Gen Z are ditching their insecure friends. But are they monsters?
More and more of us are refusing to put up with negative mates who ruin our vibes, according to the latest hot take circulating on TikTok. But if the solution is dumping your friends, where’s the line between protecting your peace and being a bitch? Charlie Elizabeth Culverhouse ponders the dilemma
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Everyone gets insecure from time to time. Whether it’s after a particularly misguided fringe-cutting session, or you’ve got a long-standing insecurity that occasionally raises its head, it’s normal for self-doubt to occasionally cloud our thoughts.
In these times of sadness, it’s often our friends who we turn to for support; for words of love and encouragement that banish the bad thoughts and bring us back to ourselves.
But what do you do when a friend is completely riddled with insecurity all of the time? No matter how much you reassure them, they just can’t relax or have a good time as they fuss over how they’re being perceived.
Why so negative, friend?
“My best friend is wonderful and I love her,” one person tells me when I bring up the topic on a night out. “But she can’t stop talking about how ‘ugly’ she is all the time. It’s annoying even though she’s not ugly in the slightest – and it would still be annoying if she was. It’s all she can talk about and I leave our conversations feeling down after taking on all that negativity. Even when I try to help, there’s nothing I can say that won’t upset her more.”
It’s a universal experience, it seems.
“I got a promotion at work and was actually scared to tell one friend because I knew it would upset her,” another of my new smoking area buddies tells me. “We don’t work together, don’t even work in the same industry! But talk of my success always turns into talk of her failure and I can’t deal with it.”
It might seem harsh to get annoyed at a friend’s insecurity, but it doesn’t make you a bad friend. Let’s get candid and admit that constant self-deprecation does put a dampener on your time with them.
Don’t worry: basically everyone is feeling the same about their insecure friends, too. TikTok is rapidly filling up with videos of people complaining about their self-conscious pals, with many ditching them completely in favour of preserving their own mental health – and it might sound monstrous, but it actually makes a lot of sense.
Why do I feel sad after seeing my friends?
First, the science shows that we absorb the moods and emotions of those around us, ergo if our friends are constantly spewing out negative thoughts, we also feel negative. But this isn’t the only reason friendships with insecure people can be difficult.
Dr Rebekah Wanic, a mindset psychologist, explains: “Being around insecure people can be tiring because insecurities often manifest in behaviours that require constant reassurance and support, which can drain the emotional and mental energy of others.”
Another strain on the relationship, she says, comes as the insecure friend not only seeks validation, but does so by expressing jealousy or competitiveness in unhealthy ways. This might look like them making someone else the butt of a joke to get a hit of superiority (hopefully subconsciously), while also having difficulty trusting others. It’s a damning trio that makes a perfect poison.
“Insecure people are also typically not capable of providing support to their friends in return,leading to non-reciprocity in the relationship,” she says.
In other words: “You are the company you keep,” says self-empowerment expert Moon Onyx Starr. “The people we surround ourselves with profoundly impact our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.”
She believes that cultivating relationships with ‘high-vibe friends’ is essential if you want to create an environment that brings you positivity and possibility for growth.
If your world is instead filled with negativity, it will inevitably start to infect your own self-view.
Moon explains that a friend’s insecurities can result in toxic patterns of jealousy, rivalry, manipulation, criticism of others, negative self-talk or self-sabotaging behaviours which may inadvertently reinforce similar patterns in your own thinking.
When that starts to happen, you probably know it’s time to act. But what do you do? It’s a difficult topic to approach with a friend, especially one who is already riddled with insecurity that can make them defensive or even mean, but there are effective ways to go about it.
Dealing with insecure friends
When it comes to dealing with an insecure friend, Dr Wanic says the best thing you can do is set boundaries – strict ones.
“You can set up parameters by saying things like, ‘Ok, you’ve got five more minutes to let your insecurities rule this conversation, then we’re moving on’,” she advises.
Still, it’s important to also provide space and time for your friend to share their worries, but setting boundaries will allow you both to cut down on the negativity.
Starr similarly believes in taking an assertive, but kind, approach when dealing with an insecure friend.
“It's important to establish boundaries to protect your own mental and emotional health. Communicate assertively but kindly when certain behaviours or conversations become overwhelming for you, and express your need for space or limits.”
For those who haven’t worked up the courage to set boundaries, there is a smaller step you can take first, says author and psychotherapist Eloise Skinner.
“You can bring up your feelings in a casual or low-stakes environment. For example, you could mention in passing that you were listening to a great podcast that discussed self-esteem, or recommend a book on the topic. You could make it into an opportunity to learn together, since none of us are perfect in every situation!”
But if nothing seems to be working and you find yourself, like many on TikTok, completely drained by a friend’s insecurities, ending the friendship may feel like your only option.
That’s OK! When you start to feel like a therapist for a friend, or just a punching bag to help them vent everything out, is it even a friendship anymore?
As Starr points out, friendship is meant to be a two-way street, not solely about offloading our problems and insecurities onto each other.
“If your friend consistently disregards your boundaries, ignores your needs, or crosses lines that you've clearly established, it may be a sign of a toxic or unhealthy dynamic that is not conducive to your well-being,” she says.
Friendship break up season
Wanic adds that you may not notice you’re taking on another’s negativity and instead find yourself subconsciously avoiding them to protect yourself.
“If you find you want to avoid their calls or messages, this would indicate that the relationship is not providing you with any benefits,” she explains. “Signs that it’s time to go could be things like constant negativity and leaving most interactions feeling drained, or if their insecurities prevent them from supporting you.”
But walking away from the friendship doesn’t mean you have to ditch it completely.
As Skinner explains, you might only need to step away for a period of time to recuperate, giving your friend a chance to fix their behaviour once they realise they could really lose you if they carry on the way they’re going.
“You can always communicate that this space might be short-term, and that you still love and care for the person,” she says.
To keep the door slightly ajar should you wish to come back, “express that the choice to create space is done to protect your own mental health and wellbeing, and not as a direct judgement on their behaviour”.
At the end of the day, friendships should make you feel good. They are not an obligation or a chore to uphold, and if they feel like that, they’re not right for you. Friends should be there to uplift you, support you, and positively contribute to your life.
If they’re not doing that and you’re suffering because of it, finding yourself stressed, anxious, or generally less positive after spending time with them, it’s OK to walk away and prioritise yourself. It’s not selfish to want to be happy, and any true friend will recognise that.