If your January goals include picking less fights with your partner, deputy relationships editor Dani Clarke is here to help. We weigh in on what couples argue about, why, and how to cut down on quarrels in the new year.

Arguing in relationships — Photo by Shingi Rice on Unsplash

The festive period has come to a close, as has the thrilling, sometimes fraught experience of families and partners coming together or spending time apart.

A time when simmering tensions – such as disagreements over how long the potatoes need in the oven, or whether your boyfriend’s older sister secretly hates your guts – culminate into fierce, whispered arguments in your childhood bedroom, while your family watches It’s a Wonderful Life downstairs.

A friend of mine, who is renowned for literally never arguing with her boyfriend in the two and a half years they’ve been together, tells me they had their first ever fight right before Christmas.

“He got blackout drunk at his office party, then turned up at mine the next day ready to be sick and collapse in bed,” she says. “I had a whole day planned, with us making a roast dinner for my friends and going out for drinks after. None of which he wanted to do. He knew I wasn’t very happy with him.”

Aside from social obligations and the pressures of merrymaking, money can be a considerable cause of relationship conflict during this time. According to Monzo, couples argue about money around five times a month on average, with almost a third arguing more during the holidays.

New year, new you

The beginning of a new year is also a time of reflection. Many of us – particularly those who argue with our partners more than once every leap year – might be focusing our New Year’s ressies on working towards things like “conflict resolution strategies” or “healthy relationship communication skills”. And if your second goal involves finding out how to actually put those things into practice, we’re here to help!

According to a Sextras survey, just over half of our readers who are in relationships argue with their partners monthly or less, while the rest said they argue weekly or more.

When asked what happens during said arguments, the most popular response was “speaking calmly and trying to communicate effectively”, followed by “giving each other time or space to calm down”.

“We were on a break!”

Making up after a relationship — Photo by Shingi Rice on Unsplash

For Caitlin, a 23-year-old student, her ex often needing to ‘take space’ became a problem in their relationship.

“One thing that used to really upset me was when he would try to walk away and leave the argument,” she says. “He would say things like, ‘I’m leaving if you’re going to be like this’. Even though he always used to apologise first, it was kind of him wanting to end the conflict without properly dealing with it.”

Andrea Balboni, a sex, love & couples coach at Zoe Clews & Associates, says asking for space can prevent disagreements from devolving into screaming matches. But, for the tactic to be effective, there are a set of steps you should take to create what she calls a “conscious time out”.

“Healthy arguments require quality listening to what the other person is saying, and letting them know that you’re really hearing what they have to say”

“If you feel yourself getting worked up, you tell your partner you need some time to process how you feel and step away,” she says. “You can choose whether that’s 10 minutes, an hour, or a day, but no more than that. You make it clear you need the space and you tell your partner you’re coming back. That way the person doesn’t feel abandoned or like you’re trying to get out of the conversation.”

During the time out, Balboni suggests conducting an interview with yourself.

“Ask yourself what part of you is getting upset, and when you started to feel that way – which is the kind of conversation that would happen in therapy.”

Playtime’s over

“Usually, it’s to do with your inner child feeling hurt,” Balboni continues, “and you have to find out what it needs. You self-soothe, and you let the inner child know that you’ve got this. That you’re loved and cared for by yourself, no matter what.”

Neurologically speaking, she says, the part of you that wants to have a calm conversation, and the part of you that wants to scream, cry, and throw up, actually represent different parts of the brain. And the more tantrum-inclined version of you is probably influenced by that ‘inner child’ wound.

“When you come back into the conversation with your partner, that ‘child’ part can hide behind your back, or go play,” says Balboni, “while rational, ‘adult you’ handles the situation.”

Talk it out

James Cunningham, a health optimisation coach, believes the key to resolving conflict is clear communication and trying to understand where your partner is coming from.

“I've been in a relationship for quite some time, and I've noticed misunderstandings can easily escalate into arguments when we fail to express ourselves clearly,” he says. “Or when we assume the other person understands our point of view.”

Counsellor and hypnotherapist Susan Leigh says fighting with a partner can sometimes be healthy – as did 60% of Sextras readers who responded to our survey. But Leigh notes that developing those communication skills Cunningham mentioned can make the difference between healthy and unhealthy arguments.

“Healthy arguments require quality listening to what the other person is saying, and letting them know that you're really hearing what they have to say,” says Leigh. “Then you respond calmly and without lots of reasons, examples and justifications about what happened and why.”

A little argy-bargy never killed nobody

Balboni agrees that arguing isn’t inherently a bad thing, as it signals there’s something you or your partner care deeply about that wants attention. But the biggest cause of unnecessary conflict, she says, is when someone in the relationship doesn’t feel as though they are being heard.

“It always turns into a fight when someone is struggling to have their feelings or point of view acknowledged,” Balboni says. “Most people go right into defence mode and start telling the other person what they’re actually thinking, or should be thinking, which no one wants to be told. It goes pear-shaped when we assume we know the person so well we don’t need to listen to or acknowledge what they’re saying.”

“I get how you can feel like that, my experience is a bit different – are you ready to hear me? Can I share?”

One Sextras reader confessed that arguments with their partner sometimes stem from one of them acting stubborn over something small, causing a minor disagreement to turn into a row.

“Usually one or both of us is in a bad mood and we miscommunicate, or have less patience with each other,” another reader said. “It then becomes annoying when something has been misinterpreted, or if one of us has taken the other’s bad mood personally.”

Engage those listening skills

The solution, Balboni says, is showing you are listening when your partner speaks, and making an effort to understand how they feel. She suggests talking to the person like this: ‘I hear what you’re saying, this is what I understand… Did I get it right? I get how you can feel like that, my experience is a bit different – are you ready to hear me? Can I share?’

“Once people start using that technique, they don’t have arguments anymore,” Balboni says. “They have discussions.”

Respect your elders (they didn’t have TikTok relationship advice)

While lovers’ spats can feel like an inevitability, especially when you’re navigating serious relationships for the first time in your 20s, Balboni argues that young people are on the path to having much healthier relationships (and less arguments) than previous gens.

“Younger people are more aware of healthy relationship strategies, which bodes well for the future,” she says. Indeed, most of our Gen Z readers said they resolve quarrels by “talking it out” or “apologising”.

“Everyone goes through stages of development, and you become more self-aware throughout your lifetime, so it's an evolutionary process,” Balboni adds. “But, for younger generations it’s happening sooner, and there is knowledge available now that wasn’t available for older generations. They have more access to skills, tools, and the wisdom of those who have come before.”

How to argue less (or better) in 2024