetish, which is something a person cannot achieve arousal or orgasm without a kink is something that enhances arousal and overall sexual experience.
With that considered, a praise kink pretty much does what it says on the tin. Gigi Engle, writer, sexologist and sex educator, categorises it as a feeling of arousal when someone receives “compliments, positive feedback, sexual affirmations and praise”.
But this doesn’t necessarily mean that people with praise kinks are getting turned on whenever their boss tells them they’ve done a particularly good job. What separates a praise kink from the general good feeling we get when someone compliments us depends on “the degree to which it is essential for one’s sexual arousal and satisfaction”, says sexologist and sex therapist Holly Wood.
A praise kink goes beyond mere enjoyment, explains Wood. It becomes a “fundamental aspect of one’s sexual desires”.
Where does a praise kink come from?
Like many of the personality traits we develop in adult life, the burning question surrounding a praise kink (and all other kinks for that matter) is where does it come from?
Dr Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counsellor and Clinical Sexologist at Eros Coaching, says there are a number of factors that contribute to the development of a praise kink.
“Conditioning”, Lee says, can be instrumental in kink formation. “Positive reinforcement or praise during early sexual experiences can create associations between praise and pleasure.” This means that If you enjoyed a sexual experience – maybe even reached orgasm – where praise was involved, this could lead to the development of a praise kink. Very Pavlovian.
For many of us, enjoyment during sex can be enhanced when we’re feeling our best and our sexiest; this can also be one of the reasons we love praise during sex. “Some individuals may find validation and a boost in self-esteem through receiving praise during sexual activities,” Lee explains. We feel ‘desirable’ when told what a good job we’re doing or how good we look during sex.
Wood agrees that our self image plays a role in kink development. “Psychological factors, such as a strong need for validation, approval, or affirmation can also contribute to the development of a praise kink.”
She also explains that the media we consume can influence the sexual needs that evolve as we grow older. “the portrayals of praise in popular media, literature and pornography, can shape an individual’s desires and fetishes”.
Praise in the BDSM Community
Praise is a tool often used in dominant/ submissive dynamics. This is no coincidence, says Lee, who theorises that the power dynamics involved in sex can also lead to the development of a praise kink.
People often have the preconceived notion that BDSM largely involves humiliation, degradation and can perhaps be a little bit intimidating. However, praise kinks have strong roots in the BDSM community.
In a situation where there is a dominant and submissive partner, praise can be used to solidify the power dynamic. Emme Witt-Eden, a former dominatrix and sex, relationships & BDSM Expert, acknowledges the importance of praise in BDSM. “Submissives live to make their dominants happy,” she says.
“Nothing makes these subs more ecstatic than seeing a smile on their dom/domme’s face.”. The knowledge that your obedience is bringing your partner pleasure can be a huge turn-on for those with a praise kink.
Where to start
For those who are new to the BDSM community, praise could be a way to ease into whichever role you choose. A reconciliation of power and submission without humiliation or punishment which can understandably feel daunting.
Having spent many years within the sex industry- both practising and reporting on it. Witt-Eden understands why praise can seem more accessible to those just starting out. “Being put down and called names can be off-putting and scary,’’ she says.
Like all sexual encounters, kink play should be built on consent and communication. Talking with your partner, or partners, before, during and after is key when exploring a new kink.
Of course, trying something new in the bedroom can feel scary. To try out praise during sex for the first time, Witt-Eden recommends picking out elements of the kink-play you are enjoying to compliment your partner on.
“Tell them how much you enjoy the work they’re doing to pleasure your body, how great their body looks when they’re on all fours, offering their ass for a spanking”.
If you’re into objectification, Emme suggests you could try switching out a pet name for the object they are replacing. Calling someone a “lovely warm seat” whilst sitting on their face or a “footrest” whilst you rest your feet on their back.
Submissives shouldn’t get to have all the fun though, doms can also enjoy praise during intimacy. Praise can be used by both subs and doms to create a “‘pleasurable power imbalance”, says Wood.
You could try worship tactics to make your dom feel special. Tell them how powerful they are, how much you love to obey them and how good they make you feel.
It’s not just what you say though, it’s how you say it. Witt-Eden stresses the importance of the “tone of the interaction”. Whichever phrases or pet names you choose to use with your partner, you can really bring it home by delivering it with a “flirtatious voice” and a “big smile on your face”.
If you’re also into a bit of punishment and degradation, praise can be held back until the end of a session.
Remembering aftercare is incredibly important, especially with BDSM sex. It allows an opportunity for parties involved to get comfortable and check in with how they are feeling after intimacy.
Using praise during aftercare can make your partner feel safe in the power dynamic. Affirmation and compliments after being heavily dominated or degraded can help you to associate positive feelings with the experience.
Look, you’ve made it to the end of the article! You’re such a good little Sextras reader, aren’t you? As I’m feeling generous, here’s a list of potential pet names I have compiled (With the help of Emme Witt-Eden) for you to try with your partner!
Sub/ Subbie
My pet
My plaything
Rope bunny
Toy
Fuck Puppet
Yummy Hole
Piece of Meat