How to heal anxious attachment style, according to experts
Is it possible to learn how to slay your relationships and develop healthy patterns in the time it takes to write an article? Dani Clarke finds out.
It’s two years ago and I’m hiding away in my bedroom, feverishly taking an online ‘Attachment Style Quiz’. It is perhaps the most daunting test of my young life since the infamous ‘Am I Gay?’ quiz of 2014. I’m sure you can guess how that one turned out.
Developed by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, attachment theory is a way of categorising approaches to relationships, and is split into four styles: anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive, disorganised and secure. Formed during childhood, your style depends on the levels of attention, comfort and security you received from your caregivers, but can also change throughout your life based on your adult relationships.
It’s also a hot topic online. Anyone with an internet connection and a friend group has probably encountered attachment theory, and even had a conversation about which style each of their friends falls under.
This sequence of events is what brought me to the fateful quiz, and my result, which appeared on my screen in the form of a vibrant stock photo, overlaid with text I couldn’t help but read in a patronising tone. “You’re anxious-preoccupied!” it mocked, and the ground gave way. All my previously-held assumptions that I was a normal, healthy person, capable of having normal, healthy relationships felt as though they had been ripped from under me.
It was a dramatic reaction. True to form, I was catastrophizing, viewing my anxious attachment – characterised by clinginess and a desperation to avoid being alone – as proof I was damaged goods or unloveable. My distress was heightened when I found out most people – around 50 to 60% – are secure. I wondered whether this security epidemic was possible, or if everyone was lying to themselves, and to me.
Though I now understand insecure attachment is nothing to be ashamed of, I want to do everything possible to heal it. I spoke to two experts in attachment-based counselling to find out how to go from anxious to secure.
Check yourself
Step one, says counsellor Georgina Sturmer, is taking notice of your behaviour. Sturmer recommends keeping a journal where you record how you feel in your interactions with others.
“Ask yourself: are you saying ‘yes’ to things you don't really want to do? Are you hoping for a different outcome? What's really upsetting you?” she says. “Then stop and think, ‘Is this because of what’s happening now? Or because of how I feel about myself?’”
It sounds simple, but insecure patterns can become unconscious habits. Taking notice made me realise just how little I think about what I’m feeling on a daily basis, let alone why.
A few days ago, my partner and I were hurriedly getting ready to go to a pub quiz when I had a flash of jealousy about something she said – I wish I was joking – months before. While I considered blurting this thought out like a breaking news story, I made myself stop and consider, ‘What is actually wrong?’ The answer: I was stressed we would be late and thought my hair looked bad. (Note to self: it turns out my punctuality and which hair-wash day I’m on are huge mood definers at any given moment.)
Gut feeling
Psychologists use the term “original wound” to refer to a childhood memory that impacts attachment patterns in later life. I always dismissed this concept as having nothing to do with me – I can’t pinpoint a memory of something happening at nursery that messed me up forever. But, according to psychotherapist Jessica Baum (who literally wrote the book on ‘how to heal [anxious attachment] and feel more secure in love’) we have to examine our feelings to find the root of the issue.
As attachment styles are formed in the first year and a half of life, when we’re unable to think, “The original wound could be stored as sensation,” says Baum. “That feeling you have in your gut, or your heart, that’s a memory. When we heal it, we have to get in touch with the original memory. It’s important to understand how memory works in the body – where are you storing those memories around connection and loss of connection?”
Listen: Why Learn Your Attachment Style?
The feeling I’ve given many different names to throughout my life – worry, feminine intuition, maybe even stomach pains – is probably an echo of a feeling I had when I was young. But how does one process ancient sensational memories?
Baum argues the work cannot be done alone: “We get wounded ‘in relationship’ and we have to heal ‘in relationship’,” she says. “You have to work through the feeling with people who are consistent, non-judgmental, and who aren’t trying to fix you.”
If this all sounds a bit abstract or horrifying, don’t fret: this is great material for your next therapy session, babe.
Blame game
Once you dig into that “original wound” (pardon the gory imagery), it’s tempting to over-analyse your relationship with your caregivers, or even blame them for your attachment issues. But, as Baum points out, “Parents aren’t usually trying to harm us”.
Sturmer agrees: “Blaming your parents for everything is unhelpful and unproductive. It leaves you a bit stuck and angry.”
I recently spoke to a friend who thinks her anxious attachment originates from being alone in the playground, as her mum was always the last to pick her up from school. “She was working really hard and sometimes finished late at the office,” she says. “But that anxious feeling led to my adult fear of being left. It’s hard not to blame her for that.”
This, according to Baum, is totally normal. “Being angry at your caregivers is part of the healing process,” she says. “Another part is realising they have wounds that haven’t healed, if they haven’t done their own work. They were probably doing the best they could.”
Considering Gen Z is so hyper-aware of wellness culture, I can only hope that when our age group has children they will be so well-adjusted that attachment insecurity will be a phenomenon of the past, and this article merely a relic of bygone times.
Oops, I’m having a meltdown
Everyone, no matter their attachment style, is going to run into relationship problems at some point; whether that’s arguing with a spouse or feeling rejected by a friend. For those who struggle with insecure attachment, small problems can spiral into extreme reactions, and we’re not always going to be compos mentis enough to journal or recognise it’s because of those pesky wounds. My point is, inevitably, shit hits the fan now and then.
So what can you do when your anxious attachment is activated? According to Baum, “In those moments, the only system we have control over is our respiratory system. Breathing techniques, like exhaling longer, can trick our brain back into a sense of safety.”
It’s also worth briefing your partner on how they can reassure you in these moments, such as acknowledging your feelings and reminding you they’re not going anywhere. “Consistent communication will help you feel safer,” says Baum.
“What a ‘needy’ person really needs is a consistent level of reassurance,” says Sturmer. “It might feel like someone who's needy is looking for constant affection and grand gestures. But actually, they need to know someone is there through thick and thin.”
It was all a dream…?
Finally, I discovered something truly shocking: I might not actually have an anxious attachment style.
In the “Anxious Attachment” episode of the podcast, Jillian on Love, relationship coach Jillian Turecki says that, while some people are anxious regardless of what’s going on, most people feel varying levels of anxiety depending on their situation. “It’s not an anxious attachment style if you get anxious when someone shuts down or gives you mixed messages,” Tureck says. “That’s being appropriately anxious.”
“An attachment system doesn’t work alone, it’s the combination of people’s embedded patterns,” Baum agrees. “You’ll feel more anxious with someone avoidant, or more secure with someone secure.” Truly mind blowing that a free quiz I took on a random website might have given me an inaccurate result!
Jokes aside, I undoubtedly struggle with anxious-attachment tendencies. I can be clingy, needy and jealous. But then, can’t everyone? In the current phase of my life, would I still be considered anxiously attached?
I took the test again. Secure. Should I throw a party?
Vindicating as this is, perhaps it’s a sign we should stop taking unverified mental health assessments so seriously.