Why do people cheat during their stag or hen do?
Relationships editor Lucy Sarret unpacks why hen and stags are seen as someone’s ‘last night of freedom’ before they commit for life.
Credits: Unsplash
As a 23-year-old, I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t been to many hen-dos, as my friends and I are still at the stage figuring out how to stay in a committed relationship for longer than a year without messing it up.
However, having observed many a hen or stag in their natural habitat (a bar with alcohol and/ or toilets with a flat surface), I’ve often held a weird fascination for them. I’ve whooped along to cheesy pop music while the maid of honour kisses the bartender, and covertly covered my drink when a boisterous stag do bursts in.
Most often, these encounters have left me wondering how it’s generally accepted that a celebration of your impending marriage should come as a wild night out involving every indulgence – including, for some, maybe trying out someone new before you commit for life.
The whole 'last night of freedom' idea has always bothered me. It feels a bit weird, especially if you're diving into a monogamous marriage – a commitment that most likely already nixed your freedom a while back. If you're still itching for that adventure, maybe marriage isn’t for you, right?
Ronald Hoang, relationship and family therapist, agrees with me: “This idea that it's the ‘last night of freedom’ suggests that getting married is a bad thing and that the opportunity should be taken advantage of. This combines to become a concoction for betrayal.”
Surprisingly, it still strikes a chord with many. Over one in six Brits (17%) would entertain the idea of intimate encounters with someone other than their partner during the festivities (though unsurprisingly, 64% of respondents classified these actions as outright cheating and being a big deal-breaker).
Over a quarter (27%) of Brits also would or already have taken preemptive protection on a stag/hen if they’re in a relationship. They may not have used them, but the simple fact of packing it into your overnight bag may raise suspicions (it would certainly raise mine).
With 62.5% of our own readers confessing to witnessing or hearing about instances of infidelity at a stag or hen do, it seems like this is something that ‘just happens’ at these parties.
One of you even said that at a hen they attended “they hired a male stripper for a hen do and the bride was found giving him a blowjob”.
So why do people do it? One of our readers summed it up, saying: "Everyone's very drunk, and it's seen as the last chance for a different experience."
“Cheating at hen/stags can occur when partners are not actually happy about the relationship. They agree to marriage under duress, and the hen/stag presents an opportunity. ”
For Anna*, 33, cheating on her partner at her hen do was an escape.
“I think at the time, I felt very nervous. I was 25, we kind of rushed the whole marriage thing, and I had less experiences with different people than my husband.
“We were at some bar,I ended up kissing another man, and he took my number,” she admits. “We texted for a bit, and then I ended up blocking him out of guilt. I never told my husband.”
Reflecting on her behaviour, Anna now believes her cheating came from insecurity about her future with her husband.
Hoang explains that the pressures Anna felt can easily lead to this outcome: “Cheating at hen/stags can occur when partners are not actually happy about the relationship. They agree to marriage under duress, and the hen/stag presents an opportunity which then turns into an expression of their discontent for the relationship.”
Stacey Clare, author of The Ethical Stripper and part of the East London Stripper Collective, has seen first-hand the ritualistic nature of stags. She explains: “There’s some kind of ritualistic behaviour to stags, where your friends are almost trying to test you and make sure you want to commit, or if you’d rather see this beautiful woman’s breasts.”
Having a stripper is probably one of the first things you think of when you think hen or stag do. Throughout her career, Stacey shares that she has performed for hundreds, for better or worse.
“Groups of men, when they get together, get drunk, take coke, tend to give men a bad name. I don’t know if that’s the issue with a stag, or more the fact that it’s an all-male behaviour. But you only have to talk to the average drag queen to find the same thing with hens.”
Hen or stag activities like hiring a stripper or getting a lap dance can count as cheating for some and,at the very least, if you’re not asking them if they feel comfortable with you doing so, crosses a boundary.
Hoang says: “The social pressure from friends, combined with the cultural perception of hen/stags almost makes it acceptable to betray your partner.”
Today, Anna is still married, and happily so. While she acknowledges what she did was ‘wrong’, she believes it was the right thing for her to do at the time.
“Kissing someone else helped me realise, in a weird way, that I wanted to marry my husband,” she explains. “I had lots of doubts, and feeling so guilty and wrong about what I’d done made me understand that this wasn’t right, and that I actually didn’t want anyone else.
“Obviously, there’s probably other ways to go about it and I don’t think cheating on a hen do is right, but for me I think it saved my marriage. Otherwise, I would’ve probably still been unsure and anxious and cheated after the wedding.”
Like Anna says, it’s important to take her story with a grain of salt. Hopefully you don’t have to resort to cheating to realise you want to be with someone – so what can you do instead?
“For any wife-to-be who considers a stripper to be the biggest threat to their relationship, you’re kind of missing the point. If your relationship can’t navigate this, you’ve got bigger problems than me.”
Having those difficult conversations with your partner about whether you are fulfilled in your relationship are extremely important. And if one of you is setting off on a hen or stag do that might make the other feel nervous, Huang recommends (unsurprisingly) open lines of communication – honesty, as uncomfortable as it may be, is usually the best policy.
Hoang’s advice for couples would be to clearly outline their boundaries for what is and is not acceptable. Starting with your "yeses" before your “nos” can help make it feel more positive. Stacey Clare also thinks open communication is the way to go, particularly on what you feel comfortable letting your partner do on their stag to avoid a messy situation.
She says: “I think there is definitely a lot of toxic monogamy where groups of men and women learn to mistrust each other and keep secrets.
“[At strip clubs], many men talk about their wives or partners as if they wouldn’t understand why they’re here, when they just have never talked about it with them.”
She also voices her frustration at the bad name strippers often get for catering to stags and, more generally, people in toxic heterosexual relationships.
“The entire sex industry for so long has borne the brunt of the blame for infidelity or issues within monogamous relationships. It all depends on the agreement and boundaries you set with your partner.
“For any wife-to-be who considers a stripper to be the biggest threat to their relationship, you’re kind of missing the point. If your relationship can’t navigate this, you’ve got bigger problems than me.”
While I can’t say for sure I would kiss someone else to make sure I want to be married to my future fiance, or be totally not insecure if my partner went to a stripper (something I should probably unpack with a professional), I can certainly understand better now the charged environment that a stag or a hen creates.
People celebrate life events in a different way, and who’s to say what’s best? As long as it stays within the boundaries your partner is comfortable with, my opinion – and anyone else’s – doesn’t really matter.
*name has been changed