The one night stand that sparked a sexual epiphany

Tricia Patras shares how a one night stand helped her to overcome sexual insecurities

I’ve been a big fan of the movie P.S., I Love You and always swooned over the scene where she meets Gerard Butler in the bar with live music.

While desperately trying to make my life feel like a movie, I convinced some friends to wobble down the cobblestone paths to the bar where they filmed the exact scene.

Whelan’s Bar in Dublin was everything I expected. I was fangirling and, jokingly, ready to live out my romantic comedy for the night.

As the hour passed midnight, my friend decided to call it a night, but I made the call to stay and continue my wing-woman duties for another.

“One more Guinness, please!,” I called out to the bartender while taking in the scene.

Turning toward the live band, I saw this beautiful six-foot-four figure in my view. Feeling freshly confident, I went up to him.

“How’s your night going?” I asked while batting my long lashes.

“Pretty swell. Just dealing with these crazy lads,” he said. “Enjoying your Guinness, I see, eh?”

“Yes, this is my third one; I just can’t get enough of them!” I laughed.

“Most Americans I meet say the same thing. It’s like drinking water to me. I have one every day! Anyway, I’m Liam.” He gestured out with his hand.

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From here, a few minutes turned into a few hours. We talked about everything from John Mayer to his dreams of becoming an engineer.

A certain charm about him kept me more invested than usual. Every time I looked into his blue eyes, I felt like lightning was striking my insides over and over again.

We walked around the corner of the bar, and the next thing I knew, I was up against the wall. My hands were in his soft grip. The heat between us was undeniable, leading our lips to become one.

The passion radiated from everywhere and eventually led us to his hotel suite in downtown Dublin.

What transpired there was the best sex I’ve ever had. Liam listened to my body, unlike anyone else. I was absolutely in awe with the idea that I could feel this with someone I had never met before. “How did I know so little about someone who knew how to please me so well?” The answer was easy: chemistry.

From struggling with sex to embracing pleasure

It was the first time I felt the divide between having an obligation to sex and sincerely wanting it. I had always struggled with sex, mostly because I was doing it with the wrong people. Focused so much on impressing them, I would forget what I wanted. It was more of a chore to me. 

It seems, I had been stuck in such a limerence that made me feel like I needed to be someone I wasn’t in bed. It was ever about what I wanted, or what made me feel good. I had convinced myself that advocating for my sexual needs would make me less desirable. 

Letting myself get lost in sex would be dangerous for the control I felt I needed over these men. For, I had been only choosing men who rejected me, and rejecting the ones that were available to treat me as an equal.

Why letting go of control can unlock true intimacy

Sex therapist (and Goddess) Esther Perel often mentions why women try to gain control through sex. It has to do not only with social roles but also the nature to be needed. This surrender is especially hard for women because they don’t want to let their guard down in the fear of being rejected. 

Perel encourages the idea stating, “By channeling an internal focus, women are freed from their social roles, which often revolve around tending to the needs of others. In that freedom from care and attention to the wellbeing of others, they are able to find space to experience pleasure.”

With this in mind, I think back to my experience in Dublin and realise why it was different this time. In another country, with a beautifully chiseled Irish man, I completely let go of this control and let our bodies interact. He was attentive to mine as much as I was to his, with no alternative motive.

I had finally woken up. My body had learned to become one with my mind and let everything go, which was nothing short of powerful.

He held me in his arms and didn’t let go until the morning. We let our bodies intertwine once more with passion until he left for work. I fell back asleep and woke up to a note from him.

Now switching gears to feeling like Pretty Woman, he left me a note with his phone number, a smiley face, and a message to enjoy a nice long bath.

I stayed there, grinning and spreading my arms wide in his king-size bed. Replaying the night in my head, I felt so alive and so sexy.

I’ve thanked him for teaching me that I never had to use sex for control again. I learned it should be used for enjoyment and not as manipulation or due to a lack of self-confidence. My body was a secret code; I just had to let the right people access it.

From this experience, I vowed to start approaching sex differently. I was set free and returned to America with new confidence within myself and what I deserved. 

I never knew that one night with a stranger could lead me into the sexual epiphany that has helped liberate me within my future relationships, but I'm sure glad it did.