What is ethical non-monogamy?
As the world opens up to different types of love, many people have opened their relationships to the possibility of something or someone new. Alice Wade explores the world of ethical non monogamy from the people who practise it.
Credit: Sextras
For centuries, monogamy has been at the core of mainstream culture and society. It's the parental dynamic many of us grew up with, and it’s the central struggle of nearly every rom-com. We even love it so much that we attribute it to other animals and even our teddies and dolls (my Barbie was a committed wife to Ken, and only Ken).
People on the internet literally melt into puddles of monogamous ecstasy when they come across videos of cats or dogs spooning each other. Largely, it’s a reflection of the binary world and the fact that nuclear hetero families have been the dominant structure for romantic relationships.
But in recent years, there has been an increasing number of people pursuing non-traditional relationships. Alongside the advent of dating apps like Feeld, specifically for non monogamous people, there has also been a spike in interest in non monogamy from more traditional apps like OkCupid.
It’s currently estimated that around 4-5% of the American population are polyamorous of some flavour or another, and a fairly staggering one in six said they wished they were in a polyamorous relationship.
When discussing non monogamy, you might picture Dave and Judy from next door, who you heard sometimes go to swinging parties. Or the couple whose husband is having a long-term affair without his wife’s knowledge. But it is much broader than that: it is an umbrella term for an entire world of people who practise non monogamy in some shape or form.
What sets ENM apart from having an affair is “the full and enthusiastic consent of everyone involved”, says Elizabeth Reteif, a trauma counsellor and life coach who is also polyamorous. She has experience working with polyamory both in her work life and in her personal relationships.
Individuals are allowed to date and sleep with people outside of their primary partnership. For some, there might not even be a primary partnership and for others, there may be a hierarchical system from which different levels of importance are attributed to different partners.
While it often varies across different people, the key to ENM (and the reason it's often called consensual non monogamy) is because each party knows and consents to what’s going on.
Monogamy isn’t for me
Elizabeth first realised she was non-monogamous when she started developing feelings for someone else while in a long-term monogamous relationship. Now 46, she has been dating people non-monogamously for the last 12 years, and has been in a long-term relationship with three different people (but also dates casually outside her relationships).
Much like Elizabeth, Chaz, 47, also realised he didn’t fit into a monogamous model while in a long-term relationship. He had been dating a woman monogamously for a number of years until one day she asked him why he hadn’t proposed yet.
“I hadn't really thought about it directly, but when put on the spot I told her it was because I didn't believe I was able to be truly monogamous,” he explains. “That was the first time I had spoken it out loud, and honestly the first time it really became a fully formed understanding of myself.”
For many people who end up in polyamorous relationships, the first experience outside of the confines of monogamy can be transformative. Emily, 32, discovered the world of ENM after matching with someone she found on a dating app. “It was absolutely mind blowing to me – we had a blast playing together, dating together and exploring boundaries. At this point I knew ENM was for me.”
“The expectation that I had to be that person’s everything was too much pressure to deal with, and led to massive feelings of inadequacy when I failed”
She says: “People are complex creatures, with different wants and needs, and to me it seems ludicrous that you would expect to be or get all of those things from one person.”
Feeling as though one person isn’t the answer to everything is a common reason for people choosing to open up their relationships. Recent research revealing the eight reasons individuals might pursue polyamory included people feeling as though their needs could not be met by just one individual.
A 2014 study also went as far as to say that the demands most partners place on their marriages lead to suffocation, and that opening couples up to ENM could resolve this issue.
Emily echoes this sentiment: “The expectation that I had to be that person's everything was too much pressure to deal with, and led to massive feelings of inadequacy when I ‘failed’.”
Communication is key
With any kind of relationship, the key to success is communication. Elizabeth says this is especially true in non-monogamous settings where the need to communicate effectively is even more essential to the success of the relationship.
“Especially in cases where there is developmental trauma, people can feel very safe with their monogamous partner, but when they open the relationship, a whole bunch of issues surface that had been lying dormant because there were no major relationship stressors.”
