It’s called consensual non-consent for a reason, argues sex educator Kelley Nele. It’s consensual, so it’s about time we stop treating people with a rape fantasy as willing victims and instead view them as what they are: looking for good sex.

What’s the difference between fantasy and reality in BDSM?

Most people have a visceral reaction to the term rape fantasy or rape play. Who could blame them? Rape is a monstrous crime worthy of the most severe punishment.

But before you pass judgement and question the morality of those who partake in rape play and those, like me, who seek to normalise it, let me cook. 

Rape fantasy/play is a form of consensual non-consent (CNC) that some people in the BDSM community partake in. It’s one of the most controversial forms of BDSM, which, I might add, is pretty controversial already. 

While it’s understandable why people have an aversion to rape play, its controversy is in large part a product of misunderstanding. 

Many people hear the term rape fantasy or rape play and think actual rape is involved. They think the dominant parties are people who are secret rapists who simply want a way to enact this crime in an appropriate setting, and the submissive parties are either trying to appease their partners or want to experience actual violation. 

Some radical feminists have argued against the concept of consensual non-consent because they believe it is the manifestation of being brought up in a patriarchal society. They believe that the only reason women would fantasise about rape is because of the normalisation of rape culture in our society, as well as the ubiquitousness of pornography.

Read more: Best porn, smut and erotica sites by and for womxn 

This rhetoric is one of the reasons why women – and men who date women and support women’s rights – are ashamed to admit their intrigue and desire to engage in rape play. They believe that by engaging in rape play they are somehow betraying women.

If you’re reading this and you struggle with shame, allow me to be the first to tell you that while your shame is understandable it does not reflect reality.

Where does rape fantasy come from?

In fact, a 1992 study debunked the link between wanting to engage in rape fantasy and women’s socialisation to accept sexual aggression as normal.

Conducted on 187 female undergraduates, the study looked at women’s exposure to pornography at a young age.

Although 46% percent of the participants reported direct exposure to pornography as a child, the data did not support the notion that childhood exposure to pornography causes rape supportive attitudes or fantasies.

So if rape fantasy is not a product of socialisation and pornography then where does it come from?

Dr. Michael Bader offers us an explanation as to why women enjoy rape fantasies and rape play in his book Arousal; The secret logic of sexual fantasies.

The first thing Dr. Bader claims is that rape fantasy and play is popular amongst women. A 2008 study on the occurrence of rape fantasies amongst undergraduate women found 62% of women have had a rape fantasy. Those who did experienced the fantasy about four times per year on average, with 14% of participants reporting that they had rape fantasies at least once a week. 

Dr. Bader also claims that all fantasies serve the purpose of allowing people to reach peak arousal. Most people are rife with shame, beliefs and other issues that make it difficult for them to get aroused, let alone to reach a crescendo. Fantasies and certain sexual acts are therefore merely the psyche’s unique way of allowing the individual to surrender to pleasure. 

That said, rape play isn’t about actual rape but the simulation of it. It is about playing with elements of domination and submission in a safe and controlled environment in order to experience maximum arousal and pleasure.

Women who enjoy rape play

Rape fantasy is especially popular in today’s world, and not just in 50 Shades of Grey. Magda Kay, intimacy expert and the founder of the School of Intimacy, tells Sextras this is because of “a perceived lack of strong polarity in modern relationships. Women often exhibit more masculine traits, while men may seem less assertive, leading to a longing for this natural and intense energy exchange”.

In other words, women just want to be able to dominate in the boardroom and submit in the bedroom. 

But, that’s not the only reason women enjoy rape play. When asked why she enjoys rape play Rori* says she “enjoys the feeling of being terrified”.

“There’s something thrilling about not knowing what’s coming and being scared. I also love the idea of being so irresistible that a man can’t help but rip my clothes off and have his way with me with no inhibitions whatsoever.”

For Natasha*, a survivor of sexual assault, rape play is a way for her to take her power back after her assault in 2019. 

“When I play with CNC in a way that allows me to feel safe, I not only feel comfortable enough to let go of control but I also enjoy the sex. It doesn’t feel scary anymore, it feels good,” she says.

While rape play can be a way for survivors like Natasha to turn their trauma into something positive, it’s important not to assume that everyone who partakes in it is a victim of assault. In fact we should refrain from pathologising people’s sexual interest completely if we want to normalise kink.

How to safely explore rape fantasies?

Like all kinks, rape play is greatly dependent on consent; risk-aware consent to be specific. Without it, the acts performed cannot be considered consensual.

People who partake in rape play not only make sure they have risk-aware/informed consent, they also have conservations surrounding safe words as well as the specifics about the rape scene. All participants involved must have a clear understanding of what is or isn’t permitted if the scene is to remain safe.

Now, most people would assume that it’s the dominant party who gets to call the shots, but when it comes to consent it’s actually the submissive party who gets to decide how it all goes down. The sex overall might be collaborative, but the submissive has more control than one would assume when it comes to deciding what does and doesn’t happen to them, as well as when things need to stop.

All things considered, it’s safe to surmise that rape fantasies and the desire to partake in rape play are fairly innocuous. It’s not about actual violation, nor does it say anything about a person’s character. 

Rape fantasies and rape play are simply about spontaneity, healing and achieving what we all want for ourselves: maximum pleasure.

*names have been changed

Kelley Nele is a relationship and sex educator based in South Africa with a background in psychology and sexology. She has been a dating and relationships coach for five years.