‘Virgin, frigid, whore’: Why are we so obsessed with sex-related insults?
It’s a slut-shaming culture and we’re all living in it. Charlie Elizabeth Culverhouse explores why Gen Z still experiences sexual insults, their impact and how to reclaim sexual name-calling
Think of an insult. Any insult. One you’ve used. One you’re afraid of being thrown at you. One you wish you’d never said. The odds are that it’s related to sex. ‘You look like a whore.’ ‘Shut up, virgin’. A simple and direct ‘slut’ muttered under the breath.
“I’ll always remember the first time someone called me a whore,” an anonymous 25-year-old woman told me, getting tearful as she relived the memory. “It was an ex-boyfriend who I had broken up with during the summer before going to university. We were both moving and would be hours apart, which just wouldn’t work while we were both adapting to the new experiences opening up to us.
“I sat him down, broke the news, and he said I was ‘a whore at heart’ who clearly wanted to sleep around with anyone who would have me at uni. I was 17 and he was the only person I’d had sex with at that point.”
It’s likely you’ve got your own similar story too. You’re not alone. New research conducted by LoveHoney has revealed that a massive 43% of 18 to 24-year-olds (Gen Z) have been called a 'slut', while 27% have been labelled a ‘whore’ or ‘man whore’ by someone wanting to insult them.
Women are more likely to have experienced this name-calling, with 55% saying they’ve been called a ‘slut,’ compared to just 19% of young men. But women aren’t just being insulted for having ‘too much’ sex, they’re also berated for not having enough of it, with one in four saying they’ve been called ‘frigid’ or have been made fun of for being a virgin.
Psychology of sex-related insults: why they cut so deep
They’re insults that never fail to cut to the bone. And we use them all the time, often not thinking about what they really mean. “When people feel the urge to hurt, they go for the jugular, and nothing seems more effective than the stuff we hold close,” sex therapist Dr Emily May tells me when I ask why sexual insults are so commonplace. “‘You’re a virgin’ carries way more of a sting than ‘You’re bad at maths’,” she adds.
But why does it? Because harmful labels around sexuality are targeting the most personal and private aspects of our lives, May explains. “Sex-related insults like ‘virgin’, ‘frigid,’ or ‘whore’ pack a punch precisely because they target something so personal and vulnerable – our sexuality,” she says. “It’s like an emotional sucker punch straight to the heart of who we are – or who we’re worried we are.”
So when we want to hurt someone, we go straight for what we know will cause the most pain. That makes sense even if it is disparaging to admit. But what’s so intriguing is the fact that Gen Z, the generation LoveHoney surveyed, are using them. Why? Because they’re meant to be the sex-positive, accepting generation changing our view of sexuality for the better.
Why insults like ‘virgin’ and ‘whore’ are still weaponised
“I’ve definitely used insults that I’m not proud of. I can’t even say they were used in the heat of the moment, more just as a way to put someone else down – and more likely behind their back than to their face,” one anonymous Gen Zer told me. “Even now, I don’t think I could come up with a cutting insult that wasn’t related to sex or gender. But I never mean it to be offensive in that way, they’re just words. But then, I suppose they’re not, are they?”
It’s easy to see where they’re coming from. Often, we use these insults without a second thought. We live in a world where sex is still largely a taboo topic and this leaves sex-related insults as some of the most dramatic we can use. Just think of the swear words we use, what are they all related to?
“The research shows that while Gen Z is definitely becoming more open when it comes to exploring their sexuality, there’s still a lot of judgement out there, especially for young women,” Sarah Mulindwa, a sexual health nurse at Lovehoney explains. She adds that the use of these insults can create an ‘unhealthy pressure’ to conform to societal expectations and therefore complicate the relationship Gen Z has with their own sexuality and self-identity.
May agrees that the lingering impact of centuries worth of sex-related insults (the first documented use of the word ‘slut’ dates back to 1402) will continue to at least quietly impact our view of sex. “These words carry weight and, even when they’re not aimed at us, they stick around. They keep us locked into an outdated way of looking at sex and suggest there’s a ‘right’ way to be sexual, which of course there isn't,” she explains.
Are we ready to ditch sex-related insults?
The ideal solution is to stop using insults like these all together – and we can, on an individual scale. We can’t force others to make the same choice. But changing how we react to the insults can help to both destigmatise them, and stop them affecting our personal view of sex.
To put it in perspective, May tells me a story about an anonymous client. The client had been called a ‘prude’ by someone she was seeing, and it had sent her into a spiral. She was left second guessing every sexual decision she’d ever made. “And for what?,” May asks. “To live up to some myth that there’s one right way to be sexual?”
So May challenged her view. “Hearing these insults, even from the sidelines, creates a low hum of anxiety about where you might ‘fit’ on this made-up scale of sexual acceptability.” But that’s the thing. The scale is made up. “I helped her see it as just a label, a flimsy one at that, without the power to define her.”
How to respond to sex-related insults: taking back control
Mulindwa shares similar advice for those who have been on the receiving end of sex-related insults. “When facing these kinds of accusations, the most important thing is to remember that your worth isn’t tied to your sexual activity, whether you’re having a lot of sex or none at all.
“The best way to respond is with confidence and calmness. You could reply with: “It’s a personal decision, I’m making the choices that are right for me.’ It’s about owning your decisions and not letting others’ opinions affect your sense of self.”
For a fun way to fight the stigma, why don’t we bring back some silly olden-timey insults to replace the even more outdated ones related to sex? For instance, the brilliant ‘bobolyne’ which is an old Tudor word for ‘fool.’ Or you could try the rather whimsical ‘mooncalf’ from the 1600s, which describes a ‘foolish person’. Then there’s the simple and direct Victorian slang term ‘ratbag’ which simply means ‘an unpleasant person’.
We could be so much more creative with our insults, people! Leave the ones related to sex behind – they’re overused. Come on, don’t be a ratbag.
Have you been on the receiving end of sexual name-calling? Tell us about your experiences and how you dealt with it in the comments.