“Some people can do non-monogamy and will always be miserable. Some people can be monogamous and always be miserable”
Emily attributes her exploration of ENM to a gained sense of emotional maturity. “Only a few years ago, many of my friends would describe me as the least emotionally intelligent person they know.”
Though she does experience bouts of jealousy, she emphasises that exploring these feelings and having open conversations is key. “A partner having love for someone else does not take away from the love they have for me,” she says.
For those who feel non-monogamy is right for them, and take the steps to make it work, several studies into polyamorous relationships show non-monogamous people participants actually experience higher levels of relational honesty, closeness, happiness, better communication and more relationship satisfaction. So putting in the work with communication really does pay off!
Dealing with jealousy
Just like any sexual preference, ENM isn’t for everyone. Though opening up a relationship to others can be a unique experience to build connections, explore sexual desire, and embark on rich emotional experiences, for others, jealousy can override its benefits.
While some people are able to navigate that jealousy, others simply are not, and that’s okay. According to Chaz, “some people can do it [non-monogamy] and will always be miserable. Some people can be monogamous and always be miserable.”
For many of us who are used to the rules of monogamous dating, managing feelings towards the person our partner is also dating is completely inconceivable. In non monogamous dating, investigating the reason behind the feeling is essential emotional work to maintain healthy dynamics.
“Learning how to deal with one’s own jealousy is actually an exercise that anyone could benefit from and is a really good practice of emotional self regulation”
Chaz manages his jealousy in ENM dynamics by first breaking down where the jealousy stems from. “For jealousy to be rational, four factors must be present: negative emotions, a valued relationship, a threat to that relationship, and a rival.” Without these, the feeling could be a sign of something else like insecurity or paranoia, he explains.
“Sometimes the "threat" is that my emotional needs aren't being met, which warrants a conversation with my partner about ways to resolve that. Sometimes "the other guy" is acting competitively, which again warrants a different conversation or some other strategy.”
He believes that if the relationship feels threatened, it’s usually not the fault of the “rival” but indicative of something going wrong in the relationship. “I don't see my metamours (my partner's other partners) as rivals, but as cohorts in bringing joy to the partner we have in common,” he says.
Elizabeth echoes the need for communication and emotional self management when it comes to navigating jealousy. Just because someone feels jealous, doesn't mean their partner did anything wrong.
“Learning how to manage that and deal with one's own jealousy is actually an exercise that anyone could benefit from and is a really good practice of emotional self regulation.”
It is also important not only to set healthy boundaries to defend our own boundaries “because often people feel jealous when unspoken boundaries or expectations are violated.”
“The general rules of good emotional self-regulation, good boundary setting, good communication, and good self management all contribute to being able to deal with jealousy,” she explains.
Credit: Sextras
It’s not just a phase, mom, I’m non monogamous!
When it comes to the permanency of non monogamous relationships, often people assume that polyamorous people will eventually pick one person and tie up the other loose ends but this is a misunderstanding. “Monogamy is arguably more of a choice/practised lifestyle than ENM is. Almost everyone has non-monogamous urges or thoughts. It takes effort and willpower to practise monogamy,” says Chaz. “I am non-monogamous by nature. That will never change.”
Emily is equally adamant that she would never go back to monogamy. “ENM makes me feel safe, secure, loved, appreciated and free in a way I don’t think monogamy ever could,” she says.
Opening her relationship led her to experience “the healthiest, most open, loving relationship” she has known. “Strengthening our bond whilst exploring and building relationships with others makes me an incredibly lucky girl,” she says.
While non monogamy obviously isn’t for everyone, it’s abundantly clear that the confines of traditional dyadic romance also doesn’t offer the blueprint for everyone's happiness. Often people practising ENM develop better communication where they are confronted with evolving dynamics and the introduction of new people.
Whether you’re considering trialling out an open relationship, or you’re happily wed to monogamy, we can all learn from ENM and how it teaches people the importance of emotional regulation and relationship nurturing. Ethical relationships of any flavour are the ones most likely to foster a long lasting and caring dynamic.