How to end your celibacy
Celibacy has been all the rage for the last couple of years, but it can be daunting when you inevitably want to have sex again. Ex-celibate Honey Wyatt asks experts what to keep in mind when ending your sex-free lifestyle
Two years ago, I stopped having sex. After yet another dreadful date (and one more disappointing experience) I decided to take a step back from dating for a while. Anyone who listened to the podcast over this time will know this soon seeped over into my sex life; before I knew it I had gone over a year without having sex.
For a long time my life was better off. I had more time; thanks to not having to second guess the intentions of anyone I was seeing, my mind was a lot more peaceful; and I learned to say no to people popping up repeatedly in my DMs (who knew I could have boundaries?).
And I’m not the only one who realised the benefits of a sex-free lifestyle: for the last two years, content promoting the benefits of not having sex has cropped up everywhere you look. On Reddit, the community r/celibacy has 5.7k members, while major publications around the world reported that young people were in a sex recession, and they were much happier for it.
Curled up in a pillowy bliss of not having to put myself through the hellish rituals of online dating every time I wanted to have sex, or lowering my standards for someone I already knew I didn’t want to sleep with, I was perfectly content in my celibate life.
That is until just over a year in, when something switched. I noticed I was forgoing pleasure in other aspects of my life; I rarely masturbated; I was worried I was becoming a prude (clearly an absolute non-problem).
“Ending celibacy is a personal journey and should be approached with intention and self-compassion”
Noting my drift into complacency, I made the conscious decision to start thinking about re-exploring my sex life. The problem was, I didn’t know where to start – my most obvious option was to crawl back, tail between my legs, to the people whose DMs I’d been screening for over a year.
But that’s what got me into this problem in the first place, and I didn’t want to just go back to my old ways. In somewhat of a catch 22 scenario, I would have loved some advice on how to get over my period of abstinence. So I reached out to some expert tips on what to do when you want to end your celibacy, or even get back into sex after a while.
Are you ready for it?
When you’re considering re-starting your sexually active life, relationship counsellor and clinical psychologist Dr Martha Tara Lee recommends reflecting on why you chose to be celibate in the first place. Celibacy is an extremely personal choice; there are lots of reasons why people might choose it. Maybe you’re bored of the online dating mill, or you simply haven’t found anyone you’re attracted to.
Deborah Kagan, sexual wellness expert and author of Undressed, explains that one of the reasons someone might choose to become celibate is after a breakup or traumatic event. “Some may need time to heal and rediscover their sense of self without the complications of a sexual relationship,” she says.
Celibacy can also be used as a means of self discovery: “[It] can offer the space to focus on personal goals, aspirations, and self-improvement without the distraction of sexual or romantic relationships.” This can also lend itself to spiritual growth, where people are looking for a “deeper contemplation and connection with their beliefs or faith”, Kagan explains. “It is a time where you can merge your spirit and your sex without outside pressures or distractions.”
Whatever your reason might have been, Lee suggests asking yourself if it still holds true – and if there’s anything new to take into account – to help you assess whether you’re really ready to start having sex again.
As you are, now
A lot has probably changed since you started your celibacy journey, so it’s important to evaluate where you’re at in this current moment rather than embodying what past you would have done when approaching sex. Sex therapist Cassie Krajewski suggests taking time “to reflect on your own desires, boundaries and values” at this moment in time. “Make sure that you’re making a choice to re-engage sexually because it aligns with your personal desires and not due to external pressures,” she advises.
Asking yourself whether you’re emotionally prepared for intimacy and vulnerability could help you understand whether your inclination to have sex again is in your own time, Lee adds. This preparedness should involve feeling “mentally and physically ready to handle the potential challenges or changes” that come with it. Sex has the potential to be a lot of fun, but wanting to have a quick hump and dump might not be the best approach when it’s been a while.
“Begin with intimate activities like kissing, cuddling, and touching to reacquaint yourself with physical intimacy”
Start slow
You’ve already made it this far without having sex, so what’s the rush? Just because you’ve decided to be intimate again, doesn’t mean you have to go the full mile. “If you’ve been celibate for a while, it can be helpful to ease into sexual activity gradually,” says Krajewski. “Begin with intimate activities like kissing, cuddling, and touching to reacquaint yourself with physical intimacy,” and to boost your sexual confidence.
Even if you’re not ready for partnered sex quite yet, these are good tips to integrate with yourself. Kagan suggests spending time re-connecting to your body: “This can involve self-care practices, mindfulness, or even exploring your own sexuality.”
Talk it out
If you’re dating casually, you might feel pressure to have sex on the first date. This is where all that self-reflectiveness can come in handy. “By understanding yourself better, you can communicate your needs and desires more clearly to a future partner,” explains Kagan.
Think about how comfortable you are discussing sex with your partner(s), Lee recommends, and also examine if you’re willing to listen to their needs. Talk to your partner about their “desires, boundaries, expectations, and preferences” so that all parties feel comfortable and excited.
And, if you’re feeling really confident, Layla London, host of The Curious Girl Diaries podcast, told us that she made a sex bucket list to end her celibacy; this could be something fun to try out either by yourself or with a partner.
Don’t sweat it!
Most importantly, don’t stress. As a little tip from one previously celibate girl to another – there’s no need to rush into anything you don’t feel ready for. It might feel daunting that you haven’t had sex for such a long time, especially because non-celibate people can struggle to understand your reasons for doing it. Not having sex is often wrapped up with not being desirable but (repeat after me) this is not the case!
Remind yourself of your reasons for not having sex in the first place, and only jump back into it when you’re truly happy with the circumstances at hand. “Ending celibacy is a personal journey and should be approached with intention and self-compassion,” Kagan says. “Remember, there is no right or wrong time to end [it]; it’s about when you feel ready and confident in your reasons for doing so.”