The Good, the Bad, the Flirty: should you stay friends with your ex?
Every month, the Sextras team delves into some age-old dating questions. This time, relationships editor Lucy Sarret asks if a friendship post-breakup is realistic.
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It's a dilemma that's as old as time, and one that's played out in countless TV shows and movies. Take Rachel and Joey from 'Friends' or Nate and Blair (or Nate and Serena, for that matter) from 'Gossip Girl' –they've all grappled with the age-old question: should exes stay pals?
In the UK alone, a YouGov poll showed that about half (51%, to be exact) of us are not friends with any of our previous partners, and around a third (37%) say they are friends with one or some, but not others.
I recently found myself in a similar situation, parting ways with someone I genuinely liked, but just didn't see a future with. While he was very much against the idea of us maintaining any sort of contact (fair enough), I couldn’t help but wonder if the reason we didn’t make it was because we’d work better as friends.
So, I did what any self-respecting Gen Z would do –I turned to TikTok.
But the search results left me with more questions than answers. Can exes really maintain a platonic relationship? Or are we just setting ourselves up for heartache down the line? Spoiler alert: it's complicated.
Avoid the messiness: never stay friends with an ex
Upon my online search, I stumbled onto Annabelle Gesson’s page, a TikTok creator who has amassed over 6 million followers by giving her honest advice on relationships and dating.
Annabelle had some strong thoughts about whether you should try to forge a friendship post-breakup, and why in her mind, it’s never a good idea.
“Let’s just say it’s a BIG NO from me”, Annabelle tells me. “When two people break up, there is inevitable hurt and pain that comes from one or both sides. I think that staying friends with an ex amplifies that pain (for one or both people), and prolongs your healing process.
“When you go through a breakup, your end goal should be to heal and move on. With one foot still in the door (meaning you’re still in contact with your ex), that progress will never be made.”
For Annabelle, trying to maintain a friendship is probably for the worst. But it doesn’t mean you should hate them, either.
“Not being friends with your ex doesn’t mean you need to curse them out in a paragraph you wrote in your notes app”, she says. “You can part ways with love in your heart for the other person, and gratitude for knowing them.”
Amber Creamer, Licensed Psychotherapist and founder and CEO of Hello Life Counseling Collective, Inc., also acknowledged the challenges of trying to maintain a relationship: “Staying friends with an ex can be complicated and it may be more trouble than it is worth. It can be difficult to move forward when you have one foot in the past and one foot in the present.”
While that certainly can be true in many situations (and I’ve been guilty of dragging my feet to a clean break myself), I couldn’t help but think relationships may be more nuanced than this. Having seen first-hand some friends who are still currently friends with someone they dated, I decided to ask their insight into navigating a friendship post-breakup.
A chance for a meaningful connection
Our very own editor-in-chief is still chums with her ex-girlfriend from high school. After not seeing each other post-breakup when everyone went off to uni, Honey and her ex eventually reconnected.
“I wanted to stay friends with her from the moment we broke up because I really cared about her.” Honey says. While it was difficult at first to find their feet as friends, she soon realised that they work really well as friends – better, even, than as partners.
“Being friends has honestly been so healing for me. I know that she knows me really, really well, and for a really long time. She's grown up with me, she knows so much about my history.
“I just think it's really fulfilling to be able to stay friends with an ex like that, especially considering that our relationship really wasn't the best. And I know that even if we don't hang out every day, or even once a month, we will always be there for each other.”
Another friend, Henrietta, also told me she regularly grabs coffee with her ex – and her current partner doesn’t mind.
“Even at the time of the break up, we knew that we wanted to remain friends,” Henrietta says. “We'd been together for around two years and had a very supportive and positive relationship. But it became clear to me that what we wanted didn't match up, and I felt like some of the desire had waned. It was, you know, the usual!”
Breaking up without animosity meant that they were both able to acknowledge that they wanted to stay friends because of how much they cared for one another.
“I'd say we almost accidentally did a Gwyneth and Chris and 'consciously uncoupled',” she reflects. “Neither of us wanted to lose or upset the other one and there was a lot of care there.”
But while these friendships seem like sunshine and rainbows now, all of them had the same advice – before you can be friends, you need to allow each other time to heal.
How to do it right (no, really)
Before Honey could be friends with her ex, they had to take some time apart. While her official recommendation is to “leave it at least half of the time that you were dating them before you get back in contact”, everyone’s healing process is different.
“Don't try and force it”, she says. “If it's not there, it's not gonna happen. But just hang out a couple of times, test the waters, see what it's like and be honest with yourself.”
Henrietta also advises to take a breather before considering a friendship, saying: “When the good foundations are there, it's a waste to say goodbye to someone who you've made a positive connection with forever.”
According to Dr Karen Stewart, people should always take some time away from an ex, no communication at all if possible, after a breakup. This doesn’t mean you never speak to them again, but you need to heal separately.
“By letting time heal your wounds, you may be able to consider a friendship with them in the future; but from a therapist’s perspective, it is advisable to create space right after the break up.”
Another important component to consider is potential future partners, and whether they’re comfortable with you being besties with someone you used to see naked. If it truly makes them uncomfortable, it’s up to you to gauge which relationship you prioritise and ponder the meaning of your decision (but maybe you can cross that bridge when you get to it).
Ultimately, it’s a mutual understanding between you and your ex – that you had something special, have both moved on, and want to explore a friendship. If both of your intentions are pure, and you can assert that there is no ulterior motive, this could be the start of a meaningful connection that transcends the heartbreak.
“No matter the relationship, it's always really validating when someone demonstrates you are worth any hard work, time or patience,” Henrietta tells me. “We all want to be seen and understood, and having someone who sees you, understands you, and wants to keep knowing you all the same is a really nourishing experience.”
Alternatively, if you’re still unsure what they mean to you, you can follow Annabelle’s advice and make a clean break.
Being friends with an ex can be the start of a very deep friendship with someone that knows you in a way others may not.
Just stay aware that sometimes, it may be more trouble than it’s worth.