In an increasingly open dating pool, relationships editor Lucy Sarret explores the complicated dynamics of age gap relationships – and whether the criticism is justified.

As a full-fledged adult woman about to turn 24, I realise I am becoming increasingly sceptical of many things that never rang alarm bells when I was just a wide-eyed teenage girl – one of which being older men and their Humbert-Humbert-esque fascination for young women and girls. 

Between watching Leonardo DiCaprio exclusively date under-25s and being hit on at the pub by a man who could be my dad, I constantly wonder what the fascination towards age gap relationships may be.

While I might have a problem with it, the conversations we have about age gap relationships are expanding. What was once explicitly taboo is now more complicated; we’re less dismissive of the idea that age defines your whole relationship dynamic. With that, people are more willing to date beyond their age group.

Bumble revealed through their yearly insights that 63% of their users are open to age-diverse connections, with 59% of women expressing a newfound openness to dating someone younger than them. The UK takes the lead in this trend, with 61% of British women embracing the idea.

Celebrities like Billie Eilish and Jesse Rutherford (who I’m still not sure how I feel about), and Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor are dating intergenerationally, and it’s nothing new that Hollywood is accepting of big age gaps. As many of us are all too well aware, these normalised age gaps are usually between leading men and their much younger female co-stars, like Audrey Hepburn and Fred Astaire being 30 years apart in Funny Face, or Bradley Cooper (37) falling in love with then-21-year-old Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook. 

And while these celebrity couples with large age differences are now increasingly stoking social media debate and comment-section arguments (think, most recently, of Sofia Coppola’s Priscilla, where the real dynamics of the Presleys is explored and reveals a 24-year-old man pursuing a 14-year-old), it seems like dating outside of your generation is here to stay. 

According to Deborah Gilman, a licensed psychologist, our consumption of these pop-culture relationships may contribute to the perception that dating younger individuals is more socially acceptable or desirable.

“Media representations and cultural expectations can influence individual choices. Hollywood, known for its emphasis on youth and beauty, may contribute to a culture where older male actors feel compelled to maintain a certain image by dating younger women. This can be influenced by industry expectations and the desire to stay relevant.”

Humans are social animals, and behaviours become accepted when they are witnessed, repeated, and normalised within social groups. whether that’s Hollywood or who you surround yourself with. 

Our very own editor-in-chief, Honey, dated a 28 year-old when she was just 18, which may seem surprising to some, but seemed fairly normal for her at the time. 

She says: “ a few of my friends were also dating or sleeping with older people back then, so among my friendship group at least it wasn’t totally abnormal that I was seeing someone older.”

Read more: Does the ‘speed bump’ sex position work? 

She attributes the fact that she was surrounded by people who didn’t question this dynamic as the reason it was able to exist. The culture at the time also contributed to this: “We were also Tumblr-era teenagers, so there was a certain amount of glorification of age gap relationships, especially the fact you could have sex with someone more mature, get attention from men, and sometimes money.” she says. “Maybe that wasn’t true of all people in our generation, but it definitely was to an extent with some of my friends.”

The obvious appeal to dating someone older might be the potential for higher levels of emotional maturity and experience. Gilman says it’s a bit more complex than that. While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all explanation, she gives a couple of possibilities: “Attraction can be influenced by psychological needs. For instance, a person may seek a partner who provides a sense of security, understanding, or excitement, and these needs may be associated with specific age-related traits.

Attachment theory suggests that our early relationships, particularly with parents or primary caregivers, can shape our later attractions. Individuals may be drawn to qualities or traits reminiscent of positive relationships with older or younger figures in their lives.

At 22, Lola* says she is only attracted to older men, and she’s already heard all the possibilities why that may be. 

Her theory is much simpler: “I think a lot of people will say it’s  daddy issues, but my dad is the best person in my life. Honestly, I watched a Johnny Depp movie when I was like nine years old and fell in love, and I’ve just always found older men much more attractive. When my friends in primary school were into One Direction, I was looking at older men. I’ve also always thought men just get better looking with age! 

“I’m not sure exactly why I’m attracted to older men, and it’s maybe something I should bring up to my therapist,” she says. “It’s not really about a specific quality the older man might possess, maybe it’s about experience and a few unfortunate sexual experiences with males that were my age.”

Despite the uproar around age-gap relationships, the sexual appeal of an older partner is definitely not a niche kink. In 2018, the third most-searched term on Pornhub was “daddy”, and you only need to go on any porn homepage to find thousands of busty MILFS seducing their stepsons (or stepdaughters). 

Aaron Frazin, a sex and relationship coach, explains: “One of the reasons you may be attracted to someone older or younger could be because you enjoy the taboo-ness. It is well known in the sex therapy profession that ‘excitement = attraction + obstacles’. 

“Obstacles create a bit of anxiety, which drives us to take action and feels tantalising. The obstacle could be the taboo nature  of an age difference, or in the beginning of a relationship not knowing if the other person wants you, or the appeal of dating a boss or subordinate.”

Capitalising off of the controversy in the digital realm, Rae Richmond, a 57-year-old, has found her niche with her 37-year-old boyfriend. They started an OnlyFans account in May 2023, and are already in the top 0.8 % of OF creators.  

“When we thought about starting up, I’m a businesswoman first, so I started researching,” she says. “There is a lot of interest in people my age doing this, and there is definitely a gap in that market. We are filling that void and providing porn that a lot of people are into and will pay to watch."

Reflecting on the 20-year age gap with her partner, Rae views herself as a younger-feeling person, and so being with a younger partner just makes sense. They also met when they were both adults, which she considers very different to some other age-gap relationships. 

“The man is 37 years old, he is an adult fully capable of making his own decisions. This has been the most fulfilling relationship I’ve been in. I don’t think I’ve ever felt  this kind of love before. I think it’s a soul connection more than age. I’ve been married before, and I’ve never felt this kind of love. ”

For Lola, dating older men makes her feel more confident. She says: “When I’m with them, I feel beautiful and appreciated. I’ve felt that way too with men my own age or close to it, but I’m not necessarily as confident.”

While many people can thrive in an age-gap relationship, I’m not the only one that hears alarm bells at the mention of someone my age dating a ‘real adult’. This, however, might just be my cynical and prejudicial outlook and not reflective of context-specific situations. 

As Aaron reminds me, we live in a puritan patriarchal structure that shames any inordinate desires. The most important thing to have a healthy relationship with someone at a different stage of life is to check whether there is someone holding more of the power. 

“Power, whether earned or not, has a real impact and those in power need to be aware of their power differential. Someone who is 19 might be more in their power than someone who is 82. Age – like sex, race, body type, or anything else – only tells you that fact about them, the rest is what you make up about them; it’s your own projection.”

For Honey, while the age gap now makes her wonder what a nearly-30-year-old man saw in her as a barely-graduated teen, the power differential was never unhealthy. 

She says: “I never felt like he tried to control my life or take advantage of the fact that I was younger. He used to drive me around, which in all honesty was really ideal for me, and sometimes gave me a bit of money to get drinks or dinner. But it was never something I relied on to support me because I still lived at home and got money from my family. I guess the situation could have gone very differently if I didn’t have that. ”

Listen: Should I Date Someone Older?

Despite  heated online discourse, and my personal thoughts on the subject, many believe there is nothing inherently immoral about age-gap relationships – context dependant, of course. Lola advocates.

For those who are attracted to people in a different age-range as them – as long as both parties consent – Lola advocates for the fact that people should be able to embrace that choice without shame.

“Be safe and make sure that you are making the decision to get involved with an older person. Make sure that it’s not coming from a bad place and that if you are genuinely just attracted to older people, then don’t feel ashamed, and don’t say sorry for anything. There’s nothing wrong with it.” 

Honey's experience has shaped her opinion on the matter quite differently.: "I truly think if you’re younger than 21, you shouldn’t be dating a man who’s any more than two years older than you,” she says. “You simply just do not know enough about yourself yet to be dating someone in a completely different stage of life than you.

Aaron cautions against power imbalances, stressing the importance of awareness. He challenges his clients to question societal stereotypes and embrace desires responsibly. While age might correlate with emotional maturity, there are many cases where age and emotional maturity do not align.

While I do tend to lean towards Honey’s view, given the countless horror stories I’ve heard of people (read: MEN) manipulating emotionally vulnerable people who are in early adulthood, I can certainly understand my own bias may not reflect everyone’s reality. 

As Aaron told me: “We all internalise society's shame. Fight back, don’t cause harm to anyone, including yourself.

*name has been changed