Ready to leave toxic habits behind? Here are the first things you should be doing, according to relationships editor Lucy Sarret and the experts.

When you think you’ve finally found ‘the one’, it can be hard to break away from all the bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms you might have picked up in previous relationships. Being in a healthy partnership isn’t necessarily easy – in fact, it’s a lot of hard work and effort to do better, not only for yourself but for the other person. 

To get us on the right track, we asked relationship experts for their top tips on what not to do in a healthy partnership. Here's what they said.

Name-calling and hurtful words during arguments 

No matter how much you might love someone, there will come a time – probably many – when you will fight. And, in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say things you might regret. 

Trina Leckie, a relationship coach and podcast host of Breakup BOOST, says that calling each other foul names and then excusing it with, ‘I was angry’, does not make it okay. “Words can be deeply hurtful, and can chip away at a relationship that might have been solid to begin with.

“Once things are said, they can't be taken back,” Leckie says.  “And then the cycle continues when a couple doesn't have healthy communication styles or when one person is feeling dismissed or neglected.”

Wanting to be with your partner 24/7

When you’re in love, it’s tempting to spend all your free time with your partner, as by that point, they’re probably your favourite person. And it’s surely a good sign that you want to be with them all the time, right? 

Well, according to clinical psychologist Aura De Los Santos, it may not be. If you are in a healthy relationship, you should be able to spend time apart from your partner and still feel secure and happy about your relationship.

She says: “it is normal to have times where you are not with your partner, but are alone, with friends, or family. In healthy relationships, couples know that they do not have to be together all the time to know that they love each other.”

Neglecting your own personal happiness

When you’ve been with the same person for a while, and have responsibilities like shared bills, your career, maybe even kids, you tend to lose yourself in the mix. But making time for frivolous fun, whether that means retail therapy, reading a great book, or honing your creative skills, is very important to your own wellbeing – and, consequently, your relationship.

As Laura Doyle, a New York Times bestselling author with over 25 years of experience in relationship coaching, who has been featured on Good Morning America and The Today Show, says: “Only happy people have happy relationship.”

By fostering your own happiness, separate from the happiness you derive from your partner, “You're contributing a feel-good culture in your home that leads to laughter and playfulness, which are the hallmarks of a great relationship,” Doyle says.

Playing mind games and waiting to text back 

If you’re anything like us, you’ve definitely glanced at your screen, checked the time you received a certain text, and made an elaborate calculation on when you are allowed to reply. 

According to Suzannah Weiss, relationship coach and sexologist at BedBible, this isn’t very healthy (shocker, I know). 

She says: “This is actually a manipulation tactic to make someone pine after you, or to appear like you’re in higher demand than you are. Someone who genuinely cares about you won’t think you seem uncool because you are able to text back right away. In fact, intentionally waiting days to text someone back puts them on an emotional rollercoaster that can be stressful and exhausting for them.”

Weiss explains that this tactic also prevents you from being your authentic self, as the only reason you’re holding off is to appear more desirable. It’s completely fine if you feel you need some time to think about what to say, but when it’s for entirely superfluous reasons, it might be stopping you from forming genuine connections. 

Trying to turn their ‘no’ into ‘yes’

Now, obviously in 2023 we’d like to think everyone fully understands the concept of consent. But in relationships, sometimes what each of you really wants can become muddled. 

Weiss explains that “It’s common for this to happen in subtle ways, such as talking about how much you want sex, undressing them or yourself, or asking again after you hear a ‘no’.”

This invokes feelings of guilt on your partner, who may simply give in to make their loved one happy. Weiss stresses that if this is the case, then whatever happens next is not consensual. 

“Relationships function best when all sexual interactions are enthusiastically consented to.”