Why don’t men share with their friends?
Ever wondered why men don’t seem to have deep chats like the girlies? Do they just not know how to? Relationships editor Lucy Sarret investigates
My curiosity was sparked during a conversation with my boyfriend when, enquiring about his best friend's relationship, his response — a simple “I don't know” — caught me off guard. Shouldn't best friends share everything? Mine certainly do. I can’t recall a time where I wasn’t aware of every single detail going on in their lives via frantic voice notes, from dating drama to unusual bowel movements.
Maybe my friendships are too intense; some partners throughout the years have definitely thought so, calling me and my best friend co-dependent or getting jealous of the bond we shared. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Friendships will likely stick around for longer than the person you’re dating in your early 20s, so why wouldn’t you want to invest in them and secure your long-term happiness?
This led me to reflect on the emotional dynamics of male friendships. Recounting all the men in my life, from friends to boyfriends, I noticed a pattern where men often keep their struggles to themselves, or exclusively confide in their close female friends (in this context, me).
This could lead us to the simple conclusion that men lack emotional depth, or simply don’t care enough to search for it in their friendships. But, while it seems like everyone hates men ATM, there is more than meets the eye when it comes to the emotional nuances of male friendships.
In a world where connection is seemingly more accessible than ever, a stark reality surfaces: men are experiencing a friendship recession. A 2021 US survey revealed that only 27% of men claim to have at least six close friends, down from 55% in 1990. The Movember Foundation's 2018 UK research exposed that 27% of men admitted to having no close friends at all. This diminishing connectivity is not just a statistic; it's a societal trend that has profound implications for men's mental well-being.
While the origins and reasons behind mental health struggles are complex, you can’t help but wonder how this friendship recession may impact those with little to no social circle. In the UK alone, men die by suicide at rate 3 times more often women.
So, why are male friendships so complex? Well, for one, men are seemingly socialised differently from a young age.
Cassandra LeClair, Clinical Associate Professor of Communication at the Mays Business School at Texas A&M University, explains that early divergence in play activities lays the groundwork for distinct approaches to relationships. "When young girls play, they play house and school – games that are more relationally based. Young boys tend to play sports together, or something less centered around the act of communication.”
This socialisation reflects into later years, as Georgina Sturmer, a professional MBACP counselor, elaborates: "For women, it seems more common, and perhaps more acceptable, to simply meet up for a chat, a walk, or a coffee. For men, it’s more likely that they would meet up to do an activity together, like play sports or watch a game at the pub."
Tom, a 22-year-old university student, echoes this sentiment. He and his male friends tend to meet to play football or some other defined activity, but he will go on dog walks, grab coffee, or drive to the beach with women. "It’s definitely different, and I always end up chatting to my female friends more."
This isn’t to say that one type of friendship is better than the other. Playing sports together certainly builds emotional bonds.
LeClair explains that shared activities do build closeness and stability, enabling you to feel closer to someone. But without emotional connection, while the relationship can be incredibly beneficial in countless other ways, it is usually not the space you would go to for emotional support.
“At the end of the day, your ability to provide support to someone you’ve known like this is so much greater if you have that emotional connection.
“You could go golfing with the same person for 30 years but have no idea what’s going on in their life, and if, for example, they suddenly got a divorce, you probably wouldn’t know how to provide support.”
Justin Haar, founder of the Eden app, aimed at the broader LGBTQ+ community to help build relationships, also explains: "There is a stigma behind intimacy and deep connections between men, in that if men are more intimate and vulnerable with one another that somehow translates into their sexuality."
Traditionally, as expressing emotion is seen as a more ‘feminine’ trait, men tend to be reluctant to open up (because as we all know, boys don’t cry). This societal pressure influences how emotional support is expressed in male friendships, often involving problem-solving rather than active listening and empathy.
But this doesn’t mean that men don’t care for emotionally deep relationships; in fact, the extra barriers they face can become a real burden. Bound by their emotional education and societal structures, they may simply not know how to express their feelings.
LeClair explains that men do want that intimacy, but they simply come about it in different ways that may take more time than in female friendships.
Tom admits that while he is grateful for his close friendships now, there was a time where he felt he could not express his emotions.
"For a time, my best guy friend was not a great emotional support. He just didn't know how to initiate those conversations, or maybe he didn't care enough. Now it's much better, and we exchange personal stuff. I think he's just grown up and matured."
Tom's perspective on conversing with male friends also reveals an indirect way of opening up: “While doing something else, like playing Xbox or some kind of game, we’re all making jokes at the same time, maybe because we're all a bit more uncomfortable talking seriously.
“But if someone opened up about something more serious, we would all listen and try to help. I think it was easier because it's not face-to-face, and there's a distraction from the emotional intensity, like a game or an activity, that takes the pressure off.”
But some people are inherently discouraged by the initial difficulty in breaking through the emotional depth of a potential friendship with a man.
Charlie, 23, whose pronouns are he/they, reveals he actively avoided male friendships at university, citing a discomfort with traditional male socialization: "There's such a code of conduct when it comes to how men interact with each other; it's very surface level, it's such a bullshit level where no guys are sincere to you.”
His aversion to the 'man's man' persona has led him to seek connections elsewhere, primarily with individuals who align themselves with femininity.
Charlie also reveals that the only time one of these men had opened up to them, it was more like drunk trauma-dumping than actual bonding over expressing their feelings, which made him feel very uneasy.
LeClair explains this experience, saying: “It makes sense, when you have substances it’s easier to share and trauma dump. Especially when you don’t have that space to share and express your emotions usually.
“One thing that’s important is to ask people if they have space to listen. Maybe they don’t want to talk things out. Find someone who has the capacity to do that.”
While opening up, it’s vital to keep in mind whether this is the right space, time, or person to share with.
Haar agrees with Charlie, but suggests that in the dynamics of male friendships within the LGBTQ community, the added layer of navigating societal expectations of masculinity influences how emotions are expressed, with some men feeling pressure to conform to traditional norms of emotional stoicism.
So, what can men do to break free from these social pressures and unlock an emotionally deep friendship?
Speaking from his own successful attempts, Tom advises: “If you want to speak to a friend about stuff that's more deep, the chances are they want to do the same. Doing an activity at the same time does help, just because it takes pressure off face-to-face.”
LeClair says: “Something very important to remember is that emotional intimacy doesn’t have to start with the deepest darkest thing; in fact, it shouldn’t, because that’s way too intense for most people. Start by asking about their weekend, their interests, and build up to it naturally.”
In the end, the nature of emotional connection isn't one-size-fits-all. While my friendships may thrive on constant communication and shared details, it's unfair to measure the depth of male friendships against that standard. They have their own ways of fostering closeness, often through shared activities and indirect openings during casual moments.
It's not about comparing or labeling friendships as too intense or lacking depth. It’s about embracing the diversity of emotional landscapes and appreciating the richness that each type of friendship brings – and keeping in mind that just because they’re not sharing everything with you, doesn’t mean you aren’t friends